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Rough Cut

Your words sink
        down
seeping into my heart
with bitter fervor
through passages
of nerves
        left
        raw
by careless words
creeping across my awareness.

"I hurt"
        echoes
longing held trapped
by onerous doubt
so pervasive
in my own world-
        shattered
        illusions
of self importance
sliding in a cascade of tears.

My response-
        silence
choking my thoughts
with devious precision
and candor
as the winds of change
        blow
        relentless
in jagged slices
cutting me open roughly.

Rough Cut
by Dave Powell
8/26/07

A contest entry

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Comments


  • Ryno
    March 9, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    I really liked the image in the last part of the piece. It really incorporated something abstract that really made the emotion with in the ending of the write.

    The format worked pretty well too, becausse it added emphasis, well done

    I think you can work at some of the images and at making them stronger, thats my only tip.

    Well done! Thanks for the entry.

    Ryan


  • sweetgirlwa
    February 22, 2008

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    This is a very sensitive for me. I suffered in a emotionally abusive relationship for a number of years and these words touched my soul. I dissagree with the previous comment and I feel that your work is fantastic and it feels that it comes from a sincere and honest place. Thank you for sharing and I look forward to reading more of your work.


  • Fairies on Fire
    February 1, 2008

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    The majority of the lines here are very good, which lifts this above the lee of most 'teen-angst' cliche writes. A few parts seem to let it down, for example "seeping into my heart" is a phrase burned onto my retina with the amount of times I've read it lately. Likewise, with "choking my thoughts", its ok in the context, but with such other origianal lines it seems a little incongruous.
    Your vocabulary, which is superior to the teeny-whiners, lifts this poem. A brief edit should be all thats neede to excise any last traces of melodramatic angst, because this is mostly well written. Good luck xx