Consumate confusion.
Unconvinced of my attraction.
Unworthy, contemptible, there is no redemption
from what I have embraced.
Impurity.
My innocence was admired,
my naivete' was cherished.
These, along with the smile on my face that you valued so highly
were erased by your betrayal.
Irony.
Now I am blank.
My foundation has crumbled.
What will you create from this dried-out clay
that is my future?
Uncertainty.
Author notes
My usual style is definitely rhyming. Also, I am usually careful to form complete thoughts (sentences) with all my lines. This was like pulling teeth. Hope it doesn't suck
A contest entry
- The opposite of your usual style of poetry by Loveandblessings2u.
950 points, ended January 25, 2008, 11 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - I by N e a r.
2300 points, ended February 3, 2008, 220 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Make Me Sad by hey charlie.
470 points, ended February 20, 2008, 38 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - ~ SET the BAR ~ Anything Goes~ Possible of 5750 points handed out! by Florida Sunshine.
950 points, ended February 24, 2008, 182 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Pimp up my prewrites by leander.
650 points, ended February 21, 2008, 108 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Anything Free Verse by Blooming Poet.
300 points, ended March 5, 2008, 24 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 18 of 18
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this is awesome good work sorry i not commenting alot theres a lot to read
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I loved it! I use to pull the same thing. Complete sentences as well as rhyming. It's not easy, especially with a poem like this. You pulled it off though! Very nicely too. Great work!
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Thought-provoking what you have written here, and it has quite a tragic feel to it. I am not familiar with the form you've used, but the alliteration is a nice touch again
Leander -
I am familar with the form you used ~ or resembled ~ there is something about this that just grabs you and holds you ~ it really quite touching ~ however, there is still something ~ that it needs ~ Honestly its not even a concrete something I can say it's this ~ or that ~ its a feeling ~ a wanting ~ it's good ~ I liked it ~ but at the same time it calls for something ~ I wish I could put my finger on it.
Thanks for entering the Set the bar contest ~ I DO appreciate you sharing your work with me ~ I honestly try to give the most honest critique I can ~ as well help folks if possible ~ I DO like your piece ~ I just can't put my finger on it ~ (I'm sorry) ~ Best of luck to you... -
I understand this better than any of the other poems I have read so far. Wonderful job and thanks for entering.
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Your words you penned
and the emotion you displayed
is really unique.
This doesn't suck at all.
I enjoyed the read.
Thanks for entering. Good luck.
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Your...unusual (for you anyways) style is awesome! I read the last stanza twice...it's so powerful and beautifully written...You have me in awe. Great job and keep up the good work!
~Avan~
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the flow is nicely done and the words you used to write these placed the theme in a unique way which is impressive ^_^ i pretty much like this simply amazing piece of yours n.n
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The flow is good, I like how the poem "gets wider" on the second last line of each part. The poem in it self is also good, The way how the narrator describes the feelings storming within is a strong and captivating one.
G
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Is impurity what you have embraced? Or is impurity what has been caused by the embrace? Were your naivete' and innocence cherished and admired by yourself, or the one who betrayed you? Why is the narrator looking to the person who betrayed for answers concerning the future?
I like the way you show how a lack of self-esteem and confidence in ones self can lead down a dark road.
Very nicely done!
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Thanks for your comment!
Impurity s what I had embraced, allowing my fleshly desires to overcome my convictions. The one who betrayed me claimed to admire my innocence, but then he took it way from me. And as for why I looked to him to direct my future, I can't answer that. Isn't that the great mystery of love? Why do we allow ourselves to suffer, even when we know better? Why do we subject ourselves to betrayal and pain time and time again? Well, I think I was just stupid. Other people may have a better reason, but hey, at least I learned something!
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wow, i like this...
it reminded me of an unhappy thing in the past... thats not why i liked it...
i liked it because it really captured the emotion... great write
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great write. Keep up the good work.
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"What will you create from this dried-out clay
that is my future?
Uncertainty."
This is some great imagery and I know for a fact you're not the only one that doesn't know what to expect in their future.
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No it does not suck at all.
" Now I am blank.
My foundation has crumbled.
What will you create from this dried-out clay
that is my future?
Uncertainty ".
I love the story within your write and I really love your strong ending.
Great job.
loveandblessings2u & yours always
Joyce
Good Luck ~~~ -
Oops, forgot to put in my comment! I liked it a lot. I especially liked the way you arranged the key themes in your poem. Impurity, Irony and Uncertainty were the key points...perfect.
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It doesn't suck! :)
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This was great-stark and brutal and sad-the style must suit you more than you give yourself credit for. Really good stuff. Good luck in the contest.
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