you gently brush
the hair from my face,
telling me I'm more beautiful
than diamonds or lace.
soft lips,
glistening eyes,
never hinting that of
tommorrow's goodbye.
whispers in the dark,
sweet nothings in my ear.
I fear it gone in the morning,
but I've abandoned all my fears.
when dawn arrives,
I will undoubtedly cry,
but for now I'm entranced
by your beautiful lies.
A contest entry
- Beautiful Lies by Cinnarry.
1750 points, ended February 6, 2008, 18 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Finally Get the Medal You Deserve! by TabbyCat.
475 points, ended February 14, 2008, 23 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - poetry hacks rhyme together by alaskanamber.
525 points, ended February 23, 2008, 16 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 10 of 10
-
I love the beginning but it seems a little...cliche’. I think the easiest thing to change that would be with the last line change it to “than diamonds IN lace” it makes the image and the message more powerful. Put two beautiful things separate and they are just beautiful, but together they’re gorgeous. With the next stanza, you can’t make that more perfect. I think you should use “Whispering” in the next one and no coma after that line. Use a different word that “Fear” in the sentence “I fear” because it’s too repetitious. Maybe “Once afraid it gone in the money” The first two lines of the ending stanza should be rewritten. I think you could make it more powerful. I mean it’s the ending, you want people to remember it.
-
Oh the deceptions and lies that go on in the name of Love. You have penned it here very well.
Good luck,
David
-
amazing how sometimes we know subconsciously that they're lying but we want them so bad we in turn lie to ourselves. Thanks for entering and good luck.
-
The liked the subtle rhyme here. It seemed very natural. I had a string emotional response to the poem as well. The only part that seemed strange was stanza two...didn't quite get how you arranged the words through there. But even so, nicely done!
-
well done rhyme, thanks for entering
-
Such a sad and tearful poem. thanks for shareing it, it speak so sincerely of the pain that our hearts can bring us.
-
This is very nice, Good luck with it, also I see you are fairly new here. Welcome to Ap fellow Ohioan
-
Really good write.
-
Wow
Marcia this was real cool.I like to write things like this. -
Very nice
I really enjoyed reading your poem. I know I have been there! Thank you for sharing.
Adding your comment:
1 - 10 of 10
