A stray bullet flies around the room, hitting your addictions squarely in the face. Show the girl a little bit more courtesy than that. You left the window open, so I shut the door. There’s only one way out. One of us is leaving in a body bag && you sure as hell can bet it won’t be me. Give the prosthetic hearts the remembrance they deserve. You said there was nothing more lovely than the open highway, painted black at night. Give me your half-hearted open line clichés, I bet I can turn them into something that will work for us. Kiss me like you mean it. Crush my lips between the sheets. Wrapped up in a liars arms. Boy, you’d better pray she doesn’t find me here. That girl that’s still in love with you. You may not think she exists but from my experience it’d be hard to lose. I’m keeping you awake all night without your consent. I want to do what we do best. Let’s drink each other underneath the sheets. You’ve dusted my body for prints but only found the remnants of the last time you fell into me. I accepted bribes of sparrows and broken arrows. It’s nothing to you. I’m a sentimental bitch, && I’ll keep every word you’ve spoken to me locked in a vault. You make a better lover than a bride. The faithful are the vultures. Where do you fit in? I painted your beauty cruelly with words. You’ll never be all mine. I want to tell you, not about all the things that make my heart beat, but of all the things that make my heart stop. It’s the end of the season, there’s nothing left to lose && nothing left to gain.
There’s nothing left but an open highway and a full tank of gas. Where do you wanna take me, baby?
A contest entry
- Gothic/Emo Contest... by Sunday Rain.
825 points, ended March 23, 2008, 18 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Those people who break you & don't seem to give a damn. by xxRainbowDawnxx.
425 points, ended May 11, 2008, 21 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Once upon a time, I ripped the wings from my spine. by On Frail Wings..
700 points, ended July 11, 71 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - like we'd torn it from the pages of some lipstick magazine. by Not-The-Sun.
900 points, ended October 13, 41 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
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this is a pretty good write. I think it has a good plot and you have great descriptions and all that, but to make it easier to read and to flow better for the reader, this piece would be much nicer in shorter stanzas. don't get me wrong, I love prose. but I think some of your lines have different thoughts behind them, some of them need spacing as a type of transition between ideas.
here are parts that i especially loved:
Give me your half-hearted open line clichés, I bet I can turn them into something that will work for us.
You’ve dusted my body for prints but only found the remnants of the last time you fell into me.
and from "You make a better lover than a bride." on to the ending, I loved every word of it. I also enjoyed the sort of repetition of the idea of a car on a high way at beginning and end of this piece. great work; this is very unique and enjoyable to read. your ideas here are awesome and I think with a bit of editing, this piece could be spectacular. but at the same time, maybe the fact that this piece is in on main paragraph of prose is what makes it unique? maybe consider breaking up that large stanza into two or three. it's up to you, just a thought. thanks for entering and sharing
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Creative...
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This is a good write in essence, great wording...but the way it all runs together makes it seem....more prosy that poetic...I agree with Maria y Ivan....you need to break it up.
Good work though.
Kass
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I love this poem, I think that you should try to break it up into lines and stanzas, but I think that you have a good poem here and it's a good subject. Thank you for your entry in my contest and good luck.
~Maria
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