back-to-back failures
mumbled mouth-to-mouth -
given no more breath
than enough
to live upon
time compresses
what and if
to a slender zigzag
temptation tugs
at fractured circles,
a rose-tinted world
of panoramic pulse
seen through curtain cracks
of blood-stained glass
whispers of now
or not at all
grow to drumbeats
vowed walls cave
as color me gone
leaves
without a sound
whatcha think of this? critique welcome
Comments
1 - 17 of 17
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I like it
Great vocabulary, and imagery. I also love the vowed walls term. It's an awesome touch! And, I think, I totally understand your way of thinking on this particular write.
SWEET!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
POETDONTKNOWIT
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the first stanza packs a punch and gave me the feeling of entrapment, disappointment. 'fractured circles' and 'vowed walls' give me the impression of marriage... maybe a marriage in trouble.
'color me gone' is the best though
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Excellent wordplay beckons the reader for a re-read, keeps the pace flowing and the intellect stimulated. Soft, also, not overbearing, good title.
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very elegant poem within its own rhythms....
my favourite lines:
as color me gone
leaves
without a sound
thank you.. -
this was definatly the most stylised poem in this contest, you had a really unique way of perverting language back upon itself, especially in the lines
time compresses
what and if
to a slender zigzag
this was modern language. -
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thank you
i always appreciate your comments
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It somehow made me feel death...."colour me gone".Hollowness, empty, alone. I very much enjoyed the style and would like to read more.Bravo
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Liked the alliteration in these lines, the flow and the visuals one gets when reading these lines. Interesting title as well. Interesting poem prompt - liked your interpretation of that prompt.
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Liked the alliteration in these lines, the flow and the visuals one gets when reading these lines. Interesting title as well. Interesting poem prompt - liked your interpretation of that prompt.
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Liked the alliteration in these lines, the flow and the visuals one gets when reading these lines. Interesting title as well. Interesting poem prompt - liked your interpretation of that prompt.
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This is a very interesting poem. I like the series of images that care shown and carefully painted. It is short and terse, which adds to its impact. It takes great skill to achieve that, I believe. Wonderful work!
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I thought it was rich with wandering
imagery for us to read many things into....I liked the
tender metaphors you chose for your poem. You described
the anguish of back to back failures, the agony of
a temporal defeat...i liked that last lines..color me
gone...
leaves
without a sound!
well done poet, well done!
ears2hearyou
Kathleen/Seattle.
a rich dark poet escapes in your writes!
fearless too! -
This was my favorite part:
"temptation tugs
at fractured circles,
a rose-tinted world
of panoramic pulse
seen through curtain cracks
of blood-stained glass"
I actually got two different meanings out of this, because I read it twice. Good job. -
"as color me gone
leaves
without a sound"
Oh my those words are delicious!
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thank you
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temptation tugs
at fractured circles,
a rose-tinted world
of panoramic pulse
seen through curtain cracks
of blood-stained glass
this is so powerful, elegantly put...these words tickled my creative synapses...enchanting verse -
Great job. I really like the first part - "given no more than breath enough to live uon" -
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