The striking of a match a mischievous spark,
Truth piercing my cornea to no avail,
I shake spider webs from my dream machine and smile
There was a single bloody tear dripping down my dark bearded cheek.
Tears falling on lands alone with a will to see
I slept where heaven wept,
Author notes
Casablanca http://allpoetry.com/poem/3797499
Gifthorse Killer http://allpoetry.com/poem/3793313
Door http://allpoetry.com/poem/show/3788217
There was only an oil lamp upon the table http://allpoetry.com/poem/3741942
Grandfather Uxocchiman http://allpoetry.com/poem/3741853
Mollusk http://allpoetry.com/poem/3741829
A contest entry
- Reiterated Recyclings by EnigmaticMonday.
700 points, ended January 23, 2008, 9 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Respect is asked for, given and understood... :)
Comments
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I love this line:
"I shake spider webs from my dream machine and smile"
What a wonderful way of expressing it! Kind of like waking up and rubbing your eyes after sleeping. Or indeed, allowing yourself to dream after a long time of stopping yourself from daring to...
I also love this line:
"The striking of a match a mischievous spark"
Opens the poem with an air of impishness. I wondered what kind of tricks were going to be played here...an enlightening one no doubt about that.
"Truth piercing my cornea to no avail"
This line following, seemed to be the right course of action...as light is perceived as truth. Yet you do not see it right now...are you then still slumbering as mentioned in a later line?
"There was a single bloody tear dripping down my dark bearded cheek.
Tears falling on lands alone with a will to see"
I wasn't too sure of these two lines and what they were adding to the whole...but, they linked well with the last line.
I feel there's something missing in the middle. The transition from the dream machine to the tears felt like a blast of cold air, in the waking moments...
Thankyou for entering my contest D.
E-M -
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I never mentioned it, but your critique on this one is spot on. There was something missing in the transition.
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