+Contrived+
The light of the sun
is confusing to me.
What have I done
to recieve this good fortune?
My whole life was winter
without the beauty of snow.
Why am I so blessed
to leap straight to summer?
Why would you look at me?
Much less stick around
once you realized what I was like.
You should have run away by now.
If you don't want to, though,
I'll allow you to stay.
It's not an affliction to me.
I like the warmth.
I'll soak it up.
Your summer smiles and winter eyes
are the perfect contradiction.
So go ahead,
be my sun.
If I'm lucky enough,
maybe I'll get burned.
+Spontaneous+
The burning of the sun is
a wave of confusion to me.
What have I done
to recieve this good fortune?
My whole life was winter
without the joy of snow.
Why am I so blessed
to skip ahead to summer?
Why would you even look at me?
Much less stick around
once you realized what I was like.
You should be running scared by now.
If you don't want to,
however,
I'll allow you to stay.
It's not a bad thing for me.
I like the warmth.
I'll soak it up.
Your summer smiles
and winter eyes
are the perfect contradiction.
So go ahead,
be my sun.
If I'm lucky enough,
maybe,
I'll get burned.
Author notes
It's late, but I work best under pressure. =]
A contest entry
- Spontaneous vs. Contrived Combust by ErrantHeart.
600 points, ended February 13, 2008, 11 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
-
I like this part in your spontaneous version...
"Your summer smiles
and winter eyes
are the perfect contradiction.
So go ahead,
be my sun.
If I'm lucky enough,
maybe,
I'll get burned."
With a bit of a tinker this, in and of itself, could say it all and more. Short, punchy, cute and concise.
I think in this case, in your poem, less is definitely more. You say a lot to get down to the nitty gritty, when the nitty gritty might just be enough.
Though I'm not sure you really want to get "burned", more of a hot, sweaty, sunsational sizzle...eh?
Thanks for your contribution to this contest. I very much enjoyed it. A really strong ending.
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