When past pours out a torrent of suffering
nested in corners of every memory
of weakened heart, devoid of wishes,
sinister companion of my desperation...
When gift spreads the bitter putrescence
of vain friendship, zealous to betray me,
soul hurt, exhausted being subjected
in implacable dirk of hellish silence...
When frozen shroud covers future
stifle skyline begins blackening
under unhealthy fires of an unprotected sun...
My notified mind secretly die
to put an end to huge distress,
digs my tomb as night goes ahead.
Author notes
“I accept that DP Robertson can be a complete prick when it comes to commenting on something he obviously doesn’t like – I have waived my right to complain to moderators and owner of this site about his help wrapped in thistles type comments on my beloved poetry. Although I believe DP Robertson may have a bitter and twisted side to his nature, he has the right to criticise my doggerel anyway he sees fit with whatever words he chooses.”
A contest entry
- ANYTHING YOUR LITTLE HEART WISHES TO FOB OFF AS POETRY. by dp robertson.
700 points, ended February 11, 2008, 23 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
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“I accept that DP Robertson can be a complete prick when it comes to commenting on something he obviously doesn’t like – I have waived my right to complain to moderators and owner of this site about his help wrapped in thistles type comments on my beloved poetry. Although I believe DP Robertson may have a bitter and twisted side to his nature, he has the right to criticise my doggerel anyway he sees fit with whatever words he chooses.”
Ever read a Nostradamus quatrain as there is a striking similarity in the two styles which often involves a great deal of literary bollocks and fluffing around in staccato sounding lines. That said there are some good, if a little melodramatic, lines in this. Atleast you have made some effort to colour your words. Did I enjoy it? Well no, not really. A book of this would send me mad trying to pluck out a line here and line there that is actually worth something. Because this holds not just a style but all the emotional appeal of a Nostradamus quatrain and for the subject matter it needs to have a far greater emotional pull on the reader than that. One way to achieve that is to run through this phonetically so it’s language can match an eloquence that is missing. Also a use of similes just may make it more readable although in this case I doubt even that would help much because lines like
My notified mind secretly die
My notified mind secretly die? Hello, anybody home? There is a difference between writing with a broader vocabulary and writing well; at this point you are merely doing the former. You need to take those words and create the latter. Whilst aiming for captivating you have managed instead pretentious.
David
Write naturally
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wow - you are busy today lol The imagery in this piece is excellent - best of luck
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