Voice like a drone instructing
Heavy cheeks and lips pretend
I sit second from the back on the far side
Waiting
To my left she scratches absently
Eyes looking beyond the textbook
Cryptic words upon the desk
"one minute and thirty seconds."
Grey sky hanging outside grimy window
Tear stained with heaven's weepings
Muted sun staring through hand painted pictures
One minute to go
I grin
She smiles
The curve of her lips
Curious fascination
I breathe
Eyes wide
I grab the edges of the desk
She looks at me with a strange desire
And winks
The teacher turns
hunched back to the class
NOW!
With shouts of surprise the others watch
She beats me to the door
Teacher's mighty maw swinging open
Mouthing soundless words
My loose-laced shoes shriek
Her hair flowing behind her like golden rain
I leap over the last desk
Rolling out onto the hallway floor
They're here.
From the shadows behind the door
From the darkness within each half open locker
Eerie limbs harrowing my haunted eyes
Red orbs burning with malicious intent
I catch a hold of her hand...
Terrible claws reach and call
Jealous visions of dark despair
The fear in her eyes pretends
Her courage like hands pulling me along
She screams...
"TEN SECONDS!"
Window at the end of the hall
Dark claws grab my leg
Blood across the sun's reflection upon the floor
I grit my teeth
Tears running down my cheeks
I yell with wordless rage
A spoken hope
5...
...4
3...
...2
The sun once muted shines
What moves behind this melted sand mirror?
A new place
A portal
A hiccup in time
With our last step we leap
Dark visage of a terrible fear howling
The window shatters into a million shining pieces
Free
Mrs. Daley looked out the door of her classroom, rubbing her wrinkled forehead as she did. The hallway was dark. She wanted to say something...someone had...something. Her rheumy eyes searched the end of the hall, rain throwing itself against the window. There'd been someone there. Why had she stopped teaching? Her mind wrestled amongst the spider webs draped knowingly between her ears. She shook her head, trying to understand why a little voice was screaming in the back of her mind. She didn't even flinch when shadowy hands crept up behind her from the dark side of the door. They rested upon her shoulders, wicked claws caressing her aged cheek. A pale, angular face touched a pointed nose to her hair, inhaling deeply. Matte black lips pulled wide across the thin face moved with beautiful tension against her ear. She shivered. Black hands traced the line of her throat, moving around the liver spots. Eyes of a deep purple brightened with an eerie delight.
She frowned. Then she sighed. She should go back into the classroom and continue teaching. Nodding, she did just that, dark hands closing the door behind her. The students were sitting in their seats, staring at her without a word. There were two empty seats near the back of the room. They must be absent, she thought. When they all heard a scream and the metallic crunch of a locker door, none of them flinched. They didn't even move. They didn't even blink.
Author notes
D e m i n g t o n
A contest entry
- Escort Me to My Neverland by Winterbirdie.
700 points, ended February 15, 2008, 4 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - III by N e a r.
4000 points, ended February 16, 2008, 121 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Bring Your Muse To LIfe! by Nighttime angel.
1200 points, ended February 29, 2008, 15 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Join, Friends by Kikai Ni.
1150 points, ended March 17, 2008, 17 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - INVITE ONLY by danceswsquirrels.
1250 points, ended April 2, 2008, 2 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Prewrite-palooza by swim.x.
1650 points, ended October 6, 2008, 101 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Write the best poem in history. by DumbBaby.
900 points, ended February 3, 10 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Anything and everything by Dryad Enya.
517 points, ended November 10, 231 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - enter your best poem, prewrites allowed :) by sillysmile.
400 points, ended November 8, 146 entries
• next poem in this contest, • Add to finalists list, or remove from contest - Anything and everything by bunnyslasher157.
900 points, ended November 11, 106 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Nevermore . . . (Dark and emotional prewrites contest) by BrokenGlassRose.
800 points, ended November 10, 53 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - GOLDEN DARKNESS by Perennial Plague.
400 points, ended November 17, 28 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Best of the Allpoetriers by wandyway.
550 points, ends December 1, 80 entries
• next poem in this contest, • Add to finalists list, or remove from contest
Respect is asked for, given and understood... :)
Comments
1 - 59 of 59
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At first it was very nice and pretty and everything's good lalala and then the monsters come.
Which made it all the better.
The contrast of how it's normal and then these dark creatures come and bring chaos and then they come again and no one reacts is just amazingingly done. The flow is just perfect and the odd structure works well for the poem. This is the stuff of nightmares, good job. Finalist -
Wow... That reminds me of a few dreams... Nice poem. good luck and keep writing!!
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Respect given!
This sounds just like a nightmare I had without the countdown of course but eerily like it- very creepy- not sure if it is for the reason that in itself it is creepy but damn it all it was creepy that my nightmare bares a striking resemblance!
Very well done- no wonder you have so many trophies on this one!
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thank you for entering
wow this piece just blew me away, i truely loved it, it was brilliant and whatever inspired you to come up with this is amazing. I loved it, the imagery and your use of words, just stunning.
good luck and thanks for entering.
-Penguin- -
Absolutely fantastic write! Just the type of poetry I love to read.
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I sit second from the back on the far side
Waiting
To my left she scratches absently
Eyes looking beyond the textbook
Cryptic words upon the desk
"one minute and thirty seconds."
just this makes me want to read more!!! Captivating write thank you for entering the contest. -
Holy Shamoley -- this is really scary! I saw your contest, and decided I'd better get an idea of the sort of thing you write/like! I may have to think before entering. I loved the setting, the "escape" and then another scarier ending! Wow! Lita
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This really drags you in & I can see why you have won so many trophys for it.
Even though I loved reading it I think I might give some newer writers a go.
thank you for giving me the chance to read this
Prefer prewrites that haven't accomplished as much as you have with this one
I will be back to read some more you have intrigued me
Mia
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Sorry for not being more clear. I didn't mean for this to be in your contest, I just wanted to see if I could give you something interesting to read.
And, to be honest, I enjoy seeing what people think about my older works. Thanks for the comment!!!
I hope you get a ton of great stuff in your contest!
IC C
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This is brilliant, the whole tale was exciting! Thanks for entering and good luck!
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Wow, this was brilliant!
Thanks for entering & best of luck
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I loved the conflicting start and end to this write, lots of imagery and very eerie. Well done
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ok, I've got two words for you. They are: Blind Epiphany.
My my you've certainly gotten a lot of awards for this piece.
It's very intense. I think the best part of it is that you describe things so wonderfully, and the story is obviously about an epic battle between good and evil. And it helps that there's a girl and a guy involved. lol.
Anyways, I look forward to seeing what else you come up with.
Thanks for involving me. lol. -
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Thanks! I will let you know as soon as I get done!
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Tear stained with heavens weeping~~~loved that line, and many of the others.
This was a strange read, creepy,gave me the chills, like an awesome scary horror flick, which I love to watch.
Thanks for entering. -
Wow. this is a very creative peice. It was so intriging(sp?)! you have to really use your imagination to follow such a write but its utterly captivating!
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95%
I thought I remembered reading this before; mine was one of the first comments on this poem. And I'm still absolutely in love with it. So interesting & complex... so many different styles for one crazy story.
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This is soooo imgainative and full of imagery! What a wonderful write...I enjoyed that this kept my attention so much. Your creativity is very refreshing indeed. I really was able to sink my mental teeth into this piece (and it had such nice flavor too). I can see how you've won so many awards for it.
AsIThink...
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That was.. GREAT! I don't really know how else to express my utter astonishment when i read this. And I mean astonishing in a good way
Good luck in the contest.
Chin up,
Swim.x -
What a beautiful write, a great entry for this contest. A perfectly penned write with great flow and good imagery. Thank you for the entry. Keep the pen flowing...the pleasure was all mine.
Nevadapoet -
Well I can see why you think this is your best write! It's a very well written piece that describes alot of things. I like the creativity and depth this poem included in it. Great job and good luck!
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It's funny. When asked for my best write I try not to think of it as saying which one of my children I like the most...
Thanks for the comment!
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thanks for your entry and best of luck, very well written too. xx
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wow. this scared me. grat work here, love it! and this is great- even with the narrative. it explains a lot. never would I want you to change that either
-checkmate -
Great work. Best wishes and thank you for entering.
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well done. I love it. It is very unique.
Thanks for entering!
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I decided to post every ones scores so here's yours! based on every ones votes!
3 gold 2 silver 1 bronze 2 hm 5.5
I will be opening another contest, invite only just for you... there was an error with the program I was using to keep track of everything...
Since your score was tied with the first place you will recieve a gold trophy along with 1000 pts! please move this poem to the contest asap!
Jessa♥
http://allpoetry.com/contest/2398561 -
Thank you for sharing your favorite with me, best of luck in the contest.
♥
whisper
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Gold
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Amazing. You managed to give such vivid detail without boring me. I was intrigued, to say the least, by this incredible story. You deserve
GOLD -
Silver
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*GOLD*
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Well Done!
You have written a great tale, one that I enjoyed reading very much, with lots of imagery.
I must admit the line that stood out for me was this one:
Her mind wrestled amongst the spider webs draped knowingly between her ears.
Hehehe... I found that rather amusing to say the least.
I would have to have this in the top 3 places of the competition for Best prewrite between December 07 and February 08!
And I am much like yourself in the belief, that the only way to actually get good feed back on your work. Is to put it out there for all to see.
Regardless of how many contest you've entered it in. People should judge the work on merit, not on how many contest it's been entered for.
Good luck in "All the contest you've entered" this work deserves it!
All the best,
~T.S~
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HM
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wow. this is super intense. i don't quite get the story. but wow. silver.
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You have a excellent word choice in this piece. Not once did I roll my eyes or cough on apathetic jab of creating imagery. I was intrigued when I started reading this and my attention was held through out the piece. Though, personally I would remove the flirt bit, or either elaborate more. Its too simple, I feel, for it to remain as it is, or to remain in the piece. I liked the transition half way through. that was great. and the last part written in sentences actually needs to be a piece on its own without the student part dragging it down. Elaborate on the teacher. she was far more interesting than the students. And also I felt maybe this piece was trying to be almost insane and yet hold itself together with a bit of a plot, and I think you should either work on it being entirely scattered with a meaning and flow hiddeen so well it would take the poetic geniuses to see it, or either step back fromthe insanity and give it more of an actual story feel.Now these are just my personal opinion. But the one thing that brought me down about this poem was how many contest you had it entered in. I understand tyhat you want people to read it but it seems to be an excessive look for attention. so a great piece, genuinly, just take it out of so m any contest!
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Well, well, well. I must admit, this is quite the critique. One of the best if I may say so. So frank and yet so full of good thoughts that I felt compelled to reply. You m'lady, have a very good sense of things.
As to the abundant contests I simply enjoy critiques on my work and find that contests are the easiest way to get them. And as much as I just love the wonderful helpfulness of "well done" and "good job!" I need more.
Something EXACTLY like what you've given me.
From the bottom of my humbled heart, thank you. Thank you very much.
Blessings from he who is in your debt,
C
(Oh, and a quick EDIT, the structure is a direct result of me just sitting down and writing off the top of my head. I liked the spontaneous feel that I got whenever I thought of its creation so I couldn't bring myself to change it)
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lol... well to tell you the truth.. I had to read it twice to get some sence of it... but it was good.... creepy lol but good
I'm going to be quick commenting because of the abundance of entries, so here is your score...
Title- 8
diction-9
syntax- 10
wowness factor- 10
Total- 37
Thank you so much for entering and participating in my contest and good luck,
~luminescence
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I should have known it was you. I don't know what the title means, but I'm pretty sure 'yume' means dream.
I read that there were many lines, and silly me, I expected to be bored. The very beginning deceptively seemed cliche; all dark and boring. And then, dear god, immediate tension, broken so masterfully. As usual.
And, of course, a fantastically summarized ending, explaining without textbook droning.
Beautifully done, sir. Once again, I'm left in awe.
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Mysterious
Wow, this peice has almost left me without words. You are a very descriptive person and your imagination has taken far off from space, it is creative, unique, and suspensful. Each line brings out another emotion. Some how you touch this poem with a fade of light, and a glimpse of dark. It's like flowing down to the bottom of the ocean. As you fall, lower and lower to the gulls, you can only wonder, is it time to adventure back to the shore? How far down am I? What's that creature? Is this water even cold at all? So many questions, but so much splendor, a world dark and medieval, creatures known, but untold, stories sank below the depths in murky water, been there centuries, words,dreams,memories and all, brought out in under water, and this is a peice, that can relate to such a fantasy, like finding the titanic, and recovering it's stories, it's riches, and a fantasy when we bring that story to life. -
this is absolutely outstanding piece. I amazed and I love it. the depth that you have gone with this is quite amazing. I really enjoyed the last two paragraphs, this piece is very dark & eerie. I was on the edge of my seat couldn't wait until I read the next line.
thank you for entering and good luck
kat -
This is a wonderful piece, the depth you have gone with is outstanding. You ave given very detailed and accurate imagery throughout, creating a wonderful tale. I like the lightly laced darkness this has to it. A superb piece, very well thought out and penned. Thank you for entering our contest and good luck
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I tried looking it up in my best friend's Japanese dictionary, but I couldn't find it. :/ Ah well. As for this piece...
I am utterly speechless. I instantly fell in love with the two characters in the story, the two students that were running... Personally, I loved the poem the best. The prose focused on the teacher (and yes, it went perfectly with the write), but I didn't like her character much. EXCELLENT job! Bookmarking.
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Thanks for entering my Valentine's Day contest, and good luck!
M a r l u x i a
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Wow! Wow! And wow again! This was amazing! I've never really heard a poem like this! Its amazing! Every line made me want to read more, and the ending tied it together almost perfectly. Good luck in the contest!
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i love the structer. it is frantic, i was on the edge of my seat..great read!
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I am quite partial to the picture used as the prompt. You created a world, a situation, that completely fit that picture! I love it! As EnigmaticMonday said, there are so many questions I want answers to!
It is so great to get a "poem" like this in a contest.
Good luck!!!
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I’ve just been reading galley-proofs for a book on Stephen King’s fiction, and then read this. Perfect timing. This has all of the evocative sense of King at his best, horror present but mostly unseen, the landscape here and now but open to something more, the characters an intriguing blend of youthful innocence and adult opacity.
It begins perfectly, with controlled quatrains, ideally suggesting setting and tone: “drone,” “heavy,” “pretend.” This is our world…but the next quatrain opens into something different with “cryptic” and the countdown. Then quatrain three returns us to ‘reality’ with “grey,” “grimy,” “stained,” “weepings,” “muted.” This is NOT a pleasant place.
Then, just when the poem seems to establish itself as working within one set of parameters, one kind of form—loose quatrains—it suddenly shifts…form, tone, structure, emotion. The expanding free-verse lines of the next stanza open into emotion, into brightness, into excitement. And the narrative pacing increases accordingly as the next few stanzas weave in and out, from the excitement of the shared secret to the tedium of the classroom, to the increasing darkness, threat, horror, and ecstasy of the flight from this world into…something else. Something “free.”
Or not.
The final shift is remarkable. From another loose quatrain, bringing us back to the opening sense of the poem, into prose…but not flat, expository, neutral prose. This is a singing kind of prose, but the song is dark and terrifying. Language and sentence structure bring with them the rich poetic texture of the opening stanzas, but content must be reduced to prose. Mrs. Daley—and the world she represents—cannot see, understand, accept anything else. Her experience with the Other must bring her quickly from the possibility of perception back to what she can accept. And in the second paragraph, ‘reality’ reasserts itself. Sentences are simple, declarative. Blunt, neutral. “Were,” were,” “be”—no action, no movement.
Except for the final frisson of horror. “A scream,” “a locker door”—not “the scream,” “the locker door,” which would have made it precise and definite, but rather something indefinite, beyond their capacity. And then two statements of horrific understatement.
And the tale is done.
In a sense, this can’t be assessed simply as a poem. It is an innovative attempt at blending poetry and prose, evocation and exposition, rationality and irrationality (in that all horror inevitably partakes of the irrational—not madness but a sudden awareness of something beneath reason). As such it is remarkable and highly effective. It evokes without telling. It tantalizes with imagery at the same time it creates a coherent and unified story.
[I might suggest—just to show that I haven’t surrendered all critical faculties—that “fit to fly” seem a bit trite. Each time I read the piece it strikes a slight discord.]
Well done in every sense.
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I modified the line but had a hard time coming up with a solid idea...
What do you think of what I did to change it?
"My sneaker shrieks as I follow after"
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I agree. It doesn't feel quite right. Maybe "sneaker" sounds too light, too 'sporty'. The more neutral "shoe" or "shoes"? "My shoes shriek as I follows/Her golden hair...." The bit of alliteration might help.
"Sneakers" might too readily suggest "squeak," even though that isn't the word in the line. It fits the more commonplace image, though, a phrase we've heard before. And the consonants kind of combat themselves--"sn-"/'-z'/"sh-".
I'm getting in too deep here. But I do think the line is stronger than "fit fo fly."
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I went ahead an tried again...
"My loose-laced shoes shriek"
A different POV on this line that might work better. -
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Yes! More than just a sound. Something visual to accompany it, and at the same time a touch of characterization--he isn't controlled by expectation, he is open to the moment, to emotion, to sudden reaction...all imaged by the shoe-laced not fulfilling their presumed function.
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As always, your wisdom humbles me. Thank you for taking the time to help me as you have.
Blessings,
Philippians 4:8-9 (I don't know what you believe, but this verse is special to me)
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Why would I ever disqualify this beautiful piece of art?
"Grey sky hanging outside grimy window
Tear stained with heaven's weepings
Muted sun staring through hand painted pictures
One minute to go"
Such magnificent imagery; when I'm reading, it feels as though I'm a part of the action. So vivid and intense - I adore it!
What an excellent take on the prompt; I'm certainly impressed. Thanks very much for entering our contest and best of luck to you! -
When I read your work it feels like there's a portal which opens up right by me and there's a gravitational pull, dragging me towards it...and I go freely of course.
I love how you start in poetry form and then switch to narrative. It really adds to the intensity of the beginning and then the confusion at the end. Really liked that...
This is definately one you have to finish Demington...I want to know where they have gone, what has happened to them...what made the crunch of the locker...why were they screaming...so many questions.
Really enjoyed it! My heart's racing!
E-M
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Its fitting that you were the first to comment on what I see as one of my best.
Thanks for taking a glance! -
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Really? How so?
And no worries, you know I love your work!
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How so? Well, you read my work long before many others. I'd rather the first comment come from someone I know, not someone I don't.
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'tis true. I would be the same. Now look at you! Got trophies all over the place! So proud of you!
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