Walking at the waters edge your hand in mine,
feel the water crash and the ebb of time
waves advance and retreat about our ankles;
the bottom swirling up, like thoughts upon waking
from an unfinished dream.
Luna yet to rise, stars illuminate the mists
that dress the beach in the gossamer fabric of summer nights.
Gentle breezes swirl the mist
as if the beach breathed softly as it dreamed.
Dreams of days spent in the idolatry of youth, prostrate before Apollo; of nights that were the perfect libidinal blend of perfumes and car fumes, and tanned, taught bodies, dancing to the music grinding out of the radio, sultry and hot - Polyhymnia’s sacred beat.
Living in the ebb, we chose to dance at waters edge, a pas de deux to the oceans ancient hymn, we lie on the warm sand our limbs entwining the other as an ivy around an oak, each needing the other to live, but ivy causes the oak to wither and fall.
Walking at the waters edge no hand in mine,
feel the waves crash and the ebb of time.
Remember living for summer nights, an altar, built to love?
Remember its beauty and its grace before it turned into a pyre,
while we watched and did nothing save dance around the fire.
Original
4/27/07
4:31 PM
Revision #5
1/01/08
3:00 PM
Author notes
An entry in the contest:
Feelings At Present. by Poetryintheblood
2... Why do I love you so much in vain?
A contest entry
- ~♥~ Hopeless Romantics and Other Sad Love Poems ~♥~ by Shassidy.
525 points, ended April 21, 2008, 67 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Feelings At Present. by Poetryintheblood.
625 points, ended November 17, 2008, 16 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 25 of 25
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Thank you for your most wonderfully expressed entry Josie
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Thank you for running this contest and thank you very much for placing me second, it was unexpected.
Wishing you luck in your search,
Eyec
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line 4 like inebriated thoughs, now drowning
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This is very very beautifull, i feel as though i am actually at the ocean, enjoying the night
The opening stanza really draws you in as well -
Superb, brilliant a masterpiece.
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well done
Very good poem. Flows well. I like the occasional rhyme. Very good imagery. Some small suggestions: third stanza, fourth line, did you mean "taut bodies"?; first stanza, first line, you start off "ing" then shift, how about starting off "We walk". I felt that the flow would be better and phrasing more suggestive if some of the article "the" were removed. For example: first stanza, before "ebb"; second stanza, before "gossamer"; and so on.
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ps i think you should call it living in the ebb too it would work really well with the piece one thinks
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brill this finished its really good the imagery is great and the story is claer and perfection can be a curse but in this case it has paid of i think this wouldhave placed if it wasnt for the amount of entries good luck and may your pen never run dry, you got sklills Bravo
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I adore how you transitioned from imagery to emotion seamlessly.
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Superb
'tis a fine write, indeed. You've expressed your thoughts quite well. Thanks for sharing this one with us. -
This is a great piece! It has so many great examples of imagery and conveys a lot of emotion. I particularly like how the first and last stanzas tie in with each other - it makes the piece powerful and it also is a great technique to make the piece feel finished. I think if this had a title it would make it more powerful, but then again, not everything needs a title. Anyway, great job and good luck in the contest!
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these are VERY GOOD lines and need to be spaced out and given more room so people/readers can focus on them:"Living in the ebb, we chose to dance at waters edge, a par de deux to the oceans ancient hymn, we lie on the warm sand our limbs entwining the other as an ivy around an oak, each needing the other to live, but ivy causes the oak to wither and fall." thanks for sharing regards zaj
[perhaps Living in the ebb as the title? while using it as a refrain?} -
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Hi,
Thanks for having commented on this piece, I should have written earlier - I got busy and used that as an excuse to be lazy - apologizies tendered.
I like your suggestions and am thinking that I might use them if there is a revision #6. You see the poem is like it's title - unfinished.
Thanks again,
Eyec
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wow luna yet to rise, stars iiluminate the mist as if the beach breathed softly as it dreamed this is beautiful it is so nice to just chill out and not let life rush us by good luck and keep your pen flowing
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'as if the beach breather softly as it dreamed' is a lovely metaphor for the innocence of the first 2 stanza's the 3rd stands as a testament to the loss of innocence and the final 2 seem to contrast the loss and disillusionment that follows when the dream is lost. Modern and ancient contrast with youthful innocence and the age of awareness. Lovely read
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Hi,
Thanks for having commented on this piece, ishould have written earlier - I got busy and used that as an excuse to be lazy - apologizies tendered.
WOW! Did I say all of that!?? LOL! Thank you gentle poettess,
Eyec -
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no problem
thanks for taking the time
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IN the fourth stanza, first line, "par de deux" should, correctly be "pas de deux". Other than that, I have no criticism about his peice at all...it's beautiful. The allusions to ancient Mythology are well placed, the imagery is gorgeous, and the last stanza is both lovely and heartbreaking...very well done!
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Hi,
Thanks for having commented on this piece, ishould have written earlier - I got busy and used that as an excuse to be lazy - apologizies tendered.
That is what I get for not having it proof read by another soul. Thank you for your kind words and consideration.
Namaste,
Eyec
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AWESOME
I was going to go back and read your previous one first but now I don't want to. This has just blown me away. It's beautiful, it's sensual and the imagery is fantastic. You have a natural gift...this is absolutely breathtaking.
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Hi,
Thanks for having commented on this piece, I should have written earlier - I got busy and used that as an excuse to be lazy - apologizies tendered.
I am pleased that you like it and am blushiing that you thought it good enough so as not too read the earlier version.
Blessings,
Eyec
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WOW!!!!!!!
Holy shiznit!! dude you are a poet!!!
The theme was so beautifully described I wish I could write as beautiful as this. This is by far the best you have written. and if its a rehash, rewitten then even better!
The beach , the mist the illuminate stars....dude you brought it all to life and it took my breath away! I am still happy to see you still around!
sincerely,
Bladesmile
Immortal flesh
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DewD!
Thanks for having commented on this piece, I should have written earlier - I got busy and used that as an excuse to be lazy - apologizies tendered.
I pale before your words,
Eyec
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this is just wonderful.
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Hi, Just a simple thank you M+M,
Eyec
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