Fire
rages deep within-
the convoluted corners of my mind.
Screaming sirens echo
underground-
engines roar
as burning livestock bleat.
Roads release
grim, angry vapours-
which snarl
and creep 'cross silent one - way streets.
Past spewing bins
and last night's papers-
towards a baby lying sleeping in
silk sheets.
Author notes
POM! Anger, and how quickly it comes and goes. Behind these eyes.
A contest entry
- Poem of the Month - POM by Arkbear.
1000 points, ended February 3, 2008, 16 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - I want a lot of poems... by love my jose luis.
900 points, ended February 21, 2008, 125 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Pronoun Wasteland by h202.
525 points, ended March 15, 2008, 6 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Give me your best by xorandomxo.
600 points, ended March 29, 2008, 33 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - ANYTHING SHORT by Blooming Poet.
400 points, ended March 7, 2008, 105 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 48 of 48
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Apologies
Once again, I apologize for having to remove your entry from the contest as it states that all entries but be ten lines or less -
Powerful words really came pouring out onto paper in this write. Very well penned. Good word choice, its unqiue and I love that. I love this stanza: Roads release grim, angry vapours-
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this a good poem.
Thank you for entering my contest.
Good luck.
unbreakable♥ -
an awesometastic wwrite...
Although I like this poem a lot... it doesn't meet critera, but I totally understand where you thought that it was fit to be added. I'm sorry about the mix up. and I hope that you re-enter the contest... because your write is really good and I can see that you have plenty of talent.
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Hi there my Friend ~
Not sure as to why you placed a ( - ) after *within* ~
IMO it did not need it.....tore the Flow up right from the start ~
*Lying....sleeping*....those two words together are abrasive to my tongues mind ~
I felt as though your Flow is greatly defected by the staggering of your *short* lines......seems as though you were/are trying a new format out.......but IMO....does not work with such abrupt statements ~
Your metaphores are okay....but there is no Power to be found in this write at all ~
You chose the Theme of ANGER.........but failed to produce anything which convinced me you wanted to win this POM contest.....and as I have just said to Jim....I have see MUCH better from your quill.......please take this as a compliment Alex :)
Nothing more here to say,
....be well and God bless,
Bear ~
Title 9.85
Flow 7.75
Depth 7.9
Theme 8.9
Feelings 8.95
Grammar 9.1
Presentation 9.0
Uncommonness 8.75
Sit & Ponder Affect 8.25
Ability to follow Rules 10
Bears Score: 88.45
Another ouch!
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wow
what a wonderful description...excellent flow...thanx so much for sharing..hugs a bunch..
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and lol....
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lol... nice.. I like the way this plays upon the mind... as brittle as mine right now.. it stirs up many more translucent thoughts.
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Ah, yes... scary but true
Effective use of imagery, if I might say so without sounding high fallutin'.
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Very nice! I love the wording that you use and the spacing as well! keep writing good stuff like this!
love
broken -
Wow, I love this!! It is so well expressed! This is one of those poems where, try as I might, I cannot offer a single suggestion on how to make it better because it is already so good!
"convoluted corners" great alliteration there.
"roads release" "Creep cross" I love how you do that.
Excellent job, good luck in the contest! -
This is defining in all area's of emotion. Alliteration is excellent. I don't think I could say anymore than already stated.
So without further adieu...
It's time for the clappies!
Much Love & Many Blessings~
~Joy
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moving
This is a very powerful collection of words sewn together very effectively. I hope you do well in the contest.
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Hello Alex,
As acknowledged by others - indeed very vivid images, a fresh sense of spontaneity. sensory images conveyed in a forward minimalist fashion. it reads as natural as breathing.
I am a bit disappointed with the first lines:
"Fire
rages deep within-
the convoluted corners of my mind."
it sounds TOO FAMILIAR to me, a bit banal... you can do better than that: originality is not something you usually lack, my friend.
Best,
rachel
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Effective title,good usage of alliteration,effective usage of sound to rush the rage and effective imagery of the hush of the babe where the rage finally stops.
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This is extremely vivid. I can sense the feeling behind each word. I think that the way you put each stanza as couplets adds to the emotional impact. This is very creative, like a peek in someone's mind.
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Love the title first off!
I love the randomness.
It's somewhat sad as well.
The whole livestock burning thing and it's all happening while a baby sleeps.
Great peice!
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fuck yeah now thats a title lol good stuff Alex ( :
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Hah, I think you should change the title, you have like twenty eight comments. That's more than pretty much any of my two poems combined. XD
As for the poem itself, it gave me the distinct picture of Gotham City from Batman Begins. Having nothing to do with me having watched that movie last night.
Intuitive, enticing, and the format reminds me of...ah I can't remember what. But great job on this one, good luck in the contest!
Paper Crane
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Cryptic and Emotive
Very clean, tailored style of writing. Your rhythm throughout beats well. You appeal to sound, vision and rage. Question: what inspired the theme of the poem?
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*ahem* A wonderful (finished) piece..lol. Very well written with some wonderful imagery. A great theme, good luck with it
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This is a cool and wild way of looking at anger. Great job.
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I really like this, you did a great job of showing raw emotion!
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i like how you say your mind has corners,
as if it is possible to get trapped inside them, like when some people paint themselves into a corner...but youre trapped by fire.
bleat was a good word choice. instead of using onomatopoeia ....that would just make the poem seem childish.
silk sheets represent adulthood, and often sex. while babies are still pure, you have intertwined the two to make the world seem corrupt.
sorry for clicking too many times and sorry if i read too much into this poem. -
I really liked reading this, I could feel the emotions just flowing in this writing and I really like this piece a lot because I could feel it.
~Maria
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Oooh, I love this! There's a lot of emotion conveyed through the imagery there...great!
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Well penned...yet disturbing...lol
Best wishes in the contest....
the baby in silk sheets worries me...
Best wishes in the contest!
*PEACE*
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Nice descriptions of your inner rages, I wish I could explain mine so well.
This is a very strong write, I like it.
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Excellent piece. I love the 2nd to last lines the best, they really stand out to me and the closing lines are superb too. Well done
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well this was a good write, and it is a credit to you , that you are able to see these things about your slef. It take a big perso to admit these kinds of thing. Well done I hope that you will have a great day
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these monster munch are GREAT.... and so CHEAP! cant wait to get to the chipsticks... MMMM
oh, yes, your poem...
dark, yet sumptious. vitriolic, yet beautiful. poem of the week? you better believe it mister blister!
i dread to think what the burning bleating livestock is all about.
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Very Interesting
Good use of words to describe the rage and then the calm afterwards. I like this piece. Thanks for sharing! -
oops - the clappies didn't register!
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I really like your wording in this - full of great images. And I like that the 'fury' calms down when it sees the sleeping child. I think a lot of people have this kind of 'explosive' anger inside and it's nice to know that a child can calm that for you.
Well done friend!
best wishes in the contest.
(this is so much better than the 2 lines you had before..lol) -
I can relate
my son does exactly the same thing - this is very well expressed - good luck in trhe contest.
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this is an awesome use of metaphors. this poem was well constructed. it was short but really powerful.
nice job.
~r-b -
this is an awesome use of metaphors. this poem was well constructed. it was short but really powerful. nice job. ~r-b
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Your metaphors for rage are graphic and dramatic and your description of the transition to calmness as "...a baby lying sleeping in silk sheets" is perfect. An excellent poem.
Bill
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like the endding... its hard to be critical of this piece alex because its really good the flow of it works really well and there is some really intresting metaphor going on in it, one thing i did notice is the title to me it suggests a series of moods... where as the poem itself is just the trasition from anger to calm... but that said i am knit picking mate. i really like this good writing ( :
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Yes, that's what happens and your images are quite vivid. It's interesting how calm does come after the storm or, as you say, you find the baby in the silk sheets.
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good work
it seems its this way for many of us...
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I like the effects of imagery playing on the idea of mood changes. The short stanzas work well and every one carries an image in itself... 'which snarl and creep 'cross silent, one way streets' Well done
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...and yesterdays
news.
an inferno
(plays bingo),
inside unwritten
pages.
............
lol...nice one senor floor-de-board.
is this one of dose u gotta finish? or are you going to get your arse in gear you lazy sod.
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I like what you have so far....do you mean this is the start of your poem? If so, let me know so I can read it.
best wishes.
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Different, short, inspiring. Don't forget to put POM and theme in your authors notes. Good luck with it
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Hi Pink ~
Thank you for looking out for your Fellow Poet ~
Bear ~ -
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She's not a bad lass.
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Ok head everywhere, didn't realise it was unfinished....opps,
my bad. Well I had just finished reading a lot of 'in 10 words only' entry's...lol.
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