&& I don't care who can see me
Throw my head back && start my screaming
Because I know that you can't hear me
Yell at the top of my lungs && the pain's not receding
&& I don't care if I am bleeding
Beating myself up for ever believing
Because I know that you can't feel me
Coughing my guts out from all this grieving
&& I don't care if I am crying
in my own tears I am drowning
Forever you will go without tasting
The salty liquid that your causing
For you I'm applauding
For going in for the kill, uncaring
Making me believe you were saving
When really my life you were taking
&& I don't care if I am dying
Being consumed by the hurt that your supplying
Being eaten away by the hate your implying
Because on my caring you were relying
&& I don't care that I am dead
To you I was never breathing
But this is not the end
Because now I am finally living
Author notes
wow, yep, exactly how i feel
A contest entry
- Best Prewrite - with no trophies by background music.
525 points, ended April 21, 2008, 13 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - prompts & more prompts. by TChaplinette.
450 points, ended August 15, 2008, 28 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 17 of 17
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in just these few lines,
i can tell how you feel.
so well written,
and said with so much emotion.
i loved the middle and last stanzas
they were an excellent "filling", lol.
:]
keep up the great work. x]
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that was very well written.
thanks for entering
and good luck.
taylor. -
Oh for heavens sakes this is so sad
I am so sad to hear how the young peple hurt themselves thinking it will hurt the one who hurt them to start with.For those who takes loves and leaves they do it because they can and its up to the girls to find out about these guys first.Dont just fall and never look around for you are setting yourself for an ugly fall . Oh I have been there and thought he was the only one in the world but guess what. I learned how to see their true selves before I ever got infatuated with any others .And believe it or not they expect you to stay hidden away and sad it makes their ego explode . So dont give them the time of day walk away as though they meant nothing to you and they in return become the one hurt.For a strong woman in her knowledge of men can turn it around on them .They tell all the type of guy he is and then he is the one left alone . The only words you say to them when they come up to complain just say "IT HURTS DOESNT IT ."
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wow!!!!! this was breath-taking! This is the kind of poem I love because it is the kind of poem that I aspire to write. I could tell from beginning to end you poured your true emotions into this. The was beautifully dark. I can relate to this so much, infact I think this is something most of us can relate to at times.
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WOW!!!! That described so many experiences I've been through! And now just with ex's and blah!
This was truely amazing, and the flow was almost on the money.
Just about this part sounded a little uneven:
"&& I don't care if I am bleeding
Beating myself up for ever believing
Because I know that you can't feel me
Coughing my guts out from all this grieving"
Though they are strong words, I would try to slice down the second and fourth stanza a tad. But my favorite lines were:
"&& I don't care that I am dead
To you I was never breathing"
Fantasitc! You did a wonderful job on this.
-Keni
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:)
I absolutely love the 2nd to the last 4 lines!!!! When I was 1st reading it & got to "supplying" I thought it was nor a strong enough word, like maybe "inflicting", but that wouldn't keep the "y" part of the "ying" rhyme going. Then I read the next 2 lines & couldn't help saying "WOW" right out loud. Excellent!!! Now I'm thinking "supplying" works, because if you're not caring, not giving the satisfaction then they are not able to "inflict"... It would take the strength out of the punch so to speak.
Anyway, I think this is very good! It seems like it should be a song, Evanescence like you know?
Hope you have a happy Easter/spring
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a very deep poem full of pure love and emotions i am pleased that you are finaly living it takes courage to write from the deepths of the heart keep your pen moving
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I can really feel the emotion in this poem i love it very beautiful and so truthful. Keep up the work you got something going for you.
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really a very
strong emotional poem I think the && throws it off a little but that is just me. I certainly know the kind of pain you are describing here and it is very catastrophic to the one feeling the hurt. I do hope you feel better, eventually time heals the wounds but pain like that always leaves a scar. Good write,
best regards,
roaddog wolf
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Wonderful...
I am amazed by this one... Truly an awesome piece... Free and and an intentional release, and arrival in the end to come to grips with a certain peace...
Great write... your talent shines... so shine on you wonder...
I could feel every word... you have a certain brilliance... this should be contest bound!
~ James ~
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oh my god that was totally wicked i loved it. you write from the heart like me
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cool
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love this poem
you are an excilent writer i absolutly love you poem
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AMAZING !!
that was one of the most raw emotional poems I've erver read ! keep up the great writing =-)
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i love it, its fast paced and really sticks the feelings in your face, which i love in poems, good job
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Damn!
This was a very intense poem! It really drew me in from start to finish. Your closing line is awesome, it shows hope of a better time. Excellent job penning this poem!
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This is very intense and expressive. I really enjoyed reading it! Nice job!
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