Breezes blow through
teruha kimono
in notes to echo sigh
as night shades day.
Skin becomes art
{shifting origami}
for male hearts to behold;
...white lotus lifts her veil,
visage in pastel.
Immersed in willow world-
where jasmine fans wave
as beauty is imbued.
Cherry lips emit...
snowdrop words to rain
drifting on shamisen strings;
...her song sublime
as oleander evanesced.
Fluid spirit idles;
stellar dream exhales-
on calm breaths of ether.
Of alabaster seasons...
hiding crane feathers
in ginger silk
and gorgeous madder;
Girl becomes
revival of the tennin.
Author notes
tennin - Japanese Angel
shamisen - Japanese string instrument
teruha - Japanese for shining leaf
In Japan the Geisha is referred to as a flower, where as Japan itself is referred to as willow world.
A contest entry
- Nicolette and Mary present; a season of long breaths: a collaborative contest by Cat.
3500 points, ended February 2, 2008, 8 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 11 of 11
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Your out of my league!
It's nice to look at something and say I wish I could do that. I don't know what your inspiration was or your understanding of Japanese culture, but I know that you nailed this. This gen I read three times. Thanks for sharing.
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Ah thank you! I didn't write this alone though. I had paired with the goddess of verse and only when we combined skills did this came to be. Nobody would have come up with it alone. Thank you for your kind compliment.
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This is just rich with imagery... Wonderfully worded for great visual effect! Really nice work!
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With each read of this my thoughts are varied. I believe this to be a very beautiful work which seems to blend beautifully from the pens of two poets. My second thought is that the piece would hold up better with some very precise paring of adjectives. The trick with adjectives, especially in a japanese influenced piece is a less is more stance..
use a few well chosen adjectives that stand out as they are meant to paint the picture-
and drop any which are not achieving that goal.. for instance drop "fluid and stellar" - they don't draw the reader any closer to your goal and just muck up an otherwise beautiful read.
thanks so much for entering this piece..
it was well worth the effort and
work a collaboration piece takes.
m -
I really like the asian imagery here, the geisha's kimono, etc, nicely worked in without it becoming a cliched image. I don't think that's easy to do, especially not when so many try to do the same unsuccessfully.
Good luck both of you, nicely done.
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Thank you so very much for this wonderful comment and the positive vibes. We are both very happy with what we have achieved. Good luck to you too, will be visiting soon.
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I love the old Japanese poetry and I remember I once hosted a contest for Japanese poetry, especially tankas. This poem made me feel and see that Japanese essence and you've included so many wonderful visuals here. I've always liked the use of foreign words in English poetry too - it adds just that extra dimension of authenticity when used correctly - and I think you've done well in that regard.
The poem is perhaps a bit adjective heavy but I also understand that the "theme" sort of requires it... What I liked about this poem, apart from the fact that you've stayed with the theme, is that it is light, almost airy, like a breeze, like a paper fan, like the wind lifting a kimono. Your voices harmonise very well and it's hard to tell the two voices apart.
I enjoyed reading this and I think if you pare down on adjectives this piece would be so much stronger. A good collaborative effort - thank you, poets.
~ Nicolette
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Thank you very much for this outstanding critique of our work together. The poem came to birth with great effort and many edits, before we could achieve this harmony and balance between both our voices and style. We were both very proud to enter this contest with this particular poem. We will take your notes on the adjectives and edit it to a softer version.
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Don't know if this will help you, but one of the techniques that I apply to go "lighter" on adjectives, is the placement of words, e.g. instead of "Soft breeze blows through teruha kimono" I would perhaps write it this way: "a breeze blows through tehura kimono, softly, sighs a paler note as night shades day..."
lolol, of course it's easy for me to sit here and suggest that - but I can say that I liked this poem!!
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I for one feel that is a great help when a judge can shed some insight as to what direction they feel a piece can be taken in to strengthen it. It's wonderful advice in both our opinions. Thank-you for taking the extra time with your critique; it's very much appreciated by both of us. Blue
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Well I normally value every single opinion and I never think it's easy to suggest something. I usually have hard time telling what is not good in a poem, so your job is not that simple either.
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