Reflections dazzle
evasive eyes,
revealing
broken motives.
Shattered convictions,
stripped bare.
Hidden hypocrisy
unveiled,
you release
my
hand.
A contest entry
- Say alot in a little by Jfd.
500 points, ended January 30, 2008, 28 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - ~ SET the BAR ~ Anything Goes~ Possible of 5750 points handed out! by Florida Sunshine.
950 points, ended February 24, 2008, 182 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - The Cheaters Club by alaskanamber.
450 points, ended February 14, 2008, 24 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Pimp up my prewrites by leander.
650 points, ended February 21, 2008, 108 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - You deserved much better!!!!! by Great Cthulhu.
1450 points, ended March 16, 2008, 41 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
This is my first try at whatever this style is called. Is it simply tragic? What do you think? Please, advice is WELCOME!
Comments
1 - 12 of 12
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This is good
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Concise and powerful!
Your alliteration is wonderfully used, and carried throughout the majority of your write, well done. I love the imagery - "Reflections dazzle
evasive eyes,
revealing
broken motives." -perfect example and my favorite stanza. You have created a phenomenal vision, thanks for entering!
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I really like the alliteration you have used in this one
That's a nice touch of detail actually.
I see this as a powerful rant, a complaint against cheaters and all what can be grabbed inside the definition of that word
Thank you for this entry as well!
Leander -
This poem is interesting and clear to me that eventually we all see what lies beneath. A great deal spoken in so few words. Enjoyed this poem. Julie.
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"hidden hyprocrisy unveiled" those three words alone speak volumes about cheaters and players. I think in their own worlds they have a certain level of personal denial. Thankyou for entering and good luck.
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I think its a free verse write ~ it appears that way ~ to me ~ it's not tragic ~ but indepth ~ meaning ~ As much as some of us try to put on show ~ dazzling those from knowing the truth ~ this person is able to see through ~ clear down to our soul ~ soon enough they know everything ~ our pain ~ our secrets we hide from the world ~ The last stanza ~ Tells the read ~ this is all I am ~ and what I'll be ~ Advice ~ None ~ In my humble opinion ~ its excellent ~ start to finish ~ its perfect ~ leaving the reader their own perspective of what they want it to mean.
Nice job ~ I liked it ~
Thanks for entering the "Set the bar" contest ~ I really appreciate you sharing your work with me ~ best of luck to you! -
I like this a lot, I really don't feel like the structure takes away from the piece at all. I like the final lines when you give each word its own line, it slows the reader down and gives a good sense of the slow good bye at the end of a relationship.
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What style are you trying to write. Freeverse? I loved the bulk of what you had to say, but found that the very first line made no sense.Some very strong lines: like: HIdden hypocrisy unveiled" followed by weak line "you release my hand." I would try to find a great metaphor for EXACTLY what you are saying, like you did in my contest! Your poem was exceptional! If I knew exactly what you are trying to convey, I could work with you on this, if you would like!
Shana
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It's simple, but I'm not sure what you are attempting to convey...love lost? I think you should stick with your regular style...you rock that!
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I'm not real big on the this style or that. I enjoyed the write. Someone got caught at the game and paid the price. Regrets?
nice
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interesting write, I'm not sure how I feel about the unconventional structure of your poem, it may be more of a hindrance than a help....your words spoke strongly and I think they can stand on their own....thank you for taking the time to enter!
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simple and the flow did well in a unique way ^^
well done, you did say a lot in few words =]
good luck to you in the contest
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