Drop by drop
The puddle fills
As pain builds
Over the ground it spills
Like careless destruction
Any direction at will
Drop by drop
My thoughts seep through
Heartache takes hold
What else can I do
Drinking in the silence
Holding my memories of you
Drop by drop
I feel so alone
Pleading without pride
How do I atone
The moment long passed
Chilled to the bone
Drop by drop
My fingers trace
Lingering briefly
Where the tears race
Hauntingly familiar
The contours of my face
The Path Not Taken
By Dave Powell
7/01/07
A contest entry
- Anything Goes by karmacae.
700 points, ended February 14, 2008, 67 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 8 of 8
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Ahhh, heartfelt piece! this was beautifuly written, so touching!
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Tenderly heartbreaking.
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A wonderful write, so much of your work seems to hit home for me. I hope to see much more of your work on the site, I am really enjoying it.
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Wow, very very heartfelt piece..so many can sure relate to those feelings..very sad yet beautifuly written..thanks for sharing..it was great read
Amarige
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And as for my opinion, the rhyme is good, but this poem had to be a bit longer. 24 lines, 4 of which are the same, is not really the best size for a poem of this kind.
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Not a fan of faithfully rhyming poetry...I prefer some irregularity i guess you could say syncopation and though at times rhyming simple words can be effective, i far prefer the rhythm and flow of at least some assonance- you know Educating Rita style 'gettin the rhyme wrong'-ie rhyming 'swan' with 'stone' etc etc
I do like the simplicity of'Drop drop'and
'What else can I do
Drinking in the silence
Holding my memories of you'
very much
but personally i would have had something like
drop by drop,
im more alone,
for shameless pleas,
the time has gone
i cant atone
i cant atone
for the third stanza and for the fourth
Drop by drop
My fingers trace
The tears
adjacent to this place;
The court familiar
The contours of my face
to break up the predictable rhyming pattern that i have a bias against but still keep in the sentiment, the more i think about it the more i like it, and im gearing it towards my interpretations of course....but in my opinion the content is there....of course there are dangers in changing heart words in exchange for over analysiing something that was and is quite a moving raw piece
my opinion only....please feel free to critique mine as you feel....as i have said many times,. i feel people are far too nice, and should say what it makes them feel, and what they dont/do like about my stuff...by the way i feel the word court fits you well, its like you have yourself on trial, over and over, and you cant find a reason to acquit....and continue punishing yourself, admitting a fault when it may not have been all yours, openly taking all the responsibility, because your own guilt feels you need to be punished...good golly this sounds like artsy fartsy crap doesnt it....should leave it how it is and make it into a country song, would have the right feel, and its emotive...
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A very heartfelt piece, and one I can relate to quite well myself. Thank you for sharring this piece of your soul with the world. ~Bret~
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A Great Piece
It captures the pain of loss and dejection so well...drop by drop being repeated at the beginning worked for me. It made me think of tears being spilled with each line penned to the paper...great piece. Thank you for sharing.
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