Searing flames dance behind eyes
where inspiration burns like ice
become the weapon
of a broken god
The hammer falls
The anvil rings
Iron flows like poetry
molten brilliance
bending beneath the hands
of the Master Smith
The billows call
The fire sings
Immortal outcast
hideous and lame
cast down from heaven
for a crime unknown
The weapon gleams
The sparks fly
His bride fair Aphrodite
fled, in jealousy or spite
spurning him to seek
the god of war
The embers steam
The fire dies
His snare finally complete
Hephaestus grins, soon
they will know that power
lies in fires of the mind
Inspiration burns behind his eyes
where ice dances like a weapon
become the god
of a crooked flame
Author notes
I am still workin' on this, and would appreciate advice. My main concern is whether the four central stanzas should rhyme in any way. Either internally, or with each following one, ie. "Smith" and "Unknown" rhyme and "War" and "Mind" rhyme. I think this might add to the solidity of the poem, but it might hinder the idea presented. As it is I think that without a rhyme scheme in place it is too easy to fall through this poem, kinda trip on it.
Could it flow better?
Comments
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Well done Iliad, were are you my friend? This is dried ink.
-TRR
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This gives me goosebumps! I absolutely adore it. You really did it; a poem about Hephaestus. It's brilliant.
I read it outloud, and it has a perfect flow. I honestly find nothing to change about it to make it better than it already is. You chose the words so well, so eloquently; that further rhyming seems unecessary here.
I like the way the beginning stanza and the last one are similar, but reflect a transition; from,
"become the weapon
of a broken god" to,
"become the god
of a crooked flame".
The second to the last stanza is relates this change within Hephaestus;
"His snare finally complete
Hephaestus grins, soon
they will know that power
lies in fires of the mind".
That is stunning - "soon
they will know that power
lies in fires of the mind".
It was a pleasure to read this! Leave it the way it is, in my opinion. The free verse alternating with the couplets that rhyme with each other, between the free verse stanzas, is a pleasing form here to me. Excellent! -
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Honestly, you're too kind. I'm flattered! Thank you for your kind comment.
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hmmmm...i don't think you really need to rhyme. i think you would be sacrificing the poem for the sake of rhyme.
in the third line, i don't know if "becomes" is the correct inflection. i'm not sure if it should be "becoming" or just "become" but it doesn't quite ring right. (but maybe that's just me being a grammar freak)
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Nice to hear from you Willow! That was one spot I was lookin' at scratching my head as to what form the word should take. I'll experiment with it a little.
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First off, there's no reason to doubly return the favor.
Well as you know, I'm not a fan too much of this kind of style, but I was glad to see that most of your line breaks aided the poem rather than chopped it up (as I usually feel).
And I did enjoy the subject matter.
There is just one spot in the second to last stanza where I did think one of the line breaks could have been made differenly to read more naturally from line to line.
"His snare finally complete
Hephaestus grins, soon
they will know that power
lies in fires of the mind"
I would take the "soon" down to the third line. I think, as it is, it feels sort of broken.
I also didn't care for this inversion, especially since it isn't neccesary without the rhyme, "for a crime unknown." I think, "for an unknown crime" would be better.
Otherwise, unless you could add rhyme... or maybe alliteration? to resemble a crackling fire or power, it looks pretty good.
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I appreciate your comment Frodofan! I am not sure what style you are talking about that you don't like though. Free form? Myth? I'll look into your tips on editing, and I may incorporate some other literary form. If not rhyming, alliteration would be a great idea!
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Don't stress over the rhyme, mate. If you mull too long over a poem, the soul of the piece ends up sacrificed for superficial 'sparkle.'
Not to say that raw is always best, though. Everyone could use a few touch-ups here and there to add a bit of polish. But the closer you come to the original vision you saw in your mind, the better it is (for me ...that may not be true for everyone, of course).
I like it fine as it is.
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Thank you Raven Dark! I see what you mean, about editing poems and losing the intent. I'll return the favor in a bit.
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Definitely agreeing with room without doors here, that you should not sacrifice the bulk or the idea of the poem to favor rhyme, which wouldn't make it original nor appealing to you more than anyone else who reads it.
I think you should focus your main concern on how this poem not this one in particular (but every other one coming up god-willing) will look when you're finished with it, to YOU and only you.
And then you can ask people what their opinions are, and if they serve your perspective of your writing, make the editing, if not, then it's all for the good.
All I am trying to say is that this is your work, and the one person capable of noting it editable is you only.
Aside from that I found this poem to have an intact picture, somehow distorted by the details, which I couldn't understand.
Rather than that, I got the idea of someone who's describing poetry through Greek mythology, which is new and fresh, and nice.
Hope I got it right, and keep it up.
You can ask me to critique your work whenever my friend, you don't have to repay me.
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Awesome! The same goes for here if you have any special requests for a specific poem. I admit that this poem would be a bit difficult to understand without knowing the myth it came from, but I'm glad you got the basic idea. Gread advice!
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Outstanding
Sometimes it takes a while for a poem to settle and we think we need to make changes when we don't. I liked the whole concept of this poem and the imagery is very strong and poetic and I don't think you should sacrifice this to fine tune the poem. The rhyme you do use is subtle and adds to the poem, it is emphasized more because the rest is blank verse and I think you should leave it this way. I liked the way you used myth to create a theme for the poem and your choice of language. This poem shows a fine ability to shape imagery and that is your strength.
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Thanks RMD! It's true we are our own greates critics at times. Your words are kind and encouraging.
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