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Not the wind





I


not the wind,
but the windowsill whistles

 

a refrain of rustling foliage
and weak tunes of nighttime
                  and weather
 

 


II


an orchestra births
from your mouth -


a breeze in this room
    waltzes with your velum,
       dwells over your lips
      and hauntingly clings
     to my ears

 

 

 

III

 

I might as well stare

at the naked moon

 

     and watch the clouds

     billow underneath her,

 

as the pines bend humbly

to applaud the concert

of serene sighs

   and mumbled music

 

 

 

IV

 

not the wind,

but your voice colours

the back of my eyelids



 

 

 

 

 

Author notes



My first try at a poem in vignettes. critique away!

A contest entry

Please tell me what you think

    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have (?)

Comments

1 - 47 of 47

  • MuddyKing Moderators member
    July 4

    Edit | Reply
    You know Lee it's been so long since my jaw dropped reading you and I have to saw...it won't be this long again.The alliteration is subtle and so impactful (if that's a word)
    hell you know what I mean
    your words were always soft as a feather...but the meaning hits you like a ton of bricks
    peace and hugs man
    Muddy


  • pine-needles
    July 4

    Edit | Reply
    love the style, how pauses but is held together by the musical omagery/language and repetition with a twist. especially loved I and IV, the middle two weren't bad but also weren't particularly stricking to me, and the second felt ever so slightly weighed down with modifiers to my ears. but the creativity and cleverness of
    "not the wind,
    but the windowsill whistles"
    is wonderful, never thought of it that way before, and
    "a refrain of rustling foliage"
    is a lovely description, the sound of it, can hear the rustling and see the branches of orange leaves crossing part of the pane.

    and
    "your voice colours
    the back of my eyelids"
    is such original and stunning image.

    very nice.


  • NiennaCalmcacil
    July 4

    Edit | Reply
    Ahhh! I love the imagery! It was wonderful...It was simple, yet had elegance. I found myself smiling when I finished reading... =)

  • Peteskid gold member
    July 3

    Edit | Reply
    a wistful mood, reminds a little of Bandeira...very simple words for the most but brilliant imagery...guess there is a lesson there for all writers...excellent...PK


  • leander gold member
    July 3
    Edit | Reply
    thank you for your comment
    That baby is my sister's She's just a few hours old on that picture, now she's 6 months and two weeks

  • cherche -d -ame gold member
    July 3

    Edit | Reply
    I loved the way that each stanza seemed to be like a separate thought of its own with the last one sort of bringing it to a conclusion.Definitely could not critique anything because of the effect had on reader and secondly have no idea about written "vignettes" Just know that I enjoyed,
    zzzzzz
    reenie
    PS....that beautiful baby..yours????


  • Violet Moodswing gold member
    June 26

    Edit | Reply
    I couldnt tell you the first thing about vignettes without looking it up somewhere, but I love the poem. It spoke to me and as a reader that is all that moatters at teh moment .

    Thanks for your entry

  • Nam
    June 6
    Edit | Reply
    Excellent.

    -Nam


  • BabyBun silver member
    May 8
    Edit | Reply
    Wasn't too keen on the structure but your words are delightful

  • j-ay rose
    April 9

    Edit | Reply
    i like the creativity you have displayed. thank you for your entry in my contest and i wish you the best of luck.

  • Ryno
    March 10
    Edit | Reply


    ryan says:

    cricket





  • Faithbound gold member
    February 28

    Edit | Reply
    You are a wonderful writer. There is that word again...sigh. You have got me wanting to go birth a new poem...


  • Lady Editor
    February 23

    Edit | Reply
    Vignettes are very interesting. I've never tried one (never heard of one till now), but I doubt many could amount to the beauty of this one. Excellent job.

    You see, I would critique, but I don't see anything to critique, so I will praise. ((bows))


  • Amaranthine Lover silver member
    February 22
    Edit | Reply
    I absolutely love this

  • Metaphorist
    February 7

    Edit | Reply
    Oooo, another great one. I may have to add you to my favorites right now
    Thanks so much for entering.

  • a dozenglassroses
    February 1
    Edit | Reply
    not the wind,

    but your voice colours

    the back of my eyelids

    Wow! Powerful words!

  • The Poetic Bandits gold member
    January 27

    Edit | Reply

    9pts...

    Thank you for this wonderful contribution to The Poetic Bandits reading list

    ~Lilac


  • Lady Altheia
    January 25
    Edit | Reply
    I like the imagery as well. I am not sure what exactly the poem is about.

  • Polaja
    January 25

    Edit | Reply
    I love the way you use imagery so well in fact, I think I like just about everything in the way you write like this, the form, the language, everything... amazing poem... Wonderful!

    Keep writing

    Polly


  • Warrior-Eagle
    January 25

    Edit | Reply

    I liked that part about the naked moon!

    I enjoyed this.

    ..Simply Me♥
  • ronnica
    January 23
    Edit | Reply
    Oh so nice to read, My favourite for the day'


  • volcaniclastic
    January 23

    Edit | Reply
    Haha, I didn't think it was really about the wind. I really enjoyed this, Leander - actually, I really enjoy just about anything you write.

    What is a vignette?

    • leander gold member
      January 23
      Edit | Reply
      You make me bluxh -> see

      A vignette is actually a snippet, a snapshot that allows the reader a moment (or moments - as that is what "vignette" actually means), yet each one contributes to complete the picture on it's whole.
      This poem has 4 vignettes - Actually each part should be able to stand on their own, but they give a powerful poem when complementing each other hope that explained it a bit for you

  • Shamanicmusings gold member
    January 23
    Edit | Reply
    A very pretty set of vignettes, a little tapestry of scenes to play with.


  • Gaze silver member
    January 23

    Edit | Reply
    Sigh....
    words in motion, that is how you do it
    love mommers


  • Poetry and I Inc
    January 22

    Edit | Reply
    I am new to this one, but
    it's very beautiful. Great
    imagery and structure: unique.
    Thanks for sharing with us

    I'd have to say my favorite
    lines were:

    as the pines bend humbly

    to applaud the concert

    of serene sighs

    and mumbled music

    ~The Inc."


  • Year of the Fire
    January 22
    Edit | Reply
    Very detailed writing five vignettes about wind but what is a vignette and how can I do one?


  • Nasci Draco Sanguis silver member
    January 22

    Edit | Reply
    I'm not quite familiar with this form so can't really critique that, but I can say it is a well written piece and I do love the context. I often can hear my father snore from the back of the house Funny how the mind works when we are exhausted and yet cannot sleep. Great job on this


  • paperparadox silver member
    January 22

    Edit | Reply

    Blown away...

    Excellently penned, with beautiful images and metaphors, all exquisitely put together.

    The lines practically 'tinkle' off the page, as music reaching the ear.

    Fanstastic. This was a pleasure to read. Well done, Sir!


  • Lost Memory
    January 22

    Edit | Reply
    vivid and detailed, interesting, and good because of it, quite a thought provoking piece, I really liked it

    ~Nick


  • freespirit51 gold member
    January 22

    Edit | Reply
    Interesting form. I have never read this style before. I love the great images your words have painted. Good luck in the contest.

  • maggiejamespoet silver member
    January 22
    Edit | Reply
    Congratulations on the outstanding poem and the baby! No critique--this poem is excellent!


  • birch
    January 22
    Edit | Reply
    I invisioned a certain person while reading that second section. Very nice, Leander. J
  • file not found
    January 22

    Edit | Reply
    Just wow. Creativity at its best. This is so fresh and vivid, at one point I found myself wanting to stop reading so it would not need finish. Lovely, I say. + bookmarked


    • leander gold member
      January 22
      Edit | Reply
      thank you very much for the comment and applaud really appreciated

  • suseann
    January 22

    Edit | Reply
    Never attempted this form. Yet it is riviting in verse done well.Brought a smile to me in as much as I too have thought of trees swaying as applause to a winds symphony.


  • LadyUnique silver member
    January 22

    Edit | Reply
    i have to try vignette. i say that and never do...

    'an orchestra births from your mouth'... is he snoring again?? if that's what you're refering to then you've made an annoying noise pretty

    really liked this leander can't find a fault any where


    • leander gold member
      January 22
      Edit | Reply
      How could you guess it
      It seems that my boyfriend snoring the crap out of hisself () is quite my muse lately

      thanks for the applaud sweets

  • Nicolette gold member
    January 22

    Edit | Reply
    I love poems written in vignette style and I love this wind poem of yours, Leander. Each vignette allows the reader a snap-shot moment or moments (as that is what "vignette" actually means), yet each one contributes to complete the picture. Beautiful - and as always I like seeing a new one from your pen!! This is stunning work, my friend.



    ~ Nicolette


  • wakingdevil
    January 22

    Edit | Reply
    Not sure of the form, but the imagery was fantastic!Loved the applauding foliage and the naked moon! Truly magnificent write!Best of luck

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