Silent Screams run through my heart,
life force stolen by the touch of a friend,
now lost to the depths of worldly pleasures.
His tender touch tears through my soft skin,
ripping at this home of the damned and the nameless
A bright sheen reflects off his smiling face,
eerie light above us reflecting,
from the glass stare of his empty eyes.
The shine blinds me from the darkness surrounding.
But I do not need my sight.
It only sees the torment of a world forsaken,
by those in charge, by each other, by themselves.
My pain is the colour of death as death slowly approaches.
My lover and I
Yeah... comment lol
Comments
1 - 5 of 5
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I still say this is a good write, but I also still think it could use a little more work.
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i assume thats in referance to the lesson. I do hope you aren't marking on personal preferance. what exactly needs work, ive used everything covered in the lessons, this is the third time you're asking me to redo, what am I missing.
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I apologize. I had to re-read this again. This is a good write. What I was judging on, I admit was mostly personal preference, and it was wrong to judge on that. I was looking for a few more lines, for you to go into a little more depth with it, but, as I admit, its a personal preference thing. It is a good write, nicely written, and well worded. I will re-grade as soon as I can. Thank you.
~M~ -
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See, for me the vagueness adds something to it, just like you were saying in one of the lessons... I think it was 6. It adds mystery, and an eerie feeling. To pull that off well, for me personally, I need to keep it short, going into too much detail and going on too long, takes away from it. As far as the poem itself, the words used, the structure, the themes, all that, is it good?
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it is pretty good, and I do like it. See, you can still maintain an air of mystery and suspence in a longer write, I have done it a good many times. Check out my poem "The Light" for what Im talking about. What I mean by this being a little short, is that when it is read, it is no sooner gotten your interest, then its over. Other than that, a good write.
~M~
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