We've lost all of our lonely late nights
Nestled next to your very own
Private Radio-
Which only plays all of those old songs
We used to know...
& love...
& Drunken-
We just kept on dancing & oh so loudly laughing;
though before the nostalgic night fall
All of those silhouette-stained walls were spinning,
& I just couldn't keep the "girl" in me from grinning
Despite the distinctive desperate feeling
of just really needing to- spit up.
& The bloated balloons of our bladders
about to just - pop.
But we could hardly walk.
& Even worse,
We could hardly talk...
We could scarcely speak.
Only in slurred stutters & slightly stifled speech
Those semi-severed sentences & senseless reckless sentiments
Where we spoke-
Of nothing, really.
Nothing now memorable...
But I do remember you looked SO adorable.
As you stared right on through me
& Stated:
"I cant feel my teeth"
Let alone the carpeted floor beneath
our freezing bare feet.
But despite this:
(Really-
In defeat)
I let you steal my very last beer...
(Even though I remember-
You only spilled it again sometime later...)
A contest entry
- Prewrites by leander.
730 points, ended November 30, 2008, 147 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - & all I ask, is for your best-- by Kiss the girl--x.
700 points, ended December 6, 2008, 45 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Your BEST dirty pretty writes here! by perfectsunset.
550 points, ended April 27, 38 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
♥
Comments
1 - 5 of 5
-
Title- 4/5
Creativity- 4/5
Use of metaphors, imagery, etc.- 8/10
Overall package- 3/5
Total= 19/25
Wow, this was very beautiful.
So original, and unlike many
other styles of DP I've seen and
I like that about it.
This was really well done
thanks for entering -
i don't know what it is i love so much about this, but i do, it's brilliant.
thanks for entering
♥
-
This is quite a good poem you have written here, in fact, I enjoyed reading it to the fullest. Definitely love the imagery you have used and the alliteration is a very nice touch of detail.
Thank you for entering the contest!
Leander -
First stanza spoke so loudly with so few words. Second expanded on the thoughts of the first, with gorgeous imagery as well. And the stanza with all the alliteration with s's... wow. That was amazing.
Oh, and I love the way you have of closing your poems with lines that could seem insignificant elsewhere but really seem to need including at the end. I don't know if that makes sense, but whatever.
I adore your writing, basically.
-
Nice
Very reminiscent and unique. Awesome job, Jane
Fave lines:
We have lost all of our lonely late nights nestled next to your very own private radio-
which only plays all of those old songs we know...
and love...
Drunken, we just kept on dancing and oh so loudly laughing; though before the nostalgic night fall
all of those silhouette-painted walls were spinning,
and I couldn't keep the "girl" in me from grinning
Adding your comment:
1 - 5 of 5
