A paradox of sentiments, defined to none but us;
nestled between reality and dreams for none but us.
Intravenous fireworks almost uncontained;
uncover shades of colour seen by none but us.
Fertilise waves to tidal proportions;
to quench a thirst, deep, within none but us.
Laws broken inexplainably;
as existence blurs none but us.
Eternity beckons;
fishing for none but us.
Blinded by softly sung eyelids;
caught in the breeze by none but us.
Lava surges through shared cobalt highways;
along stapled hands between none but us.
Strings of fate weave us into tessellating shapes;
creating finite perfection in none but us.
Gravity, keeps us orbiting around which matters most;
though stars lead us astray, 'My Heart belongs to none but us
Author notes
This is my least favourite form of poetry I have ever come across...structured free verse? I mean that seems like a contradiction in terms to me. I truly did not enjoy writing this piece. This is a Ghazal by the way and I will never be writing one again unless forced to.
I was given the prompt to write one about love without using the following:
love, heart, blood, passion, desire, companion, beloved, cupid, romance, devotion
I have made an exemption with "heart" because that is my pen name and I have to include that in the last line.
The other rules are as follows:
Ghazal is made of couplets, between 5 and 15 in a poem. Each couplet should be like a seperate little poem that fits well with the rest. There should be a pause and sort of change between the first and second line of each couplet.
There is a double refrain (which can be a word or phrase) at the beginning and a refrain on every second line of each couplet that follows
It is meant to rhyme but hey this is a non rhyming contest
The meter is supposed to be the same and I was told to write this in a certain metre but as this clearly states: "so far, I have not figured out a way to make an English ghazal adhere to any of these meters. I believe the variation of English accents makes this pretty much impossible to accomplish" so...what am I supposed to do?
Anyway that's about it. Anyone tell I'm not happy? Good.
I gave a quote by Picasso I think...suppose I best find it:
There are painters who transform the sun to a yellow spot, but there are others who with the help of their art and their intelligence, transform a yellow spot into the sun.
Pablo Picasso (1881 - 1973)
Sorry for the attitude and for being late.
Oh I tried to imprint my own little piece of personality by using different syllable counts, it goes 14,12,10,8,6,8,10,12,14 or at least it shoud. Right that's enough. Humph
She Has My Heart
A contest entry
- Teen Idol 7: Round 3 [Top 14] by Tangled Angle.
300 points, ended February 2, 2008, 12 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Suggestions?
Comments
1 - 26 of 26
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I do think I prefer the sort of thing you tend to come up with without a guideline, but I still absolutely love what you've done.
"Lava surges through shared cobalt highways;
along stapled hands between none but us."
That is really superb imagery, I must say - so visually arresting to the imagination.
Your descriptions are amazing, as they ordinarily are. I wouldn't be so pessimistic about this poem if I were you. This may have been hard to pull off, but you did so with finesse and flying colors. The finished product leaves no traces of frustration, so you should be proud.
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Bah I still hate it
Thanks for the continued support!
x
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wow - welcome on authors notes. Repetition, horrid formatting and the restriction of the form. I feel kind of bad for you but.. you did manage to pull it off so lift the chin up
Much luck,
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Chandni says I'd win something if there was an Author's note championships
Thanks x
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I can understand your frustration with the form. I've never done well with forms, and the idea of a free verse form makes my head explode (unless it's one you come up with on the spot lol).
Down to the poem itself I thought you pulled this off remarkably well, especially considering you had such difficulty with the form.
You use of language was lovely and, for me, the best part of the poem. There was one phrase that I think stuck a little; "Laws broken unexplainably;". Personally I would use a word other than "unexplainably". I don't know, it just doesn't do it for me I suppose.
I partially agree with Tyler on the repetition; I think it wasn't as effective as some I've seen, but given that it was a stipulation of your prompt, I thought you pulled it off.
All in all I was impressed
p.s. Don't let it frustrate you so much, I know I was tearing my hair out for last season. Drove me crazy, but it was worth it
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Lol, *gets covered in brain matter* ewwww!
Thanks for your uplifting comment
At first it was inexplicably but that didn't flow so well (to me anyway)
Take care x -
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Ah,
Just looked it up on the net;
it's not spelt "unexplainably" it's spelt "inexplainably"
That would be why it didn't sit right
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Thanks!
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I like this Yeah, the ghazal is a tough form, but the result is usually a good poem- like this one!
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Lol, thanks, no poem has quite taken it out of me like this one
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BTW
I bumped yours up to 8.2
I thought 8/10 was kind of an under-rate. So I went through and re-read, and so, your new score is 8.2
[Just incase people see this, I rescored everyone; because I read all the poems and judged a second time. I went with the results I got the 2nd time.] -
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Thanks x
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Hi. I did send a link to a ghazal that was non-rhyming as an example. The ghazal does not have to rhyme.
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-shrug- that's not my problem! lol!
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It most certainly was mine
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In the rules in the column at the bottom it states that a mono rhyme should always be used (that constitutes rhyming to me) and an end rhyme can be introduced:
"7) A mono-rhyme is used throughout the couplets. The rhyme terminates at the syllable before each refrain. So, the rhyme is used twice in the first couplet and once on the second line of every couplet ensuing. If there are 15 couplets, the mono-rhyme is used 16 times. This can get interesting."
"8) Except for the fact that each couplet uses a refrain, there is no end rhyme. However, end rhyme may be introduced as a compliment to the form. If end rhyme is used in any manner, it is used in conjunction with the mono-rhyme, not in place of it."
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~*~
eeny meeny miny mo.
have an applause - you deserve it!
Never ♥
ps. Hindhi ghazals are actually brilliant - that said, I see how the ghazal in english is wrong in it's own - I still think you did an excellent form - I know I won't be trying this song.
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Meh, ta lol
I'm sure they are but I have been put off for life.
x
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We shall set a record book - you're down for the longest author's notes ever.
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Welcome To A Forest Fairytale +
No Guarantee On Love are longer me thinks... -
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You'll go down and set the record - not individual poems
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Lol
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8.2
Yeah, I was kind of confused as to why you were given a rhyming prompt when it is so obvious that this is a free verse contest. I understand your frustration, but relax. Chances are, even if you place last, you'll still make it to the next round considering two people have yet to enter. -shrug-
As for the poem. I loved the imagery that the metaphors made. Cool images for sure. I really didn't like this form, the repetition/refrain it just didn't work for me. But that isn't your fault, I'm just not that big on repetition unless if it's like...really effective. In this case, it wasn't. I'm not holding that against you though considering that is what the form required.
As for the poem itself, the meaning, and the creativity..and also doing all of that within a writer's prison, so to speak, I think you did a good job.
This is the first one I've graded so by default I'm going to rate this an 8.2... Scores of other entries will be determined in comparison to your poem. [For me at least]
Not bad, I did like this, and good luck to you.
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Haha go through by default - great
Your comment shows what a great judge you are, even though you do not like the form you have read into it so...I was worried someone would mark me down for something out of my control. I don't like the repitition either.
A writer's prison, now that should be my freaking title!
Thanks for the comment and applause x
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Feck...
a duck...hmmmmm...hey up!! some good lines in here, I do agree with what you have said in your notes. I think if you took the poem and wrote it as you would normally write it, it would come out great. U.F.I.
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I couldn't agree more, if I was given open reign to write what I wanted it could have been a lot better. Still thanks for your support! Good result for Leicester on Monday too
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