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Universal Optimism

Stars blister the sleepy sky
repeatedly, appearing like embroidery 
against a navy silk curtain.
Fireballs decay, but are showcased brilliantly
in their prime.

Star light, star bright

Naivety,

the core of an atomic universe,
origin of optimism. That constant burn
prickling beneath the skin,
a positive charge radiating within our souls...
Opportunity

behind fluttering lids
the world is opaque, empty.
Cut through the clouds, a small piece of the picture
blinks back.




Make a wish.


Author notes

Ah.Sosha.

We never see all of the night sky when we look up and something inside us always seems to be missing, we always want more, more, more... but we feel like we can get it from wishing on these giant balls of fire that are so far away.

would love suggestions

Sorry for the lateness.... but I made things better in my personal life.

Prompt Given: I've developed the dreamer's disease.

Prompt Received: Two broken puzzle pieces.

--------------------------------------------

Okay, I've edited it some... but I'm not sure if I like it better or worse... might change it back... would LOVE to know what anyone thinks.

A contest entry

Please tell me what you think

    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    • Line numbers  • Invite them to read
    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have (?)

Comments

1 - 9 of 9

  • Naridill
    February 2, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    I liked most of the phrasing. The end was corny, in my opinion, very dull and just took a little initial reaction from the piece as a whole. But the word choice and improvement is seen. Well done.
    Much luck,


  • Exodus gold member
    February 2, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Personally this was a little bit story book ish for me. You told the reader what was going on instead of letting them see for themselves.
    That's not to say I didn't think this was amazing. You title starts things off with a bang and it doesn't let go from there.
    I thought you carried your theme well, you didn't go off into tangents and the ending was lovely.
    Thank you, good luck


  • Tangled Angle
    February 1, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    9.5

    I really like how simplistic the general idea is, but then the detail really is complex. Chemistry fascinates me, so this poem, I easily got into. I'm not scoring subjectively, but rather objectively; and I think your message was conveyed well. You stayed focus and it developed pretty good. I like the ending; it emphasizes the "child wonder" and naive vibe this gives off.

    It's okay that you entered late, I understand how you feel. Now that things are better in your life, I hope it stays that way, not only because you will be happy, which is most important, but also because that means you'll enter on time.

    I thought you did a good job. Nice.


  • Dragomiloff
    January 31, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    hmmmm. 'Fireballs decay, but are showcased brilliantly
    in their prime.' this seems a little long, compared to the rest of the lines.
    'Star light, star bright: naivety, ' I'm not sure I like it quite that clear, maybe you could mix it in with the rest a little more subtly (if that's how you spell that...)
    overall, it's still brilliant, perhaps even better for the editing.


  • Abby In Chains. silver member
    January 29, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    i love the last line, it really wraps up the piece..

    Abby


  • Dragomiloff
    January 28, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    whoa...
    I can't believe it. you completely just placed me behind my curtains, staring out at a crisp sky. I couldn't write anything about those stars, because they were so far away, but not only have you written about them, you...wrote them down on the page. this is awesome.

1 - 9 of 9