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Treading Water

Breaking the surface,

slipping into the icy depths,

the murkiness takes hold.

I give a twirl,

watching the bubbles rise to the top.

Despite water pressure,

breath comes easily...

So this is my fate,

and I accept...

Beloved wife to the octopus,

lost in the kelp forevermore,

with a disease of the mind...

So wonderful
to be immersed in dreams.

Author notes

rockerchkpoet

I used a symbol in this poem that I hope everyone else can see without me explaning...  The octopus produces ink, and I use that ink with my dreamer's disease... Yeah.

The prompt was a line from Ah.Sosha.: "I've developed the dreamer's disease".  I hope I didn't get off track.

The prompt I gave to Raazi: "Write a poetry form called a Retourne. 5 words used must be halcyon, pirouette, saturate, effervescence, & zephyr."

Hope I've improved!!!

Picture Credit: octopus by ~Mersi on deviantart.com

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Comments

1 - 14 of 14

  • stavykm gold member
    February 3, 2008

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    Interesting Write

    Oh my this is different for me. The octopus really got to me. There is definitely imagery to your poem with vivid dreaming. Thank you for sharing with me.
    Many Blessings
    Kelle Marie
    stavykm


  • zochit2me gold member
    February 3, 2008

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    at first you think this is going to be about death as the ending snuck up on me.
    Love the poem you weaved from the picture and the use of the octopus was clever.

    Becky


  • Patched Up Ragdoll
    February 3, 2008

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    your poetry is always filled with vivid imagery and that's something not always easy to do. The dreamers disease is an interesting line ... so is beloved wife to the octopus; though I don't get it


  • grannyeri gold member
    February 2, 2008

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    Liked the picture, and presentation of this font. Presentation works well here. Good metaphor used throughout.


  • Naridill
    February 2, 2008

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    I dislike the cliche word choice. Apart from the direction you took this - I felt the lacking was around personal yet simple choices through this. Try finding more intriguing words next time.
    Much luck,


  • Exodus gold member
    February 2, 2008

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    I thought you could have used a better word than "murkiness" in the third line of the first stanza but other than that I think Tyler has pretty much said it all
    Thank you and good luck


  • Tangled Angle
    February 2, 2008

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    8.2

    I kind of felt this was more telling than showing, but this does show imporovement.

  • piccola silver member
    January 31, 2008

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    It is wonderful to be immersed in dreams and just let reality drift away...wish dreams could last forever. If we could pick a dream and stay there in it...but it could turn to a nightmare too. We just never know.


  • Mad As Rabbits
    January 29, 2008

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    Ohh wow I love this!!! I also really loved the line "Beloved wife to the octopus". The imagery was spectacular, awesome job!!!

    Good luck!!!

    Love Always,

    Caroline


  • Dragomiloff
    January 28, 2008

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    ooh, like a dream.
    'Beloved wife to the octopus' I love this line. so mysterious and yet classic at the same time.


  • Ah.Sosha.
    January 28, 2008

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    Yay! I personally love what you did with my prompt.

    I like the octopus thing and I probably would not have thought about that... maybe I'm dense.

    Good luck!

    Sosha


  • x-Black-Butterfly-x gold member
    January 27, 2008

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    sis this is such an amazing piece and your improving all the time come teach me instead

1 - 14 of 14