flying through the air, she's dancing again
her hair wraps around her flushed face as her feet move back and forth,
swaying to the beat
eyes are full of concentration
as she mumbles her next move
hands gracefully make circles in the air
as the dress glides and gently sweeps the stage
her heart flutters as her body follows her feet
and grasps the beat of the music
she smiles, slightly as she lands every jump
just as she has been practicing, for many months
this is the first time she has danced,
since the accident
her broken body is now healed
even though her heart is still wounded
she glides through the air,
there are no obstacles when she dances
the world is her masterpeice, and she is the painter
she twirls her dress and circles the stage over and over
she paints the wind with ever movement
she is flying again, embracing her gift
she reaches to the sky, and pauses just as the music finishes
she bows as the audience raves with joy
she is dancing again, she is living again
Author notes
po, theme
A contest entry
- Poem of the Month - POM by Arkbear.
1000 points, ended February 3, 2008, 16 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - All for All (im taking all poems and no rules =) )) by Erozay.
550 points, ended May 9, 2008, 38 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Suitable-for-Publishing Poetry Contest. Prewrites welcome. by Expat4Cebu.
500 points, ended May 30, 2008, 28 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Anything goes....the second time... by Nikki Rowles.
600 points, ended June 13, 2008, 73 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Passion by Florida Sunshine.
600 points, ended July 12, 2008, 36 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 8 of 8
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I am a person who simply can't dance, but I love it so. The imagery you've penned gives me reminders of the feeling I hold when I spin, all while imagining the handsome man to my side accompanies my glide. Music or not I get the motion. Like a spirit that dances against the air.
One suggestion [and it merely is a suggestion] is to take out the hers and shes. We know your talking about a woman, with using her and she so often puts all the attention on her, instead of her and the dance as a combination. -- However, I started to write this to show you an example of how you can write this without the shes and hers but in doing so would take some reconstruction of the poem. You may decide to find some re-wording in the future. [Again, this is a suggestion...Grammar and usage of grammar is not being held accountable in this contest.]
I do love the metaphor in the line:
the world is her masterpeice, and she is the painter.
Here I see the appreciation for her moves as she creates the image she wants to bring.
Many people don't realize the power in dance, and how dance does paint a picture.
I do feel the passion you've painted within this write. You've done a great job and I thoroughly enjoyed reading your work.
Thanks for entering the contest "Passion," best of luck to you!
Florida Sunshine
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ohhhh h ilike this one =)
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Great piece, good luck
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Hi there ~
*her* = 14 times
*she* = 17 times
Try not to use pronouns as your direct Focus in your writes ~
:)
A balance between *Show & Tell* is another area you might want to look at ~
You did forget to place your Them into your AN, so I am guessing at your message ~
This is not a bad entry, but as I have mentioned, the usage of *her & she* so many times gave me no interpretation of anything else, except, this is about a female dancing to the rythm of life ~
I would suggest bringing more thought into this write and staying away from *telling* us everything, and allowing your Reader to indulge their own interpretation of your poetic voice ~
Nice job, and welcome to the PO' contests!
Be well and God bless,
Bear ~
Title 9.15
Flow 9.55
Depth 9.8
Theme 9.4
Feelings 9.15
Grammar 9.6
Presentation 10
Uncommonness 10
Sit & Ponder Affect 8.95
Ability to follow Rules 9.0
Bears Score: 94.6
Not bad!
:)
No editing once a Judge has touched your work ~
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Lovely descriptions and images in this.
Good luck in the contest.
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Great story
The rhythm and flow really work on this poem to make you feel and see the images. Excellent story - good luck in the contest
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Aloha! Before the judge comes...
Please READ the rules carefully...plain background etc.
also AN!! Best wishes in the contest! Write on...
*PEACE*
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Beautiful poem, well done!
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