A little dolly lay across the wall,
hands askew in the tremor of a stance
with eyes as moonlit watchers;
eyeing the dense mass of littered life,
a haven for hoarder's and their like.
A mirrored mirage of broken dreams;
and the slight of a will so fragile,
that each needle of time unbalanced
in the very idleness of moments.
Hard-hitting honesty lined the panels,
for the spoiled spots were not hidden,
and a callous truth was unearthed
not in a note,
neither in a frame,
but in the reflections - everywhere.
Undetermined future's lay ahead,
as a raft upon a dead ocean;
knowing no breeze will caress a ripple
and carry the load into fate's palm,
hence livelihood became a burden,
for the bared and biting reality.
The dolly's eyes do not waver,
accustomed now to the weary life
a hand of bulging obesity grabs her,
props her upon a stained pedestal,
and gladly she drops into the waste below.
Author notes
First off, this took me lots of time because; we don't have laundromats in Pakistan, I don't even know what that is! But I found out and then I looked up improvisation too, anyway the point is, Hats off to Tam, because this prompt was one of the hardest I've had to work on!
Atlast, I thought long and hard and the only that kept coming to me was the lazniess of having a laundromat. Everything is done by technology and machines, while people don't have the energy to take a piss. That's why lazniess is a problem that is affecting so many people aroudn the world. This is the corruption of the human body. It is also about people who have lost all will in doing something with their life and are just hanging around ...
[[ Asfand ]]
Allright, the prompt Tam gave me:
"The laundromat at midnight, gave the cheap, tired smell of improvisation."
The prompt I gave to Rex:
"Plagiarising dreams and pasting them on my global wall."
A contest entry
- Teen Idol 7: Round 3 [Top 14] by Tangled Angle.
300 points, ended February 2, 2008, 12 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Criticism Is Very Much Welcomed -- I Am Here To Learn
Comments
1 - 8 of 8
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Well, I'm jealous.
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Excellent management of poem, you expressed me a lot here, very intense imagery.
Much luck,
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This was a beautiful take on the prompt. You write in such a way the reader can feel, see, touch, hell taste everything your saying. Really a stunning job.
The only thing I didn't like was "dolly", I [personally] would have left it at "doll". But, that's just me
Thank you and good luck. -
9.8
Well, you and Olly Olly Oxen Free did exceptionally well. Awesome job.
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Thanks! Yea, i know, her poem left me speechless!
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WHOA...
how do you do that?! this is amazing.
oh yeah, sorry about the prompt. I didn't even think about where you were and stuff...you did great though.
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haha, no way man, i loved the prompt. i like abstract thing, i can dig deep into them, thanks!!
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This is excellent poetry...metaphorically layered to perfection with amazing imagery...Son, I'm speechless, dumbfounded and unable to express the personal and emotional journey that this poem took me on. Suffice to say, I enjoyed this very much. Thank you for sharing and good luck! Love ya much.
Mum
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