Morning mimosa
Settled well in my pregnant belly
Burden of brevity
Growing inside me
Stealing my DNA
My poise
From my crooked snarl
To my flipping middle finger
I feel you
Throwing yourself against the walls of my uterus
Like a Rangoon mustard tarantula
Caged
Clever little thing you are
I assume you sense my umbrage
It’s not that I don’t want you
I just don’t know you
I imagine you a bit older
Writing your name in chalk on the asphalt
On the street of our home
I see so much of me in you I can’t help but weep
Author notes
Please don't take offense to this, i am not a child hater!!!
A contest entry
- BLOW MY MIND! by Tam.
875 points, ended February 6, 2008, 13 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Poor Unfortunate Souls by GypsyEyes.
400 points, ended February 17, 2008, 19 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - I by N e a r.
2300 points, ended February 3, 2008, 220 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Best Prewrites From January 2008 by amaranthine lover.
2550 points, ended February 22, 2008, 55 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 6 of 6
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Dark, funny, well-worded
Offense? That's one of the best things I've read all week! There's something darkly funny about your style, something that suggests the "crooked snarl" and "flipping middle finger" you describe. Your word choices are interesting -- interesting enough to call attention to themselves, which is why I will question your use of the word "brevity"; I don't understand what you were trying to say, exactly. I know what the term means; it just doesn't seem to fit.
Apart from that minor nitpick, this was great, great work. I don't think anyone who read the line "I just don't know you" would be able to call you a child hater. Being male I'll never have to go through what I can only imagine would be the terrifying experience of having something growing inside me that will eventually develop cognizance. But as I said -- I can well imagine it, and from my perspective, mimosas would be considered taking it easy on the kid.
I won't comment much on your technical form, because you're one of those lucky writers whose natural voice (because it does sound natural to me) is already poetic, so I'd not deign to try and have you change that. I think the poem ultimately works on the base level you intended for it, and there's nothing more anyone could ask for. Great, great work.
-Al
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I really thought that this was wonderful.
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Wonderful! What a perfect description of how a mother feels towards a child, esp. in pregnancy. Wow, what writing skills.
Thanks for entering my contest. Good luck!
M a r l u x i a
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I think this is rather clever... I think it embodies a rather natural fear of what we see reflected back at us from the youth of society in general and certainly, at least some of us, as parents also...
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i enjoyed this write! thank you for entering my contest! i wish you the best of luck in it!
NineTailedFox -
very creative!!
thank you so much!
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