I've had one to many beers
Sitting here cowering in the dark
Seeing your words
Yeah.
You’re right
Does that make you feel better?
To know that I am a hopeless
Fearful,
Coward?
Hiding in my Mother’s skirts?
Her blood sucking vampire?
Her demanding, consuming dead thing?
Her curse?
Does it please you?
That I am a low life piece of nothing…
That I am a bum?
That I have less worth than dirt?
That I wish long ago I could have been driven under the earth...
You’re preaching to the choir sweetheart
I know what I am
Here in the dark
Nothingness
Just wasting your air
Your space
Empty inside,
Stupid and hiding
Believe my words
No one will find
Anything here worth finding
Nothing they won't soon leave behind
You just keep running
So the best thing for you
Is to live and let live
For I have always been in the shadow
And I suppose that is where I will always remain
In self-pity and self-abuse I’ll continue to wallow
Forever the sole contributor to my own shame
And I don't hate you
I am trying to move
And that means nothing to you
All you do is point fingers
Point out the problem
Shed light on the blame
There is no solution to you!
There is only pointing
Or laughing
Or anger
Or a game
Can't you see?
I'm giving it the best of me
But there is nothing there
To weak for movement
For all I have allowed to ruin me
So fuck you too
My darling one
My haughty, self important
Graceless child
You,
who will always give into rage
Who chooses first to hate
Even for the contrite words
The 'I'm sorrys' I've tried so hard in earnest to relate
They fell on deaf ears
All too the words of love I've whispered throughout these years
With you it's always been clear
There is no solution
Only more pollution
And pain
And distain
No resolution
No way in which to gain
Author notes
Our foolish game.
How well you can hate me for being angry, and how well I can get angry for your lack of sympathy.
Surely; once dearest one to my heart, one who is so gifted in seeing my every fault... surely there was once more to us than what we have been reduced to. Surely we once actually cared about each other, instead of slicing at one another with words.
I promise you, I am not so obtuse that I don’t see the darkest parts of you, as you see the most wretched parts of me. Our difference perhaps was that I never allowed that to affect me as much as you did. You even had the audacity to look down at me, instead of lending me a hand and helping me stand. You would just point it out, and sometimes you would laugh about it. Or don’t you remember? Don’t you remember using me, hurting me just because I would allow you to?
Surely, it is my allowance of that that is the blame, but there was a time where I counted your favor above my own lifeblood. That time is no longer.
As for all this mess, in truth I just bottled everything up until I exploded. And every little fucking thing came out in one terrible piece of poetry, and I made it so you couldn’t ignore it. And I could apologize till the cows come home for that callous act, and it wouldn’t make a damn bit of difference would it? You still wouldn’t forgive me for it, because once wronged you never release it. You’ll carry it with you till your grave won’t you?
Truly I am lost in this world, it doesn’t come so easily to me as it has seemed to come to you… but perhaps you judge me too harshly. Just what you see is not all I am… you just never took the time to look past what you loathed about me.
I don’t hate you Felix, I will never hate you though you do seem to hate me so well. Call me nothing, a coward, a weakling, a little cowering sheep that hides behind its mother. Nothing proud, nothing noble like the wolf I so admire. And so be it, if that is all you see of me, I cannot change your eyes. But don’t expect me to lie down for you. There is a bitterness and a rage and a pride inside me that you may never have seen past the meekness… there are things I would have never showed you because I cared to much then.
*Laughter* You couldn’t just leave me alone. You saw that I was reading your work and you had to post something to rouse me. I only looked at your poetry because I have always loved the way you write. There is an honest simplicity to it that is drawing. I am happy you are back into it, because truly the world is at a loss when you don’t write. I’ve said that before, and I meant it the same as I do now. In honesty, in openhanded amity.
So farewell fair one. I am bowing out of the games we play together. If you want to speak civilly to me, if you want a conversation that is not made of insults I would be glad to acquiesce. If you would be willing to even ponder on my heartfelt apology, my confession of regret for all the wrongs I have wronged you… but believe me, I won’t hold my breath.
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