It's been a long time now since.
I played your song today
felt like jumping
in front of that moving truck
but instead I sang along with it.
The pay phone outside wasn't working
ate all my quarters instead.
That stale taste of coffee in my mouth
reminded me of you,
lingering.
I walk farther down to my old sanctuary:
a restaurant I used to work at.
I saw your shit car drive out
in front of me.
Thanked God or somebody
that you didn't see me.
I walked past downtown
Christmas tree
staring into store windows
at myself.
I looked ahead
seeing your car parked
in front of family owned.
Thinking that'd I'd take
the next route
but,
it is so cold out here.
Asking for help
there is no panic
however,
as soon as they say,
'he's in the back.
maybe he can help you.'
'Oh. Thank you.'
I went down halls
that I used to rush down.
Bashing shins into
misplaced chairs,
confused highchairs,
stupid brown table.
Family owned
with your framed picture there.
Old ritual I persisted in to stare
make the image engraved into my brain.
Not today.
I see you at the table
we used to sit there
you told me your dreams and hopes
in monotone stories.
You now
jump back at the sight of me.
"Hey,
"Can you help me?"
Handed me the phone
gently, slowly.
Were you mocking me?
Now it was done.
Now I'm just standing here
stupid charming.
We talked movies and interviews.
small talk that I have always hated.
Were you mocking me?
"YOU CAN SIT DOWN."
[please, just stop looking at me.]
"SO. HOW ARE THINGS?"
[I care more about you when you don't matter]
"THINGS ARE BETTER."
[I want to hang myself.]
"THAT'S GOOD"
[At least you're off my back.]
"YEAH"
[I hate you.]
"SO, I WAS THINKING OF GOING ON A ROAD TRIP."
[This is how over I am about all of this.]
"GOOD FOR YOU. THAT'S GREAT."
[I hope you die in an accident.]
"I SHOULD GO NOW. I THINK MY RIDE IS HERE"
[I'm going to go stab out my eyes now.]
I think I'll listen
to the song you wrote for me
50 times more.
I can't breathe now
but at least I'm crying
as least I feel something
rather than nothing
at least I am living.
Silver trophy winner
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