I suffer from schizophrenia…
Now I realize a lot of people’s reaction to that will be ‘knife-wielding maniac’, ‘Norman Bates’, ‘Hannibal Lecter’ or even ‘Texas Chainsaw Massacre’.
Trust me when I tell you ‘I’ve heard them all before’. Now, don’t get me wrong, I don’t blame you in the slightest for feeling that way, for this is how the media portrays us. But the reality is that that stereotype only applies to a small percentage of us. To believe otherwise invites the same mentality and prejudice that preaches that all Muslims are terrorists or all Catholic priests are paedophiles. All autistics are like ‘Rainman’, or all gay men wear leather caps and have big handlebar moustaches. It is simply not the case. We are all different. I believe that people with mental illness are an unrecognized minority group who cannot fend for themselves. As a result of this, they are victimized by a system that refuses to understand or even tolerate them.
In Britain, they are trying to pass a ‘Bill’ that states ‘anyone registered as having any form of mental illness can be detained without ever having done anything wrong, institutionalized and force-fed anti-psychosis drugs.’ In essence, stop the crime before it happens and strip a quarter of the population of their civil liberties and basic human rights. The very thought of this terrifies me. I have never so much as been in trouble with the police and I don’t have a violent bone in my body. Yet if they pass this ‘Mental Health Bill’, I could be taken off the street or from my home, detained and institutionalized without trial, provocation or even defense. The fact that it gains more support each time it rears its ugly head is testament to the ignorance of the masses…
…Terribly sorry, I’ve strayed off the path (cancel rant mode). Yes, I have schizophrenia. Yes, I have voices in my head. And yes, I can be prone to delusional states and disturbing thoughts. But this is why I write, this is why my fictions become so intense as to border on reality. Quite simply, however briefly, I live them…
I stopped taking my medication seven years ago, because writing in all forms has replaced it. I can’t not write, I don’t get writer’s block because my mind is constantly active and will not switch off. Voices and visions have long plagued my sleep patterns and waking hours, fighting for dominance in my eyes and works. I take Zopiclone and cannabis to help me sleep, for a few hours peace, co-codamal to tame the headaches. I’m exhausted, but I’m never short of something to write.
Compared to most schizophrenics I am fortunate, because not all the voices in my head are malevolent. They whisper ideas and sometimes even entire passages in my ear as I write. They harmonize with me as I sing my songs; they even help me write my lyrics. Yes, I have bad patches, but who doesn’t? Yes, I have dark thoughts. Again, who doesn’t? My strongest malevolent voices, I recognize as my ‘Paranoia’, ‘Self-loathing’ and ‘Self-doubt’. They are my darkness to bare and in no way affect anyone around me. When they’d strike I used to cut myself because it numbed their influence. Now I have more control over them, I read to distract me from the grip they have over me. That said, I wouldn’t change them for anything. They are part of me and I would not be whole without them and not nearly as creative either. This is who I am, it can’t be helped, changed or ignored.
The problem is other (so called normal) people. Friends who I believed would be around for life that have turned their backs on me when they’ve discovered what I am. Others have just taken advantage of me, stolen from me and shunned me. Simply because I am a nutter, I am not like them. I don’t share their yob mentality, so I must be mad!
I have long held my own counsel and am very guarded as to who I reveal this too. I find it very hard to trust in the intentions and motives of others. But every now and then someone comes along that I recognize as a kindred soul or that I can’t help but trust. And I am revealed before them, as I am revealed before you now.
You see? Now that I have opened up to you and stand before you unveiled…
…I am at your mercy…
Will you still be my friend?
Author notes
This piece is presently being performed in the monologue show 'The Lost Souls Laundrette' by Progress Cymru... For more info of this show, go to www.progresscymru.org
I initially deleted this piece because I felt too exposed by it. But upon recieving wise counsel and sage advice from my great friend 'Pastel Moons', I have decided to re-enter it. Thank you Pastel, You are the calm to my storm. Thank you for being my friend!
Back Ground by the fantasticly talented LadyDementia
BG pics by the spectactularly gifted PastelMoons
In a list
A contest entry
- At One's Mercy by CherryOnTop.
1000 points, ended February 4, 2008, 8 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Writing Workshop On Disabilities Fall, 2008 by kareneisenlord.
3500 points, ended November 15, 2008, 10 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Dramatic monologues by Aedara-Wren.
700 points, ended February 19, 9 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Tell Me Who You Are by Veronica-Armijo.
900 points, ended May 27, 10 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Personality Disorders by pineapple-eyes.
875 points, ended August 20, 18 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 24 of 24
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bro you are a wonderful person
I am honored to know you and call you my friend and brother
You really took a leap putting this out there for all to read and see I respect you immensely
\I am so glad you shared this with us.
keep the ink flowing
Fire
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glad i stopped in... thank you for sharing with us this write. i felt this write was passionate and real. have fun in the contest.... love,
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Great points you raise which I could elborate on but not wanting to take anything from you or add anything to you I will just say Thank you much. A real sincere write and am blessed you entered. Best wishes to you.
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Bravo!
Thank you. I am very honored that you enetered my contest. I know how hard it is to open yourself up so much and then get hurt because those you trusted betrayed. I hope that your future is bright and beautiful and good luck.
Thank you
Veronica
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I admire you for your sencerity and respect you more for your strength and courage to come fourth and share this. It must be hard to know what someone will think but you are soothing soul and I think no less just embrace you more. Each and everyone of us have our deamons and angles this does not make you mad. You are a very special person whom I have alawys thought highly of befor and now. Past and present I am alawys here.
Love
Aleshia
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A touching piece of very personal writing. I've learnt about schizophrenia in psychology lessons but of course that doesn't give me any right to suggest I know anything about it. The idea that it does have a more positive side I think is an uplifting one while the emphasis on prejudice makes this all the more emotional. Good luck in the contest.
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Thank you for sharing this.
"This is who I am, it can’t be helped, changed or ignored."
And neither should it be.
In the short time I have known you through this site, I have come to regard you as one of the nicest, most genuine and talented people I have spoken to.
Then I read this.
And I still feel the same.
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humbled
what a triumph over the hand of fate, friend my love soul friends, You have turned a disadvantage into a triumph!!
Bravo. We had better be friends or I will drive you crazy(kidding) hugs guy
Annie
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Thanks Annie...
Friends it is... lol!
Take care,
Fritz.........
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friends on one condition....if I drive you nuts you can't abandon me....and can we have like a secret hand shake...*S*
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Its a deal...
Thank you for your kind words...
Take care,
Fritz.............
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Do you give permission for this to be show-cased in the disability group forum. You may request that it be anonymous. Please add this to your Author's Notes. Thank you!
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Hey Karen,
Yes, you have my full permission to showcase this piece in the disability group forum. I am more than happy for for my name to be attatched...
Thank you so much for the shiny...
Take care,
Fritz..............
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Of course I will still be your friend! I have learned so much from you here and want to thank you for not only taking the time to write this but, for your honesty and openness here. It takes a lot to come out and say this and I commend you for that!
Your words are very thought provoking here. I don't think that I have ever known anyone who is schizophrenik or maybe I have and just didn't know it. It's so important to look past all of that when you meet someone for it is very heart breaking and challenging just to live your life everyday.
Your piece really moved me and I am glad that you are able to deal with it in such a positive way. It's great that it helps you to express your thoughts. I wish you all the very best in life and hope that you are able to find the tranquility and solace that you seek everyday. Take care and thanks so much for sharing your story here! I appreciate it and wish you the best of luck in our contest!
Jeremy0826
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Of course I am still your friend!
I am very moved by this; by how you wrote it, and I feel enlightened by it. You are never at anyone's mercy though. In fact, it is their loss if they choose to no longer be your friend once they know about your diagnosis. And, it is your gain - to be rid of narrow-minded people like that. lol's
Not to joke about it, for I am honored that you are sharing your inner self here with us. I have known people diagnosed with schizophrenia in my life - some prone to violence, and others as mild and harmless as a newborn kitten. I like how aptly you pointed out how there is no stereotypical mold that anyone diagnosed with schizophrenia fits in; as with anything else. We are all different.
It is wonderful that you have writing to express yourself through and have found ways of getting the sleep that you need. And, I also think it is a wondrous thing that you accept yourself and appear to have come to terms with your illness. In some ways, you almost make it sound like a blessing, or a gift. I think it can be, if channeled constructively - which you are doing.
You are not alone with those voices from the other parts of yourself. I have them too; and I think more people do than they admit. Maybe for different reasons, but many have them. As for mine; and the not-so-nice ones that I have to contend with - I often try to ignore them; sometimes I reason with them; and at other times I try to comfort and understand them. Like you, I believe they are a part of me that I must acknowledge sooner or later and try to keep them integrated in a constructive way. You are blessed that most of the ones you deal with are malevolent. There are those who are not so fortunate. We all have our dark sides to contend with.
Thank you so much for sharing and being a part of this contest. Best wishes to you and many blessings and much light.
Karen
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Intense. I think most, if not all of us can definately relate to what you've written. The voices I hear are sometimes inside my head, sometimes outside of my head; I mean that sometimes the voices(my friends, as my sister calls them) are in the room with me, and I have conversations w/them. I try not to answer them out loud, as I get weird looks or asked "who are you talking to" etc. But I can't stop my lips from moving. So now, after 6 1/2yrs of marraige(been together over 7yrs) my hubby Rob no longer asks who I'm talking to, or "what did you say?", he just acts like it isn't happening. I don't mean that's a bad thing when I say he acts like it isn't happening, but he doesn't think I'm crazy or a nut, he just goes with the flow, and it is nice not having to make up an excuse of what was going on when I'd say something out loud that made no sense. My kids still ask who I'm talking to, or what did I say, but I think that's to be expected from a 10yr old and 13yr old.
I also am a cutter, started when I was 15yrs old.(I'm now 31yrs old) I've been trying to not do it, as my exhusband always uses it against me in court. He's my sons' father. We are in court alot for this or that, usually visitation modification orders. I've had 8 protection orders against him also. He used to beat me, which is why I divorced him. He also molested my daughter, and we were in litigation for 3 long yrs over that. Ultimately it was dismissed bcuz his scumbag lawyers drug things out so long, my daughter began repressing what he did to her. Now, at age 13, she has repressed everything, has absolutely no memories of it. I know one day it will all come back to her, and dread that day. I hope it's not until she's out of school & college, so she can function well enough to make it through her education.
I also am jealous that you can read. I can't sit down and read a book or watch tv bcuz the voices drive me batty when I try to do anything for any amount of time that requires concentration.
Well my poet friend, I think I've gotten way off topic! I'll close this by saying you're brave for posting such a personal piece, and for that I commend you. =P
Take care and be safe.
~Monica
P.S.: I hope that stupid bill doesn't pass. That is scary to think about that happening.
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I understand completely. I here voices too and see strange things. I haven't been diagnosed as schizo, I'm afraid to see a doctor about it. I'm worried they'd blow me off and say I was faking. Like you, I cut to "numb their influence." I wish you best of luck.
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i will be your friend huggggggggggs you tight
love rhianna
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Many people don't understand the difficulties people with a brain impairment have. I suffer from depression for over 30 years, every day is a struggle. People ask why I am like I am. How can you explain your illness to where they will truly understand. Writing sometimes help, it is an escape for me.
I wish you well,your writing was very moving. I will be your friend as long as you would like me to. I don't get scared away very easily.
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Congrats on the HM!
I'm glad you re-entered and I am honored
to have such a brilliant and sweet friend...
the pleasure, as always is all mine.
Thanks for sharing your beautiful self!
~Pastel
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wow
i will send support to any organization which is going to fight this bill please let me know of any
im an ally in the struggle against mental illness
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I'm schizo too as if you couldn't tell just by my name. I say alot, "I hear voices, I see things you don't, I hope you don't mind." It's rough especially with all the stigma attached but we can help stop that stigma one person at a time by letting people know we aren't all hatchet wielding psychos from the movies.
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Pastel is wonderful isn't she? I don't know why you would of deleted it my friend. You know years and years ago they use to do the samething here. I remember how they would lock up people in institutions for a little of nothing.Just because they were a little different.They use to lock up women for depression after they would lose a baby.I believe if the goverment cared at all they wouldn't create such a shameful law.I think it is there way not to have to give a finiancial helping hand to those who need it.You are by no means a "nutter".And believe me. We all have our mental issues some just not as severe as others. I have been talking to you for sometime now and I admire and respect you all of the way. I hope you will never really consider yourself at my mercy.I considered you a friend from the first day we met and once I make a friend it is for life.The people who have shunned you and been so mean were no friends to begin with. Thank you and good luck in my contest.
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think you are brave to go ahead. you should be proud at least you dont cower behind a mask to scared to tell people what you hear. i would still be your friend just wish my voices were as nice andi was brave enough to tell well done
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