Once on a night without a sound,
cold rains fell upon my camp ground,
rains that made me light a fire,
fire to some warmth incite.
As I tended to this small flame,
there from the dreary darkness came
a cloakéd stranger trav'ling slowly,
slowly as the dawn brings light.
"Stranger," said I, "Come sit with me;
let the fire warm and rest thee,
'til the morning comes restoring--
restoring with the first dawn's light."
And as he sat down by the fire,
I could not help but to inquire:
"Stranger, wherefore are you going,
going on this ghastly night?"
Not a word yet had he spoken,
no obeisance or cheerful token;
all he did was poke the fire,
fire that was burning bright.
Finally he started speaking,
with a small voice, weak and creaking,
telling of some futile warring,
warring with no end in sight.
"War is hell on earth," thence said he,
"but if I were to be choosy
t'would strike me as a better choosing--
choosing that fell Endless Night."
"But stranger!" I, naïve, replied,
"not in vain have those men died!
Indeed they're hailed by men and trumpets--
trumpets of the Heav'nly light!"
Heaving thence a heavy sigh,
and as the flames began to die,
I saw his face, a withered visage--
visage that gave me a fright!
Thence the flames died down to ember,
and if I can still remember,
the stranger stood and said quite grimly,
grimly as the dark of night:
"Necessary it may well be,
but let me quite sternly tell thee:
no war ever has been good sir.
Sir, farewell! Now I give flight!
He wrapped his cloak around him once more,
and hiding the bleak countenance he bore
off he flew then, speeding, racing,
racing on and out of sight.
-Arëbyl
Please tell me what you think
Comments
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you're clearly an aspiring voice in the realm of poetry, so i'll dig in and give you my thoughts stanza by stanza:
first, let me say that i like your use of the aaxc, bbxc, ddxc, ffxc, etc, end-line scheme. this strikes me as innovative. even if you're not the one to come up with this scheme, it still feels innovative.
well, getting started:
stanza 1: "sound" and "camp ground" don't quite rhyme because "camp" is the accented syllable in the second line. you'd find your rhyme if you did something like "cold rains fell on my sleeping ground,"--which throws in an innovative twist on the wording.
stanza 2: "small" takes the accent in the first line, so "flame" ends up being a very weak rhyme for "came" in this context. you could do something like: "As I tended my little flame,"--this would put the accent squarely on "flame" and give you a clear rhyme with "came". note that you're going out of your way in other areas to secure the meter: "clokéd", "trav'ling"--such methods work and feel best when you use them consistently or not at all. one of the greatest criticisms of modernist anti-structured poetry crowd.
stanza 3: when it's not necessary, don't bother with anastrophe. you can use "I said" instead of "said I" in the first line without detriment to the flow--in fact it will help, lending a more narrative tone. again you're coming into an accent problem with "rest thee"--the accent falls squarely on "rest", so you're not achieving rhyme. no thoughts are coming to mind for an alternative.
stanza 4: solid. no nitpicks.
stanza 5: (o 'bay sans) if i'm not mistaken. which means you've got a three foot line here: no oBEIsance or CHEERful TOKen--what we call hypercatalectic anapestic-iambic trimeter. now there's a mouthful. but it's not in sync with your tetrameters.
stanza 6: "finally" tends to be pronounced "finely", with just a bit of a lilt on that "l" to segregate it from the word "finely", but still a two syllable word when i hear it. this causes the line to read as a trimeter. consider: an "At length" opening, like: "At length the man he started speaking,"
stanza 7: lines one and two here don't rhyme: "War is hell on earth", he said, / "a fate more grim than all the dead. -- just a thought off the top. the final line here seems out of place.
stanza 8: "men and trumpets" seems off somehow, possibly because men play trumpets, so creating the expectation of "men with trumpets". perhaps another instrument to join the trumpets? Indeed they're hailed with drums and trumpets--
stanza 9: here's a more workable spot for the use of "thence" than above. the last line is a trimeter, out of sync with the predominant tetrameters. consider sticking something like "sere" between "visage" and "that" and removing "a" to mete out the tetrameter.
stanza 10: In time the flames died to an ember, / and if perhaps I still remember, --- food for thought. there's always a way to bring the syntax into a more natural use of language.
stanza 11: ah here you're using "well be" with "tell thee" -- primary rhyme with secondary assonance. works very well. consider "but there's something I must tell thee" instead of "let me quite sternly tell" because the former has a more natural fluid less jarring flow.
stanza 12: "bleak" demands accent, and so does "count" in "countenance". so you end up with a pentameter as a result. consider something like "And hiding the awful gaze he bore,"
Whatever the nitpicks on the prosody, the story idea is excellent, and just ideal for verse form. a friend of mine sent me here to have a look at this, saying you're writing very very well for your age. and i have to say i agree with him. -
An Anti-war poem? You're such a hippie
No, I am just kidding. Of course no one wants war, but sadly it is nessasary sometimes...to be honest, I do not know if it'll ever stop. But hey, I'm all up for John Lennon's idea 
Excellent write, Love 
-
Dan
You're possessed! Most Virginians are!
John
XLNT
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