[ Sometimes you feel like giving up ]

Sometimes you feel like giving up
Sometimes you just want to give in
Dark thoughts, like mice
hide in corners and holes
in your head, until you want to scream
built up rage
stored up hate

I decided to write
and not try to rhyme
just to see what came out
and I don't know how I feel

and I barely know who I am
all I know is that I'm searching
and I wasn't searching, but I found you
and I'm happier now than I've ever been
now that I decided to let you in.

I took a chance, and took a leap
and you caught me so lovingly
and I may be weak and have issues galore
but you like me despite that,
maybe even because of that
and I can't help but think
everything you do is cute.
Your laugh, your smile, your kisses.
The way you crinkle your nose at me
and how I melt when you touch me.
How everytime I see you I get the urge
to lean down and kiss you.

yet I hold myself back.
Why?  Because I'm still afraid.
Afraid to let loose.
Afraid to show you how much I care.
Because before I met you,
there was a girl who
let's say, mislead me.
in the nicest way
possible.
She told me she liked me, and I
I did confess I liked her too
and then she screwed me over,
backed out of it, and left me
left me hanging there
alone and scared.
she acted like she had never cared.
And I'm terrified that this will be the same.
That if I kiss you, that if i show you
that I feel like I need you,
You'll disapear.
and a week later,
you'll be with someone else.
Holding on to his arm and laughing,
kissing him in front of me.
and just forgetting that you ever
even liked or even knew me.

I can't let that happen.
My single pink rose.
My one "take a chance"
I knew it wouldn't work.
I am cursed.
but you assure me this won't fail.
So did she.
and things turn out the way they are
it just happens.

but I'm not strong enough
to lose the only thing
that I care about

It might push me farther back
than I can even go
and I'd have to flee
back to roanoke
to escape my future
and to relive my past.

I guess being a pessimist
has a negative influence
on my life and everything in it.

I'm writing more for me than anyone else,
who knows if I will even hit the submit button.

I feel so overwhelmed and inadequate,
and definitely not experienced or good enough for you.

And you're perfect.
and whole, and you are strong and know who you are
what you want,
and how to get it.

I hate it.
because I envy you for it.
which is stupid and selfish.
but true.

I want a good ending to this not-poem
but I guess there isn't an ending,
because my life is only just beginning.
and I'm scared of it
but so exited.
and I can't wait to see where this goes.
I only hope that I can open up more than I already have.