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deja vu

 

i've been here before

at the foot of this mountain

watching the cranes glide down


there were restless sounds

hissing sharp through the air

forged echoes clanging

a tireless struggle


the lake wimpled bits of sun

thin pines stood breathing by

silent ever solemn silent watch


by the shore gleamed

relentless thrusts and parries

the flash of teeth

whirling plates of armor


no words were spoken

only glances gaging glance

meditating malice and survival


hidden in the branches

robins sang responses to the song

of steel played out on steel

from one high limb a squirrel barked alarm


minutes passed

or was it hours that pushed shadows

slowly through the woods


i remember still

that long pained grunt a gasp that

echoed all the woods to hush

a long loud rolling peel of silence


sudden tears that stung the cheeks

and fell to wet blood spattered lips

a frozen smile pointed to the clouds

 

 

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Comments

1 - 7 of 7

  • Adios Muchachos gold member
    March 2

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    Dear Erin

    Just personal, but I loved the way you just dove head first with the title into the first three lines of this.
    Hope you get what I mean. A barking squirrel! Yes indeed!
    Just a great poem. I'm glad you rationed out the orthographic marks, as I will be needing them in my next poem.LOL
    Good work Erin! It doesn't get much better than this!

    John-Las Vegas, Nevada


  • sunchaser silver member
    February 8
    Edit | Reply
    Beautiful write...


  • Elfin silver member
    January 31

    Edit | Reply
    Hello Erin, although I can't always follow the meaning of your poetry,you know that I love to read it. From this piece I get the idea that you are fighting, repeatedly, an inner battle, at least that is my perception, peace versus contention.Thankyou for sharing your lovely work. Val


  • Lord Gegishov silver member
    January 31

    Edit | Reply
    I make it a habit to read poetry aloud, for I think in that condition its musical force can best be summoned. However, I have been reading all day and my voice is somewhat sore and so I read this internally. I do not know if any effects, such as your wonderful alliterations were diminished, but either way I still enjoyed this piece. I particularly liked the descriptions of nature. that captured me immediately. And as I've already mentioned, your alliteration is sublime. It really gives the poem that additional shove. I wish I was clever enough to add to this, but I am not. Thus we must let these words suffice. Great work and do keep it up. All the best.

  • yourbentangel
    January 30

    Edit | Reply
    I like this one. The contrast between serenity and malice is sublime here and well played out. The most gut clenching stanza for me in this one is eight

    i remember still

    that long pained grunt a gasp that

    echoed all the woods to hush

    a long loud rolling peel of silence
    again... I love this.. but then again, I almost always do...ALMOST!!!!!!

    . Rewarded 6

  • ecrivain01 silver member
    January 29

    Edit | Reply

    Now this is intriguing ...

    but it's also confusing. Stanzas 4, 5, and 6 seem to describe a battle of some sort, and the final 2 stanzas seem to describe the end of one, but all else here seems very pastoral and almost peaceful. It's like you've got two separate versions of one reality mixed up here, and they seem to jostle with each other, although the "wet blood spattered lips" would seem to be the deciding point in the poem, and also basically the ending as well.

    In any case, it's a good poem, although the lack of punctuation hurts it somewhat as there are places in it that call for pauses, but no punctuation to tell you to pause in reading it aloud. I read it over 5 times and each time I still stumbled over some of the lines.

    Anyway, good job in the main, which is no surprise.

    . Rewarded 8

  • Virgoan
    January 28

    Edit | Reply

    Excellent

    Sir,

    At a point, each one of us seem to have seen this deja vu moment. The reflection of things as it happen, the irony of thoughts, the passage of time and the catch of life per se. Because of that, I like this piece.

    The texture of words and crisp line delivery makes me take the piece into a more deep level. The more you read this, the broader the spectrum appears.

    A fresh piece - enough for the eyes and the soul, just enough.

    Thanks for sharing Mr. Zahhar.

    HENSLEY a.k.a Virgoan

    . Rewarded 8

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