when first the grey world came to light,
solitude spoke of perpetual night,
of hands that lingered on northern moss,
and heads that bowed to guiding stars
that nod forever westward.
and sea-weary hands plastered cities
to horizons,
where once did rest the shadows
of starlight fleeing
wind.
Author notes
there's definitely more to this, and it belongs in the middle. i just don't know what to do with it... i had to get it out, just for now.
critique the shit out of this husk, please.
hiraeth.
A contest entry
- Picture Prompt Contest by penman.
525 points, ended January 24, 2008, 10 entries
Honorable winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
.
Comments
1 - 10 of 10
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Oh, no, I love that the history of Manhattan
a narrow strip of land is only ten lines, and the vertical plastering of star blocking structures by itinerant travelers paints a vivid picture of that very place. Brooklyn might require ten decades of writing on ethnic blend, but Manhattan is sufficiently covered in ten lines, God don't you just abhor those line limits sometimes, it is as if you are about to have your first beer, and you get about two swallows down, and start to get all giddy, at what's happening, and then your dad walks in.....LOL~~Artis
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Haha! Line limits must die. I've been stuck with this for months. Actually going to Manhattan killed the inspiration, though I've been there more times than I can count. Don't you just love writer's block that cripples just one select idea?
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I agree; it feels like there's something missing in the middle. But if you decided to leave it like this, I think it would sound finished, anyway. Also, the line breaks in the first stanza are a lot different than the ones in the second stanza, and I feel it sort of knocks the flow of the whole off a bit. But, then again, if there was another stanza in the middle to level it out, it would be fine. Am I making any sense at all?
I think the rhyme in the first two lines fit. It gives the first stanza a great rhythm that works perfectly. Fantastic! 
Jeanette*~
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I have randomly read your various postings out of curiosity and I have noted that you seek critique. Since I believe in delivering a mixture of both positive and negative I will start off on commending you for your use of vocab. and the portrayed immagery. The quirk I had with this is that the actual break between stanzas did not pause the previously construed thought. Since the second stanza begins with "and" it gave the feeling of being a run-on. Also, in my opinion, the first two lines ryhming take away from the free form of the rest. However, I give you kudos.
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I was also left wanting more..it was really interewsting and I look forward to you finishing...
Simon
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definatly has a journey feel to it, if you are planning to add more I'd be interested in seeing where you take it. The start could perhaps be a little stronger, something that really grabs hold of the reader and doesn't let them leave until they have devoured the whole piece. The finishing stanza is beautifully crafted and really creates an amazing image.
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the structure here is wonderful and the rhythm makes you pause at the end of each stanza which I think was wonderfully done. Good write!
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wow, there could be some stuff added to the middle of this but this is an excellent start. you are painting a marvelous and historical picture with your words. great work. keep it up.
Rob -
Wonderful
Very well done. Best of luck in the contest.
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What you have here is just beautiful. "and sea-weary hands plastered cities
to horizons,
where once did rest the shadows
of starlight fleeing
wind."
This staza is magnificent. Very well-written and good luck to you in the contest.
Wolfie
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