Reminders

Everywhere I look
there is something-
Something that reminds me of you-

A small stuffed toy the never made it to the basement,
A sesame street tape, so weary from play,
A tired old scrunchie with a few faint curly hairs.

it's been over a year...
the wound still feels so fresh...

...so foul...

It's worsened even still when I remind myself that this was preventable,
by me no less.
I am rightfully cut deeper when I tell myself I caused everything to go wrong.

The test...
The Damned test!
Why didn't someone tell me?!
I could have stopped this,
Halted that horrid disease;

but no.

I was so ready to be a Mother.
No deadly initialed fate could stop me from holding my newborn:
Not MS nor CHD
not even ADD could keep apart my child's sould from mine.

But, by God's fate, she held not one of those;

Instead, she contracted ,
from her mother,
HIV.

In all the parenting classes,
All the programs designed to guide you with new life,
No one can prepare you from the absolute pain in your body
When your two year old child dies
Becuase of your carelessness.

I didn't know I carried the sickness,
How could I?
I was an arrogant and cocky girl,
So ready to prove that I could make a life for myself,
That none of those bad things that happened to other girls:
death by drugs, alcoholism, STDs,
None of these things could happen to me.
I didn't think twice when I had fun unprotected;
Like the rest of my clan, I just lived for the moment.
How could I know it would cause me to loose
The one body I loved
More than anything else.

Your little pink shoes,
A Dr. Sues book,
A picture of you getting your very first tooth

Images of my love
and my burden for all eternity.

Today, as I remember,
I suffer the deepest cut of all.

I love you, Issabella,

Mommy loves you.