An hour ago,
I got your gifts together and thought of you
Three Days ago,
I wondered if we could hang out day of Valentines,
We went to the dance
It was a wonderful feeling
I got hold you close
And show you; how much I adore you
I want to hold you like that more often
Keep you close to my heart
Three weeks ago,
I wrote this poem for you,
wondering what would be most thoughtful
Then I realized
A poem about us might be best
A month ago or a little more,
We started going out 'and' it was to my surprise
As two months ago we were enemies
Last thing I remeber was how we insulted each other at school
Then I got suspended, and we finally got close
And now here you are in my arms
Exactly where you belong
When we first met,
I thought "damn she's cute"
Now I think "she looks beautiful today", everyday
You're very sweet
You like romance
You like me and I like you
I am lucky to have met you
Let alone have you
Happy Valentines Day Cassidy
Author notes
Crazy-Dan Grand Theft Autumn
I wrote this about my ex Cassidy
I'm going to give this to her on Valentines day, this will change when the times I actually talked about come to pass.
I have such a hard time explaining my love for her, that's why this will be her first poem for her.
I don't think its very good yet but i thank all of those whom have thrown in your ideas most I liked.
I just can't get the flow right with rhyming (like a couple have asked for), if you feel up to the challenge I'd be greatful for your help(i'll also give you credit) however I am horrible rhymer.
option. love
option 1
In a list
A contest entry
- finding love by Hecate616.
350 points, ended March 17, 2008, 143 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Inspire Me by MrsJones.
417 points, ended February 10, 2008, 21 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Shades or Colors of Love! by Sailorswench.
800 points, ended January 27, 2008, 9 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - I by N e a r.
2300 points, ended February 3, 2008, 220 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Image Inspired...LOVE by marciakay81.
450 points, ended January 28, 2008, 13 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Lovey Dovey by only1love4ever.
440 points, ended January 31, 2008, 17 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - You Make the Knees of My Bees Weak by wordsmistress21.
450 points, ended January 31, 2008, 24 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Valentine Poetry... a contest for teens age 13 to 18 by Melodies.
600 points, ended February 12, 2008, 16 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Hope, Pray, Love by Wolven Roses.
460 points, ended February 5, 2008, 13 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Love is in the air!! by K1r5ty.
550 points, ended March 5, 2008, 27 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Enter All Your Love Writes Here! by xxRainbowDawnxx.
300 points, ended March 8, 2008, 306 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - III by N e a r.
4000 points, ended February 16, 2008, 121 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Bring It All by Simply Simple.
1800 points, ended February 26, 2008, 120 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
other than making it rhyme(because that aint my style) is there a way to improve it?
Comments
1 - 46 of 46
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I think the most common mistake is to put too much detail and not enough poetic devices. You’re too blunt, in other words. Its like your put wrote down what you wanted to write ABOUT and didn’t spend enough tie saying it. Instead of saying “we went to the dance…” try wording it different. “And at the dance, I held you close.”
I really think you just need to sit down and rewrite it all, it’s almost unbearable to follow. Its sweet, don’t get me wrong...I envy you because my boyfriend never does this. I just can’t see this as a poem at all because it’s not flowing or even a bit poetic. There’s not much else I could tell you, just try to work on it. The ending is too much “you like…” over and over is annoying and its too elementary with the “you like romance”.
Thanks for entering my contest and good luck! -
Awwww! So sweet I loved it. I bet she did too. Thank you for the entry it was very touching. I wish you the best of luck in the contest.
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Seems I've already commented on this from my ANYTHING ~ GOES contest.
It's OK, mistakes happen. It was nice reading this yet again. Still a beautiful dedication.
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Thanks for entering my Valentine's Day contest, and good luck!
M a r l u x i a
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very sweet indeed! I'm sure she'll love it. Is that a picture of cassidy?
I am sure she'll love being close to you too.
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Its a brilliant poem, very sweet. I think she will love it! It doesnt need changing at all!! Poems are words from the heart and somethimes it can be just as powerful to not rhyme! aslong as it has a good flow which yours does!!
Thank you for entering and good luck! -
I know exactly how you feel
you know, poems don't always have to rhyme. it sounds great just the way it is. She'll love it. I know if my boyfriend wrote me a poem, i'd love it even if it sucked. this definitely does not suck! He seems to be more off the picture giving type, he had someone draw something just for me. not to be cheesey, it really is the thought that counts! I will not critique because it is perfect just the way it is, but if you ever are in a jam with a poem feel free to ask for help, i'd love to. this one you've got pretty much down, so i think i'll leave.
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i thank you for thinking its perfect as is, but i showed this to a friend and she found a typo.
typo, Now I think "she looks beautiful today, everyday"
fixed, Now I think "she looks beautiful today", everyday
but she agrees with you that its as good as its gonna get.
Hell she gave me a kiss on the mouth from the romance that was enduced. I'm not attracted to her and her not to me and we both said right after(at the same time) "that never happened"
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XD, I remember this poem! I read it a while ago, and I might have even commented it- tho I think not.
Anyway, It's a great poem.
Thanks -
I would keep this poem just as it is because it is precious and darling a perfectly sweet and loving and she will LOVE IT!
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for being the first draft it is very good. put more of how you feel with the timeing. in my opinion it would sound better. more of the thoughts in your head, or what it looked like. make it more vivid, and add alittle more emotion.
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i think you should put more feeling and emotion into this....describe what u feel inside when she's in your arms,etc....other than that it's good, she'll love it especialy because it came strait from your heart
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its choppy. i think over all you have a good idea of what you want to tell her but its a little to choppy and confusing for me. maybe try to rhyme a little more, ya know make it "sappy-ish" if you will. ^_^ hahaha anyways I hope when you make your final modifications and finally give this poem to your girlfriend that she absolutely LOVES it!
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keep it flowing
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how sweet. for being off the top of your head, it is rather well pit together. the style is different and made it more interesting to read. not going to lie the "three weeks ago i wrote this poem for you" part threw me for a loop (it didnt make sence to my brian chronologically) but it makes sence once i knew that valentines day was three weeks after you wrote it.
good job, keep writing!!
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Aww. Very nice! But you need a bit more punctuation. (Semicolon between "we started going out" and "I was very surprised" It's not bad though, considering it's off the top of your head.
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Well,
A week ago,
I wondered if we could hang out day of Valentines,
or go to a dance
I was hoping your mom would let you
" I wondered if we could hang out 'The' day of Valentines and maybe we could go to a dance, that way I may hold you close and show you again how much I adore you.
Take out----I was hoping mom would let you....
A month ago or a little more,
we started going out I was very surprised
As two months ago,
We were nearly enemies
The last thing we did to each other was insult each other in school
Then I got suspended, and we got close
"We started going out 'and' it was to my surprise
"As two months ago we were enemies"
"Last thing I remeber was how we insulted eachother at school"
"Then I got suspended, and we finally got close
"So here you are in my arms"
"Exactly where you belong"
You're very sweet
You like romance
You like me and I like you
Happy Valentines Day Honey
"Happy Valentines Day~Honey"
These are just little suggestions, by no means do you have to use them, just little things I thought up on my way of reading, hopefully you may find some of them useful!
Otherwise this is very sweet and romantic. I am glad to hear that you made a friendship, and finally a love. Congrats and happy valentines day!! Thank you for entering!!
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Mmm..It's sweet, unique even in its style, but I'm not sure if it's what you'd call romantic, because, hello.. it's mostly about you, and V day is all about romance, and therefor her. But I did think it was very cute and fresh, congrats.
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Mmm..It's sweet, unique even in its style, but I'm not sure if it's what you'd call romantic, because, hello.. it's mostly about you, and V day is all about romance, and therefor her. But I did think it was very cute and fresh, congrats.
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It's definitely cute. If anything, to make this more romantic, try deleting or editing the "damn she's cute" line. Anyway, I hope your girlfriend likes this; it is definitely a sweet sentiment.
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I like how it isn't incredibly gushy, sometimes love isn't all happy fluffyness like a hershey's chocolate commercial. Good write, and I hope you and she have a great valentine's day, Mish
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cute and sweet, good luck!
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Very good write
But I would leave out the line but now I know better for its like you dont think she is any of the above .Just leave that line out and it will be great
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finally!!
somebody tells me exactly wat to do
Thank you!
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very sweet. I can tell it's from your heart.
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Hmmm... I liked the progression of time, and your thoughts. But, i thought it needed a bit more love in it...
Very cute poem though, I hope she enjoys it ~ or doesn't find it on this site heheheh
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she is not a member to this site, so i'm safe
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hehe... You're lucky.
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that's also why this is noguest, so that she can't check it
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Ahhhhhhh..... Smart oneeeeeee
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don't think about whether it's good or not, don't be technical about it... if it's from your heart it's good. and the story telling structure is really to the point and honest but still interesting. Very thoughtful, the presents I remember most from guys are the poems and songs and such, she'll really appreciate it im sure, best of luck to you both!
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Laundry List
This is a little bit random, like a laudry list or a note...maybe a detective's note pad (Blue's Clues???) Anyhow, the message of love gets lost in this because you seem to go back and forth--in and out--of love. Which is it? Yet the poem doen't show the development or why things change. Maybe more to show that evolution? -
its really cute. the end feels alot more heartfelt then the beginning though. The beginning almost seems awkward. even though, i really like the poem as a whole
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i think guys worry too much sometimes about whether or not a poem to their love is good or not...to be completely honest what makes it good is that it's heart felt.
thanks for entering. -
Comes right from the heart. That is what makes a poem special, Dan. I sure hoped your girlfriend liked it, because I know I enjoyed reading it. Very sweet and personal. Nicely written, man.
Thanks for entering your write at A N Y T H I N G ~ G O E S ! Good luck!
M a r l u x i a
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this is also a nice poem good job
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I wouldn't change a thing. She'll love it. This really sweet. It's funny you think you know someone and then one day you turn around and them in a whole differnt light. Good luck in the contest.
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It's cute, and it came from your heart and that's what matters. Good luck, thanks for entering.
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This is adorable. It states the cliche enemy to lover in original terms. Thank you for entering.
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if your girlfriend likes poetry, then she'll most likely love this piece. It shouldn't be hard to explain your love for your girlfriend after you give this to her. congratulations on doing something you couldn't do for your girl before. keep writing to her and let her know your feelings all the time.
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Well done for finding away to do something you find difficult (describing your feelings for your girlfriend).
I like the passing time style you've used to recreate the developing stages of emotion, that enforces empathy upon the reader. The title is an image of passing time, and the opening line brings thought to the conception of the poem, while the closing line brings attention to the reception of the poem. I think the last verse could do with an edit; the repitition of you you you feels awkward and I think you could find alternate expressions to achieve the final effect. Great work.
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beautiful poem Dan, your girl is so lucky to have you and I know she'll love this poem, its so beautiful the wayy you describe how your feelings changed as the months progressed, awesome write,
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Keep writing
~Ashley~<3 -
Im a critical bitch,I hate romantic poetry unless its got an edge usually an aggressive one, I hate formal stanza stuff (eg like 12 roses blicchh-Im gonna hurl)-a matter of taste maybe? Methinks more like common sense, more like I like talented people, with an edge. I like irregular, syncopated free form....so my advice to you is
ALWAYS write off the top of your head
if this is what happens
This is GREAT work
I LOVE that its in reverse
It sucked me in, made me want to read it
It makes me want to go and read more of your stuff
It tells a story- very simple but intriguing because of the form
Its freeform, conversational, confessional
It doesnt try to employ poetice devices just for the sake of technique
Its moving and quiet ingenious for someone who looks so young
I liked:
'We were nearly enemies
The last thing we did to each other was hit each other in school
Then I got suspended,'
'When we first met,
I thought "damn she's cute"
Now I think "she looks beautiful today, everyday"
But now I know you better
You're very sweet
You like romance
You like me and I like you
Shes gonna be suitably impressed. I am and i hate romance.....damn you gonna cost me 9 points...im saving em for a contest....but i cant ignore the applause in my amphitheatre....you won despite the odds of my taste being against you....thumbs up maximus
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u made me smile
i am honored, i thought it was going to be a slam comment. But you liked it, and i was just...
wow(i don't know how to explain it)
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I think its lovely actually. I don't think it needs any change at all. I hope everything goes well with you and your girlfriend.
best of luck in the contest!
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Oh wow is there any more like you going about lol,this is just beautiful and from the heart,your girlfriend will love this,Excellent!
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It's perfect because it's how you feel. I know all the poetry I wrote when I first fell in love wasn't good in my oppnion, but my Love loved it because it came from the heart, not the head. I'm sure that as you explore the feeling some more you will find better ways to express it.
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