The deranged sound comes from a voice that's calling my name.
But I ask will I depart peacefully, or crippled and maimed?
I sit here and confine in this place that I dwell
Visualizing a pit of eternal hell
Or a sky of an endless cloudy abyss.
with paradise and an after life of apparent bliss
But is it my time to bid farewell?
and depart to a place called heaven or hell?
Is it true, or pertaining just to a myth?
Can't visualize life after death?
Or reincarnations endless abyss?
It could be false, but truth will be told
When our life's timer strikes zero we have to be bold
Many questions remain, but answers still unspoken
knowing what lies next would be my fortunate token
But I remain in a daze patiently awaiting for my soul to be taken.
An angelic form descends my soul amongst a promised land above
Or a demonic structure purging my heart out of the depths of love
This was one of my earlier poems. I think it's pretty cliche, but I would appreciate any comments!
Comments
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I loved this and cliche, lol cliche [though i hate to admit it] is my middle name so no fault there duude! this is an awesome take on death!
Good Job!
~Katie
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Well, yes, it does employ many familiar devices pertaining to death, but despite this, it was still enjoyable. The rhyming was excellent...very clean and crisp...and the choice of words was above par with most death poetry...you really analzyed death in a "poetic" way...I like that.
But all good things aside, why do you feel you need to write a poem questioning death this way? Right deep down and ask yourself. Is it because all your influences wrote poetry and music along these lines, or do you really enjoy this "darkish" genre of poetry?
I have seen so many examples of this kind of poem...now I'm not perfect either, when i started out and still now sometimes, my poetry was a bland carbon copy teenage wail...but you have talent and I can't wait to see you learn from your earlior works, glean the good and the bad and produce incredible, innovative works.
You have a good hold on words and rhyme...build on it. Look for topics personal to YOU.
~Hippie -
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Wow, thanks for the feedback! That was the largest and most descriptive comment I have ever recieved! I like to learn from my mistakes and I do admit this poem is more on the cliche side, and the dark theme doesn't go for me as well. But I based this poem off the week I totally felt isolated in life. It seemed life past by like crazy and I was growing up to fast. I just couldn't get over it for awhile, until I learned how to appreciate what time I have left...
Once again thanks!
-Mike
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