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Inexactitude

What a strange day...
I saw an honesty,
Because I saw you;
For your lies.

So now I walk...
Seeing a piece of me gone.
And you;
You will forever be alone.

Sitting here...
Watching the traffic,
Float by a rain stained window;
It will be me that flourishes now.

And you will be abandoned;
Living behind your fabrications,
Of a sketchy life...
I wonder if you still miss me...

 

 

I wonder...

Wonder...

If I really still miss you too.

Please tell me what you think

    I plan to revise this poem: please leave constructive criticism!
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Comments

1 - 5 of 5
  • deepheart
    May 8, 2008

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    In that we sometimes lose a piece of ourselves when we must walk away from those whom we have shared our hearts with is an eternal truth of cosmic proportions. For we indeed invest our soul in those whom we care for and when we must part company, that which we have invested must be left in the wake. To find honesty in lies is also another beautiful truth in that only when our eyes are truly open, can we see all that is to be seen. You have a wonderful grasp on this poem and directed its flow wonderfully.


  • emma...
    May 7, 2008

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    I really like your use of words in most of it, they flow nicely into the rest of the poem. My favorite lines are "Watching the traffic, Float by a rain stain stained window." It made me feel relaxed just reading it. The last line, however, I think could use some work. The rest of the poem is so complex and the words are more unique, and the last three lines seem very simple and don't really go with the rest of the poem. Overall, I loved it! Nice job.

  • publishedpoet
    April 14, 2008

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    You have a good choice for vocabulary, such as lines 14 and 15. The first verse is awkward rhythm wise though. You do need more concrete inmages, as the other suggested. I dislike the punctuation, it would work better if it was a bit cleaner.
    The title fits this poem well. The first line explains to the reader where this piece is going.
    This is good, it just needs a bit of polishing.


  • redteacup
    March 18, 2008

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    I really like the idea you're presenting here. I think the third stanza is the best because it actually gives me a concrete image-- in the rest, I wish you would change the words into something tangible. Let me extract the feelings from that. But great start. Thank you for sharing.


  • Kali-Mus
    January 31, 2008

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    Woah, really like this.
    Especially the last line
    And the 'rain stained window'
    Very nice :]]

1 - 5 of 5