With a flutter of the lashes && a sickening cough...
She parted ways with destiny that night.
The eternal realm couldn't be quite far...
As silence mourned her demise.
Gone forever in all that she was...
Danger is of no greater concern.
Author notes
I like this piece...took quite some time to complete...
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 20 of 20
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Well...I like it...I like a lot of poems actually. It's just so short, and feels like it gets to the point in it's emotional concept <3
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I hope you don't mind constructive criticism - I think the first line has more potential. Maybe something like: With the fluttering of her lashes and a sickening cough...
With a flutter of the lashes && a sickening cough...
She parted ways with destiny that night.
Not too much of a change - but I think you could make the words flow a little nicer.
Otherwise - great poem! I admire your ability to take the reader right where your poem takes place
Great job - keep up the good work!
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very well done. i love the overlay of darkness in this one. it has an eerie feel to it, but in a good way.
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Good job! I love the choice of words. my favorite part was
"The eternal realm couldn't be quite far...
As silence mourned her demise."
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It comes off very final but with a sense of comfort. A world of things to look forward to other than pain.
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"With a flutter of the lashes..."
You do have a way with words! I really like this... very strong and compelling work!
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Beautiful
Dark and beautiful a wonderfully written piece an absolute pleasure to read.
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A very powerful piece about a very powerful topic. I really like the 'minimal' style you used - you didn't clutter up the write with superfluities, you condensed your feelings into an emotional block.
And it is awesome.
Tiger
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This was really good.
The first line had me hooked.
:] I love this
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As terrible as a comment as this is... I really would have to agree with the comment before mine. You do write so much with so little. This is a gift! This poem was very well done. I have only joined this site a few minutes ago, and already I am impressed with what I have been seeing.
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I love the way that you write so little, and yet you can make such a statement in your poetry with your words that it makes up for it. This is really effective, well done!
I look forward to reading more =)
xx
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This is pretty good, possibly a quick re-read is needed for a few parts, just to help the flow a little..."couldn't be quite far" didnt really sound right, maybe try reading lines out loud to check how they go. The last line, while good, didn't sound like an ending, "as Silence mourned her demise" sounds so much mroe final, so maybe consider switching those two verses. take care xxx
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turbulent. i really liked "as silence mourned her demise". an eloquent write
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Short but Sweet.
Gorgeous and Dark
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It said alot without saying much at all. I liked it.
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Cool & amazing.
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wonderfull
Very artistic & is very alluring to the mind........great work. -
Nice Write...
One thing i really like about this is how many different meanings it could have, personally I really relate to it meaning try to part from pain, but that's just me i guess
The last couplet confused me - i'm not that clever, but in a good way. Really felt the emotion coming through here, the loniness was clear.
Thanks for sharing, hope for more soon
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Very Nice Work
I have to say and this comes from the heart that I know how this feeling is like. When destiny hits you head on and well someone just turns their back on you and doesn't seme to give a da*n it makes it hard to embrace what destiny has in store for you. any ways with that being said this is a mighty powerful well penned poem and I like it. you wrote such few words but created a brilliant poem. Very nice job and keep up the good work 
WhiteTiger
P.S. notcing your age I musta missed your Birthday :'( so Happy Belated Birthday Beautiful
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