Blank,
a still, troubled world,
the eerie grave yard for the words
never said a loud,
the ones never carved into the chalk white,
hollow caverns.
Screams painted with agony and
sprinkled with
caramelized tears dance
a ballet of
tragedy with the wind.
The passionate cries echo through the
chambers of the heavy
hearted soldiers
of the art,the defenders of the dream.
They charge through the
pained white abyss,
gleaming silver swords raised
high in hopeful triumph,
their cries blood thirsty and weaved
with determination,
longing to defeat the dreadful nothingness.
And so, they stab the beast with glory, it's
blood oozing onto the snow colored caves,
giving the word color and life and meaning.
A new dawn has emerged,
the birth of a dream.
Author notes
Okay, no title yet. Can't think of one.
This is Lostintheshadows33 trying to be more abstract and probably failing miserably lol
the prompt i gave was a quote from Tristan and Isolde "Why do we long for things if they're not meant to be ours"
and the prompt i used was There are painters who transform the sun to a yellow spot, but there are others who with the help of their art and their intelligence, transform a yellow spot into the sun.
Pablo Picasso (1881 - 1973)
i was generously given a few prompts because i was difficult and couldn't work with the first one
anway, this poem is about writing. hahahaha i bet no one will be able to see that, but the white caverns and such is the blank page, the blood from the beast is the ink ect.
A contest entry
- Teen Idol 7: Round 3 [Top 14] by Tangled Angle.
300 points, ended February 2, 2008, 12 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
let me know how you like it =]
Comments
1 - 8 of 8
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I agree mostly below, no point repeating them, but I disliked the last two lines - they had imagery and beauty but dragged down the beauty with this.
Much luck,
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I think this is a definite improvement over last round, but honestly I think you could have pushed yourself harder and done better.
The lack of title was a bit of a downpoint and there were a few lines where I thought you played it safe (e.g. "blood oozing onto the snow colored caves,").
The ending however, I thought was really wonderful.
That said, you are certainly improving
My suggestion? You need to let the write speak, don't explain it in the authors notes, it needs to explain itself.
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7.8
Not bad. You have definitely improved, and that is most important. Seriously, Caroline...I'm proud of you! I feel weird saying that, but it's true. Anyway...haha...I thought the wording was rather simple, and I think you could have 'upped' it if you know what I mean.
Try to let your poem stand on its two feet, even if you fear that no one will understand it. Sometimes ambiguity and mystery makes the poem extra special. Avoid making authors notes that reveal what you intended to do, or wanted it to mean...trust yourself.
I did like this. Still kind of wordy, but not as bad as last time, very good job.
7.8
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Thank you all for your awesome comments You made me so happy!!!
I liked this poem, but I wasn't sure if it was actually good, you know? When you think you did well and all these people we're like AINNNT WRONG hahaha
But I'm glad you all enjoyed it.
Love Always,
Caroline -
dude i like this. you didn't fail, trust me. 'caramelized tears' is a great image. it's everything abstract imagery should be.
btw I love Tristan and Isolde. 'If our two loves become one...'
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oh, title, something like "a writers war" or something like that, i don't know
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hmm, pretty good overall! there are a few spots that you need to work on though.
i don't like the word sprinkled; it just makes me think of sprinkles on a cake, and then i think of cake, and then the poem is long forgotten haha, but thats just me. i would use shaded, because it adds to the artistic aspect of the poem and it illustrates a really unique image.
i think that there are a few images that are a bit cliche, like blood thirsty. you think of a better substitute there if you want to fix it, lol.
i would fix the beginning with the whole blank idea. i know what you are trying to get across, but you are doing it too simply in my opinion. i just don't like it how the word blank is all alone, yet the aloneness visually dramafies the meaning of the word...i don't know...
good stuff:
i like how the poem progresses, its organized, clear, and the idea is original. the poem kind of sounds like a ballad of some sorts
i like the overall metaphor. it is brilliant, yet dumb people can understand what the poem is about.
i really like the prompt...i really do! i want to enter! i love writing about art and painting and stuff...
good luck!
LXF
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Oh, wow. To me, this was simply breathtaking. I didn't have to read your author notes to get this was about writing... The metaphors and symbols just sprung out from the page. Your imagery made the poem come alive.
I think "Blank" is a good title... Or maybe "Conquering the Beast".
Good luck in the contest!
~Cassie
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