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Without Verse (The Hag in the Marsh)

The unholy fruit that mocks her in purged ruin
Just a taste, a taste of stringent pleasure, of reminder
A spirit shattered from here to eternity
To suffer forever for her original sin
The local folk never stray, never stray to these depths
She searches for someone to join her clammy ranks
Her purged spirit withered and lonely, ravaged in regret
Encrusted to the bog that lost blooms, she’ll take any soul she can grasp
The hag beseeches for hatred and vigor, for her plastered circumstance
Rooted to hell, yet she's forgotten why and how
Once made from ribbing, now howls for spirits lost
And the little pixies in surrounding snicker, they entrap her
Unknowingly yielding, she does the devil’s bidding
Swamped in the stench of death, she sings for her love
And if you happened to hear her
You’d be entranced and drawn in, and forever taken under
And when the children set out in the darkness
Across the bridge and the oak-laden path
Their mothers rip out a new page of the scripture
Entrusted for safe-keeping of their little darlings
Yes, the little girl who could smell the sun
She had a name once
She told me what it was, she tells me everyday in quiet moments
One day when I ventured into the woods without verse

Author notes

"Original Sin"

A contest entry

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    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
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Comments


  • Exodus gold member
    February 3, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    I think this could do with some breaking up. As it is now it's very blocky and sudden, kind of like you're trying to tell a story but it didn't quite work out right so you turned it into a poem.
    The other main thing, which is more of a personal choice than anything else, is the capitalisation on the beginning of every line. When you're in the middle of a sentence like you are in line 15 it seems a bit silly to capitalise "and".

    Thank you


  • Naridill gold member
    February 3, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    wow~ all in one breath. I think punctuation would lighten the breath needed to read this piece. Also the flow is very bulky and would love some spacing in format. You have gripped some strong imagery but the flaws kind of over power the imagery here.

    Thanks for entering,


  • Rheea gold member
    January 31, 2008
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    I looked at the pictures and I read your poem and yours is so the best to me.