hands and knees
stained white gown
blades of grass
rain pours down
blackened blue eyes
mascara streaks
sopping hair
wetted cheeks
darkness engulfs
without a sound
the earth beneath
now tainted ground
water grows cold
upon bare feet
arms giving out
in solemn defeat
What approaches?
a stranger's step
To save a life?
with nothing left
soul so frightened
never looks up
a body numbed
to a stranger's touch
screams of terror
he backs away
he'll stay with her
'til comes the day
hours pass by
in freezing rain
he dare not speak
but still remains
then one moment
raising her head
lips of blue
eyes filled with dread
a silent plea
he slowly stands
wearily she
extends her hand...
Author notes
I wanted the reader to be able to come to their own conclusions, without me giving every little detail. I hoped to leave room for different imagination theories and different conclusions.
And another thing I was TRYING to accomplish with the title...basically it could reference the touches of two very different strangers...the terrible tragedy in what she went through with one, then onto the decency and hope potential in the other...
I wonder should I continue, this is something new and different for me...??
Comments
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OH
That's uh...'head' not 'hand' geez i get all excited about my comments and I can't even process simple body parts. -
WHAT?!
How did IIII miss this one?!?!?!?!?!?!?!!? Oh man thats so coool. You always stun me with your imagery but I LOVE this idea. And the way you put it together and how you let us finish the little creative story in our hand. Amazing work. Especially the you wrote it. Very exquisite.
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i like this its open ended and kinda vague you don't give up all the details and i like that b/c i have this thing for well written poems that make you guess what has happened and what will happen you should definatly make a part two or not either way its good
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Yeah I don't know......
The story is intriging and I love the ending
Leaves me wanting more
But ....still
I don't know
I just don't know
Keep them comin!!
Much Love!!!!!!!!
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open ended finish
I like the second paragraph the most, flows the best.Keep going with different abstract stories where you make up your own mind what happed next. Mystery is good. No need to finish the story for this one
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Well, it very well could go on further. At first I'd thought she had lept from a bridge into icy cold waters. The lead in of the maliced stranger missed my attention.So, I reread and noticed it. It could develope into a storied poem easily. I enjoyed the drama.
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Yes,you did leave room for the readers imagination to take over. I like that. Visions of a young girl left alone in the wet rain far from home, when a stranger approaches to help her. Yet she is still frightened from the other bad stranger that did her wrong. Two strangers, one bad , and one good..well done, thanks for sharing
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I really liked the concept used and the flow of the poem. It's a truly heart - touching, beautiful piece of poetry
good luck in the contests!
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I liked the idea that someone is there, waiting for you when you need that help. Though you feel as though could never let anyone else into your desperation and despair, there is still someone, somewhere, waiting for that moment when you need them and that is when they will be there.
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You could continue .. but for some reason I think that it almost makes it better that you stopped where you did. I very much like this... just when shes starting to give up, he's still there.. I like that thought..
It almost gives this sense of hope..although things are at their worst, and the hard times have you down on your knees and wet from tears..someone will be there. I dont know I probably sound like complete BS but .. I do like this.
Great Write!
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No, you don't! and thank you...see, remember when I said I overexplain things? I was trying to use few words to capture an image and emotion at the same time. Maybe I'm all or nothing...too much or not enough!
I wanted the reader to be able to come to their own conclusions, without me giving every little detail and I hoped that it left room for different imagination and different conclusions (should I put that in my author notes?)
And another thing I was TRYING (lol) to accomplish with the title...basically we could be talking about the touches of two very different strangers...and terrible tragedy in what she went through with one, then onto the decency and hope in the other...?? Does that make sense? Am I expecting way too much reading between the lines?
Thank you again, you're awesome!
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No, you aren't expecting too much. It doesn't take much reading between the lines. It's actually interesting that you left it for people to come to their own conclusions. The ending does offer a sense of hope.. she's finally reaching out, and like I said, recognizing that he's there. And I like that he doesn't walk away.
Have a sweet day/night! hehe.
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Maybe you should make her do something... like touch him. Though this ending does have an effect. It's kind of like.. she's waking up from her dark coma and noticing him. But it probably needs more. That's just what I think. It was good, though. Me likey.
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Thank you! I just wasn't sure what to do Leave it to the imagination or finish it off...we'll see, lol. You should read my reply to the comment above yours and then see what you think of what I was trying to accomplish.
I miss talking to you!!! Hope things are well and you are taking care!
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