The distances of you and me,
cannot be put to poetry,
and that is why, my pen and I -
decided that for just a while,
we dormant and forgotten lie,
and not the faintest smirk or smile -
be shown to hide our tragedies .
Because no matter how I'd say
no matter how the words elude,
who'd understand and who'd conclude -
the missing roads or dying days ?
The obstacles of you and I -
decided that for just a while,
we latent and forgotten lie,
to hide the pain beneath the smile.
And if we could to history -
deliver thoughts, it all would be -
reminders of how close we came,
before we knew we're not the same.
Author notes
Critique welcomed.
Comments
1 - 7 of 7
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Tragicly sweet
This poem does no less than strum the heart strings with every line. It is very well formed, the writing structure is mature and developed, the rhyme flows well... Technically it is a masterpiece. But my first comment reflects on the level of feeling behind the words. I love the first two lines, though they all have power. Bravo and well done Raven. ~SIK
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Oh thank you
I do appreciate your comments with all my heart.
And yes at times I could sense a fade of raw emotions, I do believe it's in favor for the structuring and the form.
I haven't yet mastered both ways of poetry, unless it's a lucky stroke
Thank you again.
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Critique?...hmmm...only one small thing: Lines 5 and 14..after the word 'we' place a comma to give a sense of the obvious missing words...Otherwise one of your very best. Edges all bristly and yet vulnerable...Love it. Glad to read your work again, RamiSon...Missed you much. Peace, RhondaMom
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woah
long time no (chat) !!
Glad to see your comment, always a pleasure.
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beautiful
I love the concept behind this writing its so interesting the questioning within the imagery really showing the sense of loss. i't reminded me of losing someone although i see it is about being seperated and distanced
i love the conversational value making it personal to the reader
amazing
x
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Aw, bittersweet finish but soooo pretty.
I was a little confused by the phrasing in this line and what you meant, "we latent and forgotten lie." Perhaps "we" isn't the right word?
Nonetheless, it didn't take away from the rest of the poem and I understood it perfectly. I had almost forgotten how much I miss reading your poetry!
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lol
Now I am very flattered.
and oh, about that line it's just my bad habit of using pun in words, let me rephrase
(we latent and forgotten lie) =
we lie latent and forgotten ..
Just and old trick I never wanna give up.
I am delighted to see that you liked the finish the most, after all it is the best part in the poem, and is the main message from the whole thing.
It's like every quatrain gives way to this final piece ... more like ( crowning ) it as the final but the main scene.
I missed you too Ida, but I'll be on whenever I can.
Medicine can really suck at times.
lol
Be well.
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