And it hurts to breathe
[it's like a poison in my blood
and it’s eating at my skin
feeling like plastic
Just another empty Barbie]
Every heart beat pulses
Reminding me I’m alive.
[Not like I want to.
What’s the point in continuing?
Knowing my graduation hold an empty seat
I’ll walk down the aisle with a portrait of you
Instead of holding your hand.]
My stomach aches,
I’m bent over double,
A cripple as I walk.
My eyes are buring
On fire with tears.
[But it does nothing.
I could drown this world
And still you’d be gone.
D E A D.
Out of my reach.]
It just hurts to know
The earth still spins.
Doesn’t care.
Doesn’t know
Of the person it has lost.
Doesn’t understand
How they just lost a little sunshine.
[We live in halogen lights.
It’s not like they’ll really know.
How everything was brighter when you smiled.
When you laughed.
How we had a piece of perfection
In you.]
But what do I know?
I’m just a teenager.
Sweet sixteen.
I know nothing of pain.
Grief.
[But this emptiness makes me cry.
And I wish I could join you
In your earthy tomb.
Because living isn’t the same.
How can I do it without you?]
But what do I know?
I’m just a teen.
I know nothing of pain.
Nothing of grief.
Author notes
RIP Chuckles.
option 7
A contest entry
- THE BEST YOU CAN DO! please enter... :) by LilMrsAttitude.
1600 points, ended March 30, 2008, 66 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - I want poems about grief here by trekkergirl.
400 points, ended May 19, 80 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Constructive criticism keeps me from killing you.
Comments
1 - 9 of 9
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Actually I liked this. The way you set it up. Your imagery. You chose words that expressed how you wanted the reader to feel very well. All in all a good write. Thanks for sharing this with us and thanks for entering it into my contest.
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This is good. I don't usually encounters poems such as these, but this one I am glad to have clicked on. I don't think your feelings become lessened or invalid because of your age. Indeed, it is in youth that our passions burn most fiercely, or so I think so. I'll contact you in a few decades to see if that is true or not. Nevertheless, I think you have written a fine piece and if you are feeling sad the best advice I can give you is to continue to write, and to write beyond your immediate self. But don't force it. Use your poetry to understand the world and that which surrounds you. You'll be surprised to see what you come across and what inner strength and beauty you uncover within yourself by writing of things that eliminate the "I" or the "Me" or the "My," but focuses on the "Those," "Its," and "These." It will overwhelm you. You are young, but who amongst us is not? Be strong and love life, even when it is unbearable to do so. Take care!
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This is a sad poem.
This is a great poem.
Sorry for your loss.
I know how it feels to lose someone.
I lost my grandmother when I was 3, my oldest brother in 2003, and my uncle in 2004.
If your need anyone to pray for you, I will be glad to.
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I do agree that this is very powerful and dramatic... if you don't mind me asking who is the person in your author's notes, Chuckles?
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he was the man i considered my father. even though he didn't marry or even date my mom. my real father ran out on me and pretends i don't exist. Chuckie (chuckles) was there for me.
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Powerful poem - it speaks straight to the readers heart. I really like how you used periods at the end of some of the sentences. I don't know how but it really helped with the flow.
This was especially powerful:
"[But it does nothing.
I could drown this world
And still you’d be gone.
D E A D.
Out of my reach.]"
How you spaced it, and how you wrote it.
Hehe. I'm sorry, but I really don't have any Constructive criticism for you. I liked every line ~ and saw nothing to be fixed.
Great job ~
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I like the way you show how the "adult" world can be so wrapped up in it's own grief that it fails to see how others feel loss as well. The way in which you show the outward as well as the inner struggle.
Well Done.
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Sounds like you (or the poem's speaker if this is not a true poem) knows a great deal about grief, since you describe it so well. This is one powerful write. I can really feel your pain. It hurts to much to lose a friends, and I can relate to all the emotions expressed in this. You managed to make this very real and heartfelt, something people can relate to yet not at all cliched.
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this is so sad, and so well-written
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