Why do I go through these phases where I like this guy, then I don't, then I do, then I don't? It goes on and on over and over again, with neither one of us doing anything about it. I'm too chicken shit, he's oblivious. Meh. I suppose there's nothing wrong with asking, but at the same time, part of my is good with just talking to him.
It's getting better, though. I've got band with him, and then the musical (which will be a bitch on wheels), and then there's the times when we go get lunch. That's always fun. But at the same time, I can't keep up this whole doing nothing and getting nowhere thing. Squealing to my best friend over the phone like the 14 year old girl inside my chest every time he hugs me. I can't just post little tributes to him on here and expect things to magically turn out okay. The opposite of love is not hate, it's apathy. Apathy and the lack of a will to do anything at all about the situation without the fear of rejection. I need to suck it up and realize that I will get hurt at some point in my life, and doing nothing about relationships because of that will only lead to my being the neighborhood old lady with a million cats who's slightly touched in the head.
I need to stop staring at pictures of him on Facebook and Myspace and wishing I was whatever girl is in that picture. But *sigh* I do it anyway. I obsess and over think things and generally make a fool out of myself (not around other people, of course, just myself). And then I wonder why I am almost nineteen years old and have never really dated anyone before. Never really had a real relationship in the romantic sense.
I'm tired of myself, but I don't know how to change.
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