The whispers of butterflies,
lingering on the damp air,
caressing the sodden grass below,
to where the soldiers lie,
spotted citrine wings, of fluttering monarchs,
blanket the wounded with life.
their long spindly legs, needle thick,
brush their bleeding bodies,
till life trickles back to their bones,
and the soldiers themselves, whisper back.
Author notes
2. In the author notes, you must answer
1. How long? A year in June. So that would make it... 11 months now
2. Perception
3. 15
4. Every day, not Friday or when I'm tired (school makes me tired more. =D)
In a list
A contest entry
- prose by whiterabbit..
335 points, ended March 4, 2008, 24 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Finally Get the Medal You Deserve! by TabbyCat.
475 points, ended February 14, 2008, 23 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - TEENAGERS - We're not all thick, yeah? #2 by LaurenLightning--x.
730 points, ended May 7, 2008, 42 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please, tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 82 of 82
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nice one..loved the way youve written this.. good luck!
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Great imagery and excellent write. Best to you in the contest.
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wow. nicely done. i like the imagery portrayed in this.
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You really did an amazing job. You used great words to pen something very poetic. Congrats you have made it past the audition round.
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50/50 for following rules
25/25 for overall poetic ability
20/25 for Creativity in writing, pics or backgrounds added. -
Yep. It's good ...
and I see your cheering section agrees, so I'll leave it at that.
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oh, if only nature could heal man's grievous wounds brought on by hate, with the caress of a butterfly, instead of being sealed into cocoons of flag draped grey, till resurrection day, when they at long last get their wings. excellent poem, especially to
me because I am a veteran...thank you for this write~~Artis
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I think this is wonderful! I absolutely love it! Great Job.
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Pretty far out there, the imagery was pretty good, kind of alien. Thanks for sharing.
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This is beautiful!
I love it, exactly what I was looking for.
The imagery created by this piece is amazing, and I love the way it is written in couplets.
The lines :
spotted citrine wings, of fluttering monarchs,
blanket the wounded with life.
Blew me away, simply stunning.
This is a beautiful poem, thank you for entering and goodluck!
Arc-En-Ciel--x -
I like it but not for this contest! Good luck in the other contests!
Emma ^_^ -
Well
Perhaps the picture I get may be one of healing and yt the image you paint can bring forth many beautiful thoughts. It did touch me
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Excellent write! I enjoyed the imagery and the flow very much. I'm not really big on rhyme so this was more my cup of tea. Congrats on the trophies they are well deserved. Thanks for sharing.
Lauren
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the images are intricate and simple, at the same time. not bad for "not much of a prose writer". thanks.
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this is so well written with such imagery and depthfuldetail in your words.I had to re read it hehe well done
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real great i enjoyed reading this
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This is beautiful. Great imagery! Congrats on your trophies.
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Very beautiful and touching! I really enjoyed this. Well done! And congrats on the trophies.
blessings
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That was a lovely poem
So well written and tenderly done and even twisting!
loved this poem, well done poet, well done!
ears2hearyou
Kathleen : )) you just wanted to drink it in! lovely!
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Good!
I butterfly's perspective is certainly a unique way to view a battlefield. I was a bit confused in verse four when "their spindley legs" (bufferfly) was followed by "their bleeding" (soldiers). But placing the delicate butterflies in the carnage is a vibrant picture that shouts at us through your verse. Thank You! -
this is such a moving poem that really gets the reader thinking. it has such melancholy emotion and a reverential tone which makes it so beautiful.it really makes you think about the value of life and whether there is life after death for the soul if not the body!
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Such a well described piece of thought penned. Excellent imagery and abstract depth woven within. I am more of a free verse writer myself - and truly admire those that can do rhyme, and do it well... It seems you also have a knack for prose! Well written!
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LOvely creation
Very enjoyable read
Best of luck in the contests.
Delila
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A very well written piece of thought indeeed!
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that is wonderful
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I liked this poem, but i didn't get the name. how does it apply to nectar? I liked it though, good detail and good images. Thanks for sharing!
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Nectar... It has a deeper meaning... Look for it... It is what you perceive it to be... I suppose
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spotted citrine wings, of fluttering monarchs,
blanket the wounded with life.
their long spindly legs, needle thick,
brush their bleeding bodies,
Those two stanzas are just jaw dropping amazing. beauttiful and creatve title.
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Thought this a wonderful poem - very mature for just 15 when you wrote this. Enjoyed reading the comments as well - congratulations on the trophies. Nice to be able to reuse them as prewrites in other contests.
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thank you for entering my contest. this piece really makes you think and look at the images present.
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This is pretty good, I didnt see how it was Doors inspired though. But otherwise it flowed well. Nice job. Thanks for entering and best of luck to you in my contest.
~Vampy~ -
Didn't strike me as Doors inspired, but who knows.
Nicew in places, but ambiguous. For example, verse four: do the two theirs apply to two or one subject/person/butterfly?
Also, who do the long spindly legs belong to? Final verse, who comes back to life? -
a great and beautiful metaphor that put perspective on the soldier that wishes her were a butterfly that could leave the torment he lies in.
Tamara
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interesting but lovely abstract piece
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Very Good!
I could tell there was something...off... about it. I wasn't sure what it was until I read your notes. But it is pretty damn good. Indeed I was familiar with the scent throughout this poem. As fading as the scent was it did remind me of Mr Mojorisin. Somewhat. But you should listen to his work or read his writings. Very talented man.
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doors inspired? i did not see much of that but it was a good poem to read, i like the doors even though floyd's on right now.
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thank you for commenting on a sociopaths entertainment i appreciate your honesty,and i wanted to return the favor and im glad i came across this,its amazing.so beautiful and serene.the whole thing is so well written you have a very creative imagination
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Fantastic!
You have quite a talent of using unusual adjectives with common words. Esp. with the grass, wings and monarchs. It almost sounds like it should be whispered for more effect. Great job!
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Your Poem and your prose
(right up there with the Pro's)
was well written, and the imagery was fantastic!
Congratulations on winning BRONZE!
Wonderful Words, Poet!
~ Nicky♥
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Somber
I like this very much. Ripe with imagery. I particularly anjoyed the fourth stanza.
"their long,spindly legs, needle thick,
brush their bleeding bodies."
These words could be even more powerful if you get rid of the "theirs" Maybe just drop the first one, and change the second one to "the." Or whatever. But either way, this is still nice. Thanks for entering my contest.
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I thought it was very good, I usually write in rhyms also
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good imagery painted a great image here^^
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This is so beautiful. I absolutely adore the imagery. This is really amazing. I'm suprised that you're only 15. Wonderful job (and extra points for it being Doors inspired )
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tis beautiful, all i can really come up with for this write, I love how you desrcibed butterflies, and the such of their characteristics and the soldiers body, just brilliantly done
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small but holds a interesting view good read
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This had a lot of beautiful and detailed imagery. I was taken by surprise with this one and I thank you very much for entering. Well done and good luck.
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Good. Great rhythm. I really liked the sense of... like, almost a new beginning. thanks for entering.
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Interesting poem. I feel the rebirth, possibly. The cocoon of deaths shroud....the last fleeting moments just before death when something trivial becomes all encompassing within the essence of a moment....
Enjoyable read, though a bit brief and fleeting for me... I enjoy layers of depth, textures of pondering..
until exhale,
Grimoire
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This is one of my shorter poems. I really don't write like this at all. Everything I write is really longish and rhymes. This was like vacation to me
Thank you for taking your time and commenting my poem, thought. I really appreciate it.
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You are only 15. The word choice here and the rhythem and flow are absoulutly amazing. Thanks for sharing your wonderful talent in my contest.
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While I did like the poem and found it to be one that would be great to see submitted to my site, the contest is for 14 and under only. Please consider submitting this poem directly to Raeni Day Story Station @ raenidaystorystation.com The link and basic guidelines are available on my homepage here and detailed guidelines are available at my site. Thanks for understanding.
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Each line is more beautiful then the next, this is great work.
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bravo!!! this really excellent. I love the scene of peace and nature, how you describe, make it live with the magic of the monarch, how one or many blanket whatever hey touch and make it come to life, at least again with the pollen they carry in their migration to distant lands, perhaps only to a nearby garden ... this brings life ... memories, and soldiers whisper back their cries, their effects upon our lives .... their wisdom not gained in life, or gained in life, but now passed on as one watches what you have described and gives the heart of the observer pause ....
Moqui says
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Thank you for such a thoughtful comment. I really appreciate the time you took to read my poem, and comment your thoughts about it.
Thank you for letting me know what you thought
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A brief but well written poem to point out that even in death there is life. Lovely sentiment. Cheers, Bob.
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Ah, excellent. I had read the author notes on this one and chose to compare it to some of your other ones.
You hit on so many other excellent poetic devices that rhyming isn't necessary, making the parts where you did rhyme special.
I find poetry is a lot like people and if you force it into rhyming it's like making it into something it's not. You have done a spectacular job of stepping out of your usual style to write this.
The ending was spectacular.
And I'll suggest that I want to see more like this
Don Piano
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Thank you for such a kind comment ~ I will keep that in mind as i continue to write
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This is very cleverly writen, either lines for each small stanza can be a stanza on its own.
This makes me realize that I could die, after I actually go in.
I don't like it, but in the best way. And yet I like it, in the worst way. At the same time.(if that makes any sense)
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You have some wonderful imagery going on here with the
whispers of butterflies,
lingering on the damp air,
This shows the soft breeze blowing.
caressing the sodden grass below,
to where the soldiers lie,
Seems they are mourning the soldiers death.
I like how the ending is about bringing them back to life as the soldiers whipser back.
This is really a great poem I feel. I agree with the other person who said caress is over used, but it does seem to work well here with the delicacy of butterflies. I am happy I read this for it is short but leaves a lasting impression. I can visualize this being in a musical video someday.
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Thank you for such a thoughtful comment
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You have some lovely images in here - the spotted citrine wings and the spindly legs in particular, both seemed sort of very real but very delicate at the same time. I'd maybe change the word 'caressing' in the second stanza -it's a really over-used word, and I think you could re-work it into something more original.
Gentle, delicate poem - I liked it. -
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Thank you for pointing that out. I have actually been thinking about that. The word caressing is definitely over used, I am very cautious about using it in the first place. I just don't want to change the piece tremendously.
Thanks for the comment!
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Float like a butterfly...
I enjoyed this because of the observations made. Silence, all except for the silky whisper of wings upon used weapons of war. Under the skillful care, the soldiers realise the true way life should be:
Kindness, from all beings - benefits all beings.
The theme of second-chances comes through as well. I like the title youve chosen for this too.
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This was really good!
It starts out with the beauty of the butterflies, then it shows their vulnerability.
The ending was really sweet! Its like the butterflies are 'saving' the soldiers (the flowers right?).
Its really good! I liked it a lot!
Keep up the good work!
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Slick. I love the freedom of the writing. Your images are simple but disarmingly astute. I get beautiful visuals and a sense of appreciation from your writing. Keep it up,
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the soldiers themselves, whisper back.
i like how somber this is, without ever beginning to sound cheesy. i can honestly say that when i saw "butterflies" in the first line i nearly gave up on the poem. because butterflies poems are usually extremely irritating.
anyways, you used unbelievable imagery here. "caressing the sodden grass", "spotted citrine wings"
this was real pretty without trying, which made it so nice to read.
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Thank you
I really appreciate you taking your time and commenting my poem, and saying such nice things
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You have penned a lovely poem with such beautiful imagery. A pleasure to read. You take care, Sandy
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Thank you for such a lovely comment. I'm happy you enjoyed my poem
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I like this very much except the superfluous word "to" in the second couplet(?) stanza(?) (whatever!)
caressing the sodden grass below where the soldiers lie
says everything you need to say. I admit, having "to" as an extra syllable helps the rhythm, but sounds stilted imho.
Nevertheless, despite a perceived blemish, the piece is very somber, tranquil and thought provoking.
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Thank you for the er - criticism. It helps me a lot, and I really don't like when people are just like - its good. And don't really tell me anything about it. I really appreciate you pointing this out.
I know what you mean, with 'to' because when I'm writing, I subconsciously add syllables (in small words) to make it sound better, to make it flow better.
I might get rid of it, but first I must think about it for a while.. Knowing me.
Thank you thought. I really appreciate it.
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Interesting muse here
Loved the way you brought the butterflies as though to reserect the fallen soldiers
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Thank you
for the comment
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A great start to something special
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SWEET
ooo.. I like! -
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hehe. Thanks?
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A very descriptive work and enjoyable read. I especially liked "The whispers of butterflies." The poem is touching even though it is on the dark side dealing with death. Of course; you have love and sorrow here and the last line "and the soldiers themselves whisper back" is a powerful ending.
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I really liked how descriptive it was. It's very beautiful and the contrast between soldier and butterfly makes a powerful impact.
Nice job!
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Nicely done. The background and font color together are a bit hard on the eyes. Also, the the beginning of the first line in the last stanza till does not need the apostrophe. Other than that I enjoyed this.
Chelsea
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Beautiful
I love the way you described the scene it was like it was before my very eyes!! I really enjoyed you poem!!!
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