He pushes
her away
like cigarette smoke,
prison food;
easily like heroin bags,
how he pushes
her mother
hard into mirrors -
all carry more
importance.
A contest entry
- twenty five by AJ Morelli.
2500 points, ended February 16, 2008, 34 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 46 of 46
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LONG LIST
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It's a scene out of a movie with a whole montage of what happened before ( and after) . in 25 words. wow.
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Dynamite.
I'm wondering how I missed this one before.
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I agree with Gill... more than deserving. Congratulations.
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Ouch!!! damn this is harsh and gut wrenching... superb piece... tis no wonder Al chose it as one of the trophy winners...
well done luv
Gill.
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I thought I had already commented on this piece before the contest was judged, however I did read it and what strong expressions and biting imagery.
Well done, and congrats on the bronze.
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This is a tremendous write, strong images, such a painful, realistic feel to this story. Congratulations on the bronze!
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very gut tough poem. Brings out something so terrible in such short space. nicely done. congratulations.
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An enjoyable piece of poetry, some people are just selfish, no cares but for themselves, how they get partners is beyond me, but then again people like dangerous people, they become trapped in lifestyles with no way of escape. A good poem.
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Excellent. I really like this. The opening lines are fabulous. The ambiguous ending is just the thing to keep us thinking on this long after we read it. Good job. I'm off to read more of you.
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thanks so much
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a contender for sure...
al -
Somehow ...
the mirror reflects
image
upon image
upon image ...
and so the cycle goes on
and on
and on ...
soul exhaled
in smoke
What a way of expression you have!
Myra
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thank you, Myra..
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This one was intense and it was excellent Very good
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very short but very strong, a short view into a painful moment and or life. Bravo
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Sadly, beautifully written
You have created an image of dehumanized humanity, thoughtlessly cruel, remorseless, and indifferent. It is the indifference of that cruelty that carries the greatest emotional impact. When evil seeds the thoughts of men, their children reap the fruit of despair.
This one is dark and gritty and so well written I could see it, hear it, and smell it. And what a mix of emotions it elicited. You do more with a few words than most do with a million.
THANK YOU. So refreshing.
CaliOkie
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Wonderful imagery. My vision was a son pushing his mother. Too many years of it. The fire is out but I can still smell the smoke.
I'll be back for more. Thank you.
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and thank you so much for your comment..
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This is powerful poetry.... real life poetry. I see this every day of my life and still it amazes me how a parent, or anyone for that matter, can be so delibarely hurtful, be it for drugs or whatever selfish reason. You wrote a piece of life here....a broken circle. Wonderfully written!
~ Nicolette
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clappytime!!!
distinctive. an enigma of hurt feeling. a craving to read over and again!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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So powerful, emotive and heartfelt. This was a very moving piece. Amazing and brilliantly written.
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"He pushes
her away
like cigarette smoke,
prison food;"
These lines really sting....
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Wow,
You say so much within the verses that you weave.
I like this, how you captivate the readers with your style of poetry!
Thanks for sharing, another potent piece!
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This is difficult for me to read....It had such an impact and brought memories flowing back to my mind...Great job on this...An excellent penning with so much emotion in few words....Amazing
Lynda
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oh my goodness...
only YOU could pen such an epic in twenty five words beautiful Tara...
this is masterfully...and painfully...rendered story painting...
how sad I find this...and yet I know it is true...making my heart weep more so...
this is a wonderful entry in the contest...
great write on a sad subject!
Blessings! Tammy
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Emotionally Moving...
Powerful and potent penning, my Friend.
It pulled at my heartstrings...
A Numbing Knowing, Scribe.
~ Nicky♥
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Quite a piece March. I understood it for face value pretty easily. You captured the detachment of this man from the things that would make most men fill with joy(children, family). The line about the mirror gave me a feeling that because of his actions, the speaker is questioning herself in a negative way. The shattering almost makes me feel like when she's pushed, when her daughter is pushed, her own image of herself as a strong person is shattered. I draw a lot of things from poetry that aren't necessarily there. I like this though.
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Powerful and real. Such brevity.
Bravo
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In only 25 words you show the whole movie. Descriptive, painful... I could be able to add all positive attributes about it.
~Sonja~
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powerful
A powerful look at a real life.
Joe
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I immediately get an image of a room, a dwelling, with many overlays, overlays of brown, gray, boring, dull hues to everything as though hope has gone... the stanzas are each a separate thought, image, sensation of desolation without anger, until the last part ..... ‘hard into mirrors' / all carry more importance .... then i understand the heroin bags going opposite motion to the pushing away of other things ...
god, she who is pushed into the mirror, has more importance than the daughter ....
this poem is put together like brick and mortar, it cannot be budged.... the double spacing increases the separation of you from him from the mirror but the mirror is vital .... perhaps you are the mother in your heart ... perhaps he is someone, a father, at first glance, but perhpas someone else, whom you want to love and to be loved by ... but you also cannot forgive this... the mirror tells me this. you have a brilliant poem here.
the scenario as the reader sees it may not be yours but your job is done and a good poem means more than what you meant it to be, like a seed it grows well and beautifully beyond your expectations as a gardener....
,,,Moqui
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verey nice..... sooooooooooo much beautiful
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?
did you understand the poem?
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stabbing - real - Great read! - NANGALEEM
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thank you..
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Stunning
Amazing
Tam sent me.
Wow.
Paul
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thank you so much for dropping by, and for your comment on my little poem....I will have to thank Tam for bringing you..she's such a sweet heart..
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This is so powerful and so sharp and cutting. The imagery is crystal clear and vivid. There is much realness and honesty in this! Good luck in the contest!
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stunning. i don't use this word often, my friend, but in this case it is oh, so, true. Pain can be beautiful, too, if that makes sense, and in this poem i felt it...Truly deserving of a gold.
Love, Lane
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Lane, thank you so much.
I am unsure of a title right now, going back and forth between 'daughter' or 'mule' ..what do you think?
I want to say daughter....but mule is powerful too, but then...'daughter' gives the 'mule' dignity.
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A film noire in twenty five words. Kudos.
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LOL...thanks, I'll take that...I know my writing tends to be dramatic. LOL...but this is truth, can you imagine him pushing his little baby/girl away just to get his drugs off her to sell in prison??
I think the cigarette smoke part is cliche though..hmm...I might edit some more..lol
thanks, Yvette. -
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For me the imagery had clarity,the description had impact,I was very impressed and what came to mind was that this was like an artistic presentation of something that was societal and black and white shot in fast framed moments that flashed statements ,the scenario and much more,tried not to ramble for a change ,I like the cigarette smoke part and the poem in it's entirety,not the topic of course but the way you both dressed and undressed,figuratively speaking,on the page.
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This pisses me off, excellent write Tara, but the truth in this infuriates me.
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I know..I saw it on the news yesterday. It pisses me off too.
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