Not a minute passes
or a heart beat skipped
is spent without you
My day lingers
through endless dreams
in thought of you
I find solace
in moments shared
alone to be
In your arms
for but one night
to feel your'e promise
Of what's to come
so that I
can make you beautiful
A contest entry
- Exercise your Want by ErrantHeart.
900 points, ended April 15, 2008, 15 entries
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read poem Magic Garden
Comments
1 - 5 of 5
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Very very good. I love the lines with solace in it. I do have some suggetsions on how to improve on this poem though. One is the grammer, you could add some periods or even commas to create balance in between stanzas. The other is in the first stanza
"Not a minute passes
or a heart beat skipped
is spent without you"
I would change the last line into something that ties the three lines together, like "that is spent without you" Because without "that" it is jumping from the second line to the third. I hope this helps, thanks for entering in my contest. -
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Most appreciated
I may be wrong but personaly I think periods are not meant for poetry but each line tells it's own story.I really don't need a period to tell me a line has ended.But what do I know.I'm just a bluecollarguy who writes from the heart.
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you can hear it singing.Just don't get mesmerized and forget to pick your head up.
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Thanks for entering.
Just a couple things I noticed here.
The first verse does not quite read right. If you put it in sentence structure and read it that way, you will see what I mean...thus...
"Not a minute passes or a heart beat skipped is spent without you."
As a suggestion, and suggestion only, to show what I mean, I think it would read better as something like
Not a minute
or a heart beat skipped
is spent without you
Also, perhaps, in your second verse, it would read more appropriate as "thoughts"? In thoughts of you.
In the fourth verse it should be your promise.
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I might agree with thoughts over thought but I don't believe a minute is skipped but not one passes without her on my mind.Only a thought but TY so much for reading and your input.
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