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Sleepy Life

I wake up and honor the sunshine
I open up and swallow my pride

She no longer notices my face and its lines
She no longer sleeps soundly by my side

I wake up and swallow her scent
I open my eyes and begin to cry

She gets up too early and goes to repent
She gets up and never opens her eyes

I wake up unhappy
She wakes up blind

Author notes

Option #1: the morning

A contest entry

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Comments

1 - 5 of 5

  • Great Cthulhu
    March 15, 2008

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    beautifully dark...

    What a perfectly odd verse you have crafted here. I enjoyed this on many levels. It has a wonderful flowing rhythm to it and you've used some nice alliteration. This is my favorite stanza:
    "I wake up and swallow her scent
    I open my eyes and begin to cry"
    So sad. Incredible write, keep your pen to the page. Thanks for entering!

    • CellarDoorEssentials
      March 19, 2008
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      Thank you very much for allowing me to enter and giving a very honest comment. I am glad you liked it in its form- also, did you like the ending?.. a lot of readers are unsure of its necessity in the poem. I'd very much like your opinion. -best of luck


  • micol
    January 30, 2008

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    The poem does a solid job in defining two intertwined but increasingly separate lives--two people who, once joined by love--live further and further apart from each other's inner self. The repeated sentence structure, coupled with the alternating pronouns in the opening stanzas, create an interesting pattern, forward and backward, resolved in the two terse final lines. The title becomes highly ironic as the poem progresses--there is little good about this life, but it is easier just to let problems sleep.

    Very well done indeed.

    • CellarDoorEssentials
      March 8, 2008
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      Thank you so much for your comment. I am very happy that you read into my poem and could relate. The tension of an ever-separating life is predominant in this poem and the series of married life poems that this belongs to. I am currently trying to organize these into a timeline of sorts. From the early happiness to the breaking down and dumbing down of love. Thank you again for your feedback. It is greatly appreciated.


  • Scion
    January 30, 2008

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    Powerful. I like the story you weave here and its relevance to life. You obviously chose the ache of morning. I think the last two lines really summarize the poem perfectly and they truly moved me. I detected a faint rhyme scheme, but wasn't sure. Maybe take more time on the rhyming and try not to force it. Also, you chose an interesting background. This is very unique, you really worked with the theme, and put a lot of creativity into this. The only thing that didn't fit was the title... maybe I just didn't get it. Anyways, good luck and cheers.

1 - 5 of 5