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You

Laying, hiding, keeping silent,
myself alone knows my woes.
No friends, no one knows,
alone in silence,
then you came.
You took all the dread away,
now I live with more bliss.

More to look forward to,

I have a little more light,

in my tunnel of desperate needs.

No more laying,

no more hiding,

no more silence,

because you came.

Author notes

for Rei
and for contest
I accept that DP Robertson can be a complete prick when it comes to commenting on something he obviously doesn’t like – I have waived my right to complain to moderators and owner of this site about his help wrapped in thistles type comments on my beloved poetry. Although I believe DP Robertson may have a bitter and twisted side to his nature, he has the right to criticise my doggerel anyway he sees fit with whatever words he chooses

A contest entry

Tell me what you think:

    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    • Line numbers  • Invite them to read
    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have (?)

Comments

1 - 7 of 7

  • dp robertson
    February 11, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    “I accept that DP Robertson can be a complete prick when it comes to commenting on something he obviously doesn’t like – I have waived my right to complain to moderators and owner of this site about his help wrapped in thistles type comments on my beloved poetry. Although I believe DP Robertson may have a bitter and twisted side to his nature, he has the right to criticise my doggerel anyway he sees fit with whatever words he chooses.”

    I love this line -

    I have a little more light in my tunnel of desperate needs

    Can’t tell you how that lifts my spirits.
    On one hand this is understandable and heartfelt yet the writing is so basic and lacking any kind of real ability to get the reader involved that it ultimately fails as a piece of writing that really connects. Lines like

    You took all the dread away now I live with more bliss

    I again understand what you are attempting to say but it is very clumsy writing. You need to try and connect with the reader more and rather than reporting your emotions, paint pictures of them. Leave the reader some room to imagine. By simply stating facts with so little expression is like getting a report. You did this, I did that, I felt good, I feel like shit now… if you write in such a blunt matter of fact manner there is no where for the reader to emote. They empathise but they cannot imagine and therefore have trouble to feel. It is not good enough for you to just express your feelings, the magic lies in the reader being able to hook into the piece and express their feelings through your words. Because it is such a fucking drab reporting style it is impossible to do that.
    However this line I certainly understand.

    No more silence because you came

    We all love those days!

    David

    Ps start reading some good poetry by well known published authors


  • LadyDementia gold member
    February 4, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    A great piece. Well penned


  • creationsfromheart
    February 2, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    this has hope

    yet, like cara has already said, it does need some work. Please feel free to work with this write and resubmit. Good luck and I will watch for the changes and the growth of this becoming a publishable write


  • Xx Luna xX
    February 2, 2008
    Edit | Reply

    Well done!

    Poetry from the heart. well done!


  • RedwingSpirit silver member
    January 31, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Thanks for entering this here I can tell you now that she will not accept this one. Sorry
    Reasons:
    1. No punctuation
    2. All first lines are capitalized and this isn't in the sonnet form So you need to fix that.

    Other than that it's ok. Lets see what Creations has to say. If she doesn't like it don't get discouraged please feel free to edit or enter another. We would like for you to have a published piece that you would be proud of. Good luck Dear. Sorry about this message, I normal wouldn't do so, but It is posted in this group.



  • poeticweaver gold member
    January 29, 2008
    Edit | Reply

    Precious!

    Thanks for sharing, nice to know you're smiling!


  • playin with scissor
    January 29, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    thts beautiful i lov it

1 - 7 of 7