As the day turns to night
my mind starts to take flight
I fight the memories that fill my sight
That fateful day
I was left with nothing to say
as death swept you away
You shall never be here
with those you hold dear
never to cuddle you babes near
We wait to see you at the door
knowing you shall not be any more
the pain with in my heart I shall not explore
But I know we again will meet
and when we do I shall sit at you feet
listening to the stories you softly repeat
Author notes
this is to my grandmother who I lost at the start of 2007
A contest entry
- Experiment by Dienush.
3550 points, ended January 31, 2008, 29 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Best Prewrites From January 2008 by amaranthine lover.
2550 points, ended February 22, 2008, 55 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - For The Deceased by DeadlyTurnip.
1550 points, ended March 24, 2008, 31 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - The Largest Contest On AP!!!! by xxRainbowDawnxx.
3000 points, ended August 26, 2008, 1668 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
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The idea behind this was really powerful and very sweet, that you'll meet them again. I think you could've found a way to end a little bit stronger.
The description in this made it seem very real and relatable. Thank you for entering my contest
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I lost my grandmother just a mere two weeks ago. She would have been 90 today. I understand how you feel, immensely.
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Yes Shall Meet Again
The subject matter for this poem is beautiful - the rhyme a bit forced throughout - I think each stanza should be 4 lines each - keeping the uni-rhyme as you have done - the story is heartfelt and gives us that eternal hope of meeting in the hereafter - God Bless - Joe - (Dobar Dan)
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The rhyming scheme here is very consistent and I still have mixed feelings about that - it flows very well, but I am left to wonder if you're not trying too much to help the form though the content might lose some in lines like "riping into our hearts a never healing sore". However some parts of this were very strong like "as death swept you away" and the alliteration in the first stanza is very powerful. This poem feels so bittersweet and sad... so touching and it sounds personal. It must take a lot emotionally to write something like this.
As for the experiment part of my contest, I don't think you were a subject, were you?
Thank you very much for this entry.
~Diana
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