During the fourth shower
Of night
when our stars have fallen
white--
when we have used all our words.
When we are black & red,
twisted like the sheets
of the damp bed.
(Knowing every
little thing.)
Just
Us
A part apart,
was it a beginning
or
our empire falling
departing through the shadows
of the dark.
Author notes
Written November 16th, 2003
In a list
What did you think
Comments
1 - 36 of 36
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this is definitely a thought provoking write
casual sex that could lead to more...hmm?
nicely done
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great
hey this is a great write very well wrtitten i like the flow and pattern that you have it as its great
A part apart,
was it a beginning
or
our empire falling
departing through the shadows
of the dark.
i really like them few lines there they are really well written great job and keep it up
+wellsy+
+purity+ -
ahhh thought this was a new desi piece..
still a good un' though..
still makes me smile
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So very pretty this one .. really.
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just in case you thought i wasn't paying attention saw it in promo this morning...figured i better pop by and pay my condolences...lol
UB
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Oh yes. Tangled sheets and stars ..and falling empires. BUT NO LISA!!! Hrmpf.
Desi wants all proceeds from promotion of this piece to assist in her bail fund.
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I like the way you set this out it has an amazing impact on the reader and really reinforces the message of the poem. I liked the rhyme scheme and how you started this poem off you use some amazing imagery and contrast of words. This was a really interesting poem.
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This was wonderful and you leave the reader wondering exactly what you mean. I guess it is up to the readers interrpitation. This was written very well and I enjoyed it. Great job and thank you for sharing it.
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oohh now how the hell did i miss this one all that time ago..
she is all that and more
the twisted sheets got me.. yupp
nicely done Lute.. liked it alot -
smart write - well crafted great use of imagery - like this one
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Wow. I cam, I saw and I loved. its difficult for me to read a poem and not find any negative, but I was so blown away by the quiet musky atmosphere you painted here that this was impossible to pick apart.
My favourite lines were 'when our stars have fallen / white' and 'was it a beginning / or / our empire falling'.... lines which I'd written myself.
~Faded
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hmmm if this is supposed to be sensual, im not really seeing it that much. too much hidden meanings in your lines. i do love the first four lines, that is like the highlight of this poem to me. i just see it as maybe your 4th time with this person and you are describing it as meteor showers which is pretty hot and romantic. and im sorry to say but all of the lines after that is just kinda bla to me. i just love dwelling on the first 4 lines... anyways im rambling on.
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Warmly Sensual!
What a deliciously sensual yet delicate writeThe use of colours is magnificent and the imagery erotic but strangely romantic too!A lovely and unusual style! -
Showers .. I recently wrote of bathing in meteor showers .. can you imagine? They look so light and rainy
.. such precision in the sky when you think about it most of the time .. all the ancients using it to align things, calendars, navigational .. but also deception as well..
pretty. -
Enjoyed the different style of this write, the first two lines I kept wanting to rapt the drum right before the last word. It brought a vivid picture to mind of two lovers, though not the usual sense of love making that they were sharing that night, more of an exploration and testing the limits. I thought this was a well laid out piece, a little elusive but strong with emotion. Thanx for sharing.
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Came in your back door so as not to munch your points
One of my favorite Lute poems possibly because of the great title but it's also beautiful pome. Hey how 'bout a Desi 2? lol.
Desiree
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You show us your ability to craft words with this, Lute. It looks like a poem, sounds like a poem, and, best of all, is a good one.
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This is hot,
yet cool.
Nice piece.
Damn I'm going green now.
Jules. -
I really enjoyed this poem, wonderfully written! ~Smiles~
It's always nice to read you, sorry I've been away so long,
I really need to make more time to enjoy your talent, for you have it!
Read ya later!
-Timothy -
Hmm.. this was really sweet. Definately worth reading. It's a different style than I am used to, if I may add, but ingenious nonetheless. Thank you for the exposure of such a beautiful poem. Great write,
*CarolyN**RaveN* -
Very beautiful, and an intense workout for the brain
Take care,
Karen
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this poem was a great one to make you think...good work on trying something differnt from most of the writes I read. Good job!
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this was an interesting poem to read..i like the way it was set up and it was a great write..good luck with future writes and keep up the good work
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Claire tells me this poem is a tribute of a faintly sexual nature to an erstwhile member of Temperance. Not knowing of such matters,
I suppose I should assume by Desiree you refer to the delicious variety of Potato. (I say Tomato).
Edited on Nov 19, 7:46 p.m. because 'Forgot to say: also liked poem'. -
Well done
I hate to admit it, but much of your metaphor - beautiful as the words were - was lost on me. But, I enjoyed this immensely nonetheless...in fact, the mystery may have enhanced my pleasure...as it so often does. You employ words the way a painter weilds color...and, though I may not recognize the picture you've painted, I can tell passion and its "afterglow" longing just from the brush-strokes and pigment. Very well done...if you'll except praise from an ignorant old woman. Thanks so much for sharing this. -
Awwww Lutie your passion overwhelms me. Yes I remember like it was yesterday....twisted like the sheets of the damp bed or were we twisted in the sheets of the damp bed? Maybe both. lol. Just kiddin' ya. But this is lovely Lute. You really have a way with words and I think dark is spelled Darkk.
Desiree
and 
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Colours, space, rhyme. Quite a few comments. I'm with them. 'A part apart'. Yes. The fourth shower seemed just to suggest the passing of time. I'm not sure if there's anything more symbolic.
Either way, an excellent poem.
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Stunning! Filled with such passion. Sometimes I think that emotions this intense can't be maintained forever, but we remember their light, long after the star has fallen.
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Strong write - seems to have such a depth of sadness to it...perhaps it's just me...thought the ending was superb....
~ sonia ~ -
Lucious, luxurious, lovely. Lute, my lad, you do it again, pick uo words in your mind and lay them down for us mere mortals to wonder at, as they shine in your phrasing.
Can't do flowers - someone Pleeeease tell me how!
so,
kiss instead!
X -
very good
Well done Sir,
This was a very good read. Almost every stanza? could be taken in a number of directions which gives me so much flexabiltiy into what I want the poem to do to me.
Loved the last 2 bits:
was it a beginning
or
our empire falling
departing through the shadows
of the dark.
Are we becoming more of submitting to another. And then the slipping away.
Most enjoyable.
John -
YUP! Lute still a DOM!!! Love that about you. So do you supposed to be the color black or red? Just wondering, not that it's all that terribly important or anything, I mean, it just seemed like the thing to ask. Like that "a part apart". Many different parts to think of. Otay, flowers.
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hmmmm. hum. i can't walk away from this completely convinced of something or other. it seems kind of ambiguous--almost. i DID like the way your words fell, but I have no idea what significance the 4th shower of night carries and that just BUGS ME!!! I feel like I've missed something important because I can't extract what that alludes to. Bah. Cursed be my small dimensions!
I liked the sound and the pace of this one. -
Damn~ ~The sheets on the damp bed
~Now the visuals alone could make anyone moan~Great write Lute~Keep them coming~Look forward to more ~Come visit me sometime ~Big hugs and much love~Desire
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Depending on which way you look at it, it could be moving toward the end: no matter if they want it or not, one will leave and they know it's coming.. or, moving toward a better, more fulfilling place.
As MollysWall said - beautiful
I loved "a part apart" clever play on words
~Scarlet -
Mmmm this is beautiful. I always love the way you tease your readers with your choice of words. I have admired your work for a long time now. As always... looking forward to more.
~M~
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